


Mellorine! Mellorine!

by nocturneequuis



Category: One Piece
Genre: Gen, Gender Issues, Genderbending, Genderswap, a whole lot of gender, post Skypiea
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-04
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2017-11-15 15:06:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 73,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/528580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nocturneequuis/pseuds/nocturneequuis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Luffy, Usopp and Zoro eat berries from an mysterious bush, they are transformed into girls. Sanji can barely contain his joy. But when tension rises as days pass and no change is in sight, Sanji is going to find out that being a girl is a lot harder than it seems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Morning Swells

       It had been a long day. Sanji washed the last dish, put it away in the cupboard and dried his hands, then stubbed out his cigarette and tossed the ashes in the bin. Stocking up days usually were long, and Nami had been more liberal than usual with the budget, her eyes gleaming with that particular lovely ferocity as she talked of the Skypiean gold they were going to cash in once they reached a decent bank. She had had such a healthy glow about her when she spoke of the Beri they would make! Even better, he had gotten some much needed supplies, including some special ingredients he could use whip up something that would really impress the ladies. Ah, what a wonder to have two beautiful woman to cook for! Sighing to himself happily, Sanji made sure the lock was secure and left the galley, shutting the door behind him. The night was star washed with a warm rain scented wind from the Summer island in Spring. Locals had promised at least two more summer islands along the way which meant bikini tops and minis as far as the eyes could see.

     A click of heels on wood made him turn. Speaking of ladies, there she was, the lovely and statuesque Robin-chan, her long black hair, her piercing mysterious eyes, her enjoyable cleavage, sadly hidden by a dark shirt now.

      “Good evening, Cook-san,” she said in her melodic kiss-the-stars voice.

      “Good evening, Robin-chan! Are you sure you don’t want me to take over watch for you?” he said. It was a customary question. Sometimes she gave him the honor and sometimes she didn’t but he always enjoyed asking.

     “Not tonight. ”

     “Then we’ll be in your capbable hands.”

     “Indeed,” she said, her lip twitching into a faint curled smile. Ahh, what a cutie-chan. He watched her climb up the mast, just to make sure she arrived safely, and enjoying the silhouette of her curves against the stars. A perfect ending to a perfect night. Whistling an aimless tune under his breath, he opened the hatch and had to jerk out of the way as a balled up foul smelling sock rocketed out of it and nearly hit him in the face.

     “You bastards watch where you’re throwing things!” Sanji snapped, but of course they didn’t listen.

     “My sock!” Usopp said as Sanji climbed down. He jabbed a finger skyward. “Luffy, go get it! You threw it!” 

     “No way! You threw yours first!”

     “Sanji since you’re on the ladder—” Usopp started.

     “Get it yourself,” Sanji said, hopping off. “I’m not picking up your smelly sock, Longnose.” He flicked said nose as he went by and Usopp pouted at him before turning and scrambling up the ladder.

     “Hey, Sanji, look what I can do!” Chopper said as Sanji sat on his hammock. Sanji looked as Chopper pulled himself onto his head and stood on his antlers, hooves waving a bit for balance before he grinned.

     “Tadaa.”

     “Nice,” Sanji said with a grin, giving him a thumbs up before toeing off his shoes. He put them carefully by his trunk and then unknotted his tie, pulling it over his head. Man, that felt good. He rolled his head from side to side, scrunched up his toes against the wood and listened to the clap of Luffy’s bare feet as he told Chopper how cool he was and to do it again in a big size.

     “Ha! The Great Captain Usopp strikes back!” Usopp said from the hatch as Sanji began to unbutton his shirt.

     “Aaah!” Chopper squealed.

     “Can’t catch meffh,” Luffy said and then: “Aah! Your sock tastes gross!”

     “Perfect shot, as always,” Usopp said and Sanji winced, trying not to imagine the state of that sock. It was so rowdy in here. So smelly. What he wouldn’t give to be in the lovely sweet softness of the ladies' room. Hear their gentle breathing. The refined nature as they prepared for bed in skimpy little negligees. He breathed a happy little sigh.

     “Think perverted thoughts elsewhere,” Zoro said, since he knew. How did he always know? Sanji was subtle! He turned to look at the swordsman, tempted to ball his shirt up and throw it at him only it was too good a quality for that. Zoro was lying on his hammock, book propped up on his stomach, the cover of which matched the green of his hair. Sanji chewed around a comment about that but Zoro ruined it by looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

      “Thinking too hard?”

      “You’re not worth thinking about,” Sanji said, deciding no comeback was best after a line like that. He shrugged off his shirt and put it away to replace it with one he’d gotten in Skypiea, dark blue and soft as a cloud itself.

     “Hey, Sanji,” Luffy said, as Sanji unclipped his watch and set it on the trunk. “I want some more purple berries.”

     “Purple berries?” Sanji asked as he peeled off his pants. “Blueberries?” And then because this was Luffy. “Grapes?”

     “No, nothing like that,” Usopp said. “They were more lavender and they looked kind of spikey.”

     “Hmm.” Sanji pulled on his grey sweatpants, ahh freedom, and sat on his hammock again. “I haven’t heard of anything like that. Were they in the market?”

     “No, we found them on a bush near the waterfall when we went looking for Zoro,” Luffy said, swinging back and forth on his hammock and looking at Sanji upside down. What the hell had Zoro been doing by the waterfall? He’d been going to the tavern last, Sanji had heard, and the waterfall was two miles in the opposite direction.

     “He got lost,” Usopp said with a grin. Obviously. But Sanji couldn’t help but grin, too.

     “The town had too many narrow streets,” Zoro said, glowering at them over the book, as if that made any logical sense. “Anyway the tavern was too small, anyone could have missed it.”

     “Especially if they didn’t bother to look at the fifteen signs ponting the right way.” Usopp shook his head, spreading his hands wide, palms up. “I dunno, Zoro, you’re pretty hopeless.”

     “Zoro couldn’t find his ass with both hands,” Sanji said, kicking up his feet and crossing his ankles, enjoying the gentle roll of the ship. “Let alone a tavern.” Usopp snickered and Chopper giggled behind his hooves. Zoro flopped the book down onto his chest and gave Sanji a look which Sanji closed his eyes and ignored.

     “Listen Curly-Brow—”

     “But about those berries,” Luffy said.

     “Oi, Luffy—” Zoro started.

     “They were good. I want more of them.”

     “You ate them?” Sanji asked, opening his eyes again to look at his captain. That idiot.

     “Well Luffy at most of them,” Usopp said. “But I valiantly saved a handful for myself and one for Zoro.”

     “Stingy,” Zoro said.

     “You were sleeping and I was hungry,” Usopp said. Sanji sat up but Chopper spoke for him, a fierce frown on his little face.

     “You shouldn’t just eat any berries you find,” the reindeer said. Usopp put his hands on his hips where his starry pajama bottoms threatened to slip off unless he tightened the string.

     “We were men, surviving in the woods, using only our instincts, wits and what little food we had.”

     Of course, Usopp hadn’t mentioned how he and Luffy had stuffed themselves at lunch and had gotten pirate bentos on top of that.

     “Yeah, but they could have been poisoned," Chopper said.

     “Po…poisoned?” Usopp squeaked, gripping his throat as if he was going to try and squeeze them out.

     “They weren’t. We’re still alive,” Luffy said with a nod.

     “What if it is a slow acting poison?” Usopp said. “What if we wake up dead? Or worse. Am I growing spots? Is that a mole? Why did I eat so many?!”

     “Calm down,” Zoro said. “We’re fine.”

     “For now,” Sanji said. “But don’t go eating any stupid shit you find. That’s just asking for trouble.”

     “But they were so goood!” Luffy said, gripping his ankles and making the hammock rock back and forth. “I want more.”

     “I’ll look for them in the next market,” Sanji said. He’d never seen such berries before, but this particular cluster of islands were close together and chances were what grew on one island would grow on the other. “But promise me you won’t go berry picking again unless you know what it is you’re eating.”

     “Okay, okay,” Luffy said.

     “They were good,” Zoro said, clapping the book shut and yawning hugely. He had too many damn teeth, Sanji decided. Another reason not to like them. “I’d like more myself.”

     “Eat shit, Marimo.” Even if he would look for the things he was not about to take orders from that dumbass. Zoro smirked.

     “I usually do.”

     Sanji narrowed his eyes. “Why you—”

     “Kidding, kidding,” Zoro said, flapping a lazy hand. “It’s better than anything I could cook. Barely.”

     Yeah, yeah. Sanji debated whether or not it was worth it to get up out of hammock and kick him in the face. Nah. Not really. Too damn tired. Sanji laid back again. Mm.

      “If you don’t like my cooking don’t eat so damn much of it,” Sanji drawled. “You’re almost as bad as Luffy.” Though he didn’t want to meet anyone as bad as Luffy, or worse. They couldn’t afford it for one thing. Luffy gave him a wide grin as if this was the greatest compliment in the world.

     “Zoro once cracked a raw egg on his head because he thought it was boiled,” Luffy said. Sanji grinned, Usopp and Chopper laughed and started chanting egghead! Egghead! While Zoro growled an oi! In Luffy’s direction who just laughed until he was punted out of the hammock by the swordsman’s shitty kick. Sanji watched through half closed eyes as Luffy bounced off the deck and then charged up again, to grab Zoro’s mouth, trying to stretch it.

     “Egg face, egg face,” Luffy chanted.

     “No, it’s egg head,” Usopp said. “Egg face doesn’t make any sense.”

     “What about sock face?” Zoro said and shoved Usopp’s rolled up sock back into Luffy’s mouth. Luffy mmfed and flailed and fell back and Sanji laughed. Dumbasses. He watched them wrestle for a bit longer. Luffy catapulting onto Zoro’s back and biting his head, sending drool down his face while Zoro snarled and tried to tug him off. Chopper and Usopp breathless with laughter and him too tired but to breathe a laugh now and again, though he couldn’t help but chuckle as Zoro grabbed Luffy’s hair and tried to pull him off only to have is face stretch and narrow. Finally Zoro yanked him off and wiped his face on Luffy’s vest who yelled and said he was gross while Zoro snapped it was Luffy’s drool and Luffy began to chant gross head, gross head until Nami pounded on the wall with her small sharp fist of love and yelled at them all to shut the hell up. Ahh, he was already quiet as he was sure his delicate flower had noticed.

     Zoro tossed Luffy into his hammock and then got into his own, blowing out the lantern nearby and the room was cast into darkness. Luffy’s snores were almost immediate and Usopp and Chopper subsided into wheezing chuckles until they began breathing quietly too, not yet asleep, but resting.

     Sanji turned on his side and tried to listen to the noises from the girl’s room, trying to decide what Nami was doing. The scrape of wood. Ahh, chair leg or dresser drawer? A quiet rustle. A soft sigh. What could that be? What could it mean? Was she thinking of him only a crawlspace away? Perhaps he should go over and…and just…. He grinned widely… She would call his name. Say _Sanji-kun_ in sweet tones and then…and then…

     Zoro’s snores drowned out any sweet whispers just as they always did and Sanji sighed. One day… But …perhaps that was best for now. He had another early morning. He stretched and flipped onto his back, beginning his custom ritual of saying goodnight to his mellorines, picturing them in exquisite detail one by one.

     Good night, Nami-swan!, with her orange hair and vivacious personality! With her stunning waist and ample chest and long legs! With her firey eyes, sharp fist and sweet laughing mouth! Whose charms were only a desperate, longing whisper away!

     Good night, Robin-chan!, oh mysterious beauty of the deep! Dark and dangerous with eyes that could drown a man happily for days! Delicate hands like angel wings! And so many of them! Clasped happily upon her even ampler chest, which strained at the ties, wanting to break free!

     Good night, Vivi-chan! The desert princess! All blue hair and charming smiles! He would never forget the sight of her slender stomach! The swell of her hips! Her beautiful, gracious manner, her laugh, even the way she bit her lip when she was worried.

     He sighed with a smile, and tucked his hands behind his head. If only all his crew could be such beauties. Perhaps one day it would be true. If he was fortunate. A ship and crew bursting with lovely ladies… Oh what heaven! Sanji could barely imagine. But he made a damned good attempt to do so as he drifted gently to sleep.

***

     At five-thirty the next morning, Sanji’s eyes popped open to take in the dimness of the men's cabin. He knew it was five-thirty because it was always five-thirty. That shitty old cook had trained the time into him, even kicking him out of bed whenever he’d tried to sleep in. It was a good time because, barring whomever was on watch and perhaps the occasional Zoro out for training, most of his crew were asleep. It allowed him plenty of time to prepare for the day and have breakfast ready the moment the ladies rolled out of bed. That being said, mornings should really happen to other people. Sanji flopped out of the hammock, feeling like a dried fish as he dragged himself over to the hatch, climbing the ladder. There was no sound of rain and when he popped the hatch and let the grey light stream in, a cool breeze followed it, mingled with the deeper scent of open water. Hmm. He rested his cheek against the ladder a moment, eyes closed.

     After a moment, he slid back down and dragged himself over to the sea chest and opened it, trying to decide which shirt to wear today as he pulled on his pants. The light fell and danced on the floor, shining on Luffy’s arm where it hung from the hammock, small but well formed. His leg, too, with the cute little pointed foot and curled in toes as if he was having a good dream. He seemed to be having one, there was a faint smile on his round face and his breasts, only a little more than a handful, rose and fell with the gentle swell of his breathing.

      Sanji covered a yawn with the back of his hand and chose the butter colored striped shirt. He was in a yellow mood today. He took off the cloud-soft shirt, folding it carefully and putting it to the side and then pulled the yellow shirt on, shifting and smoothing it until it looked just right hanging off him and then buttoning it up. Too add a touch of class, he put on a vest, too, tugging it down. It would be too hot to wear a jacket today but the ladies appreciated looking at a well-dressed man.

     Usopp snorted in his sleep and Sanji glanced at him absently as he tucked the hem of his shirt into his pants and then looped the tie around his neck. The sniper was curled on his side, small and fine-boned like a little sparrow, arms pressed against the gentle firmness of his soft brown breasts, pushing them up and together into cute, innocent cleavage. After that was the uninterrupted glide of skin, down the curve of his ribs until the next rising swell of his hips, small but well proportioned, the starry pajama bottoms low and entirely too big and unabashedly adorable.

     Sanji yawned again, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hands and then grabbed his comb and went to the small mirror to make sure every hair was in place. Sleep had made his bangs feather all over the place and Sanji scowled at his reflection. Stupid weird eyebrows. How could any lady ever take him seriously if they saw that? They couldn’t, was the answer. Not to mention what a certain idiot swordsman would say. Not that Sanji cared about his opinion, but he didn’t want to hear his lip. He glared at what he could see of Zoro’s reflection in the mirror, trying to mentally tell the dumbass that he didn’t care. Zoro’s stupid mouth was closed for once, arms tucked behind his head. His breasts, marshmallow clouds of softness, pulled his stupid shirt taut and left his surprisingly toned belly exposed before dipping into the cradle of his wide hips. The bastard. He jabbed a comb at the reflection, then flipped the plastic in his fingers and swept it a few more times through his hair.

     Once finished, he shoved it into his pocket for emergencies and climbed the hatch into the brilliant morning. He glanced habitually up at the crow’s nest, and seeing no telltale poke of antlers over the edge, imagined Chopper had fallen asleep in the early hours. He made a mental reminder to wake the reindeer before breakfast and stretched luxuriously out in the open air before pulling a cigarette from his pocket and lighting it, enjoying a morning smoke. That done he strode into the galley,  rolling up his sleeves before unlocking and opening the fridge. A quick but thorough glance told him nothing had been disturbed in the night and helped him decide on making veggie omelets to start out with, and bacon and sausage of course. He got an onion from the crisper and began dicing it. The steady _thock thock thock_ filling the room with its comforting rhythm. Biscuits too, he could make. And Usopp had been talking about some fluffy pancakes he used to eat all the time when he was little, 7,000 of them in one sitting! Sanji shook his head. In any case, they would be fun to make and would help—

     Usopp— _thock thock_

     Keep his girlish figure— _thock_

     Intact— _th_

     Sanji stared at the wall. There had been…breasts and hips, a veritable rolling valley of mellorine. All soft and sweet and tucked fast in sleep. He was faintly aware of the onion juice stinging his fingers and was faintly sure his heart had stopped beating. Some force deep within him made him turn from the counter and walk, stiff legged, down into the men's room. Usopp yawned, pushing himself up, curly cloudy hair falling against his sharp delicate collar bone, breasts like perfect dumplings swaying with the movement, even the nipples brown and soft. Sanji realized he was still gripping the onion. Ha….imagine that… Usopp sat up and looked at him, looked down, grabbed his breasts in two tiny hands and screamed.

     “KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” the sound, high and sweet as a song bird call, scattered up Sanji’s spine and made him lurch forward only to stop for while his legs itched for action, his body wasn’t sure what to do. Zoro made a husky startled stepped-on-a-duck noise and fell out of the hammock. Sanji’s leg twitched and something like a wimper curled in his throat. Zoro was alright though, what a relief, as he immediately stood, the soft marshmallow clouds of love bouncing slightly.

     “Usopp, what's—” Zoro’s dusky alto voice cut off as he looked down at himself too, larger but still very feminine hands gripped those soft mounds and Sanji’s nose flared, resiting the urge to go help if he needed to hold those marvelous soft beauties in place.

     “What the hell?” Zoro said in a adorable fury. “WHAT THE HELL?!”

    And then Luffy sat up, hair an adorable mess around his face, shorts too long for him as he swung his legs and rubbed his eye with one tiny fist.

     “What’s going on?” he said with a huge, cute, healthy yawn. Then he looked at Sanji and a grin spread across his rounded face, large brown eyes, framed by cute spikey lashes, danced as Luffy leaned forward and said. “Oh. Is it breakfast time?”

     “Any time is breakfast time for youuuu,” Sanji sang, wiggling his hips while inside…inside he was faintly sure he was screaming. 


	2. A Ship Full of Mellorines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens. And thickens. He should really stop stirring any time now.

Sanji was stirring. What exactly he was stirring he wasn’t entirely sure, but he trusted his own instincts well enough to know that whatever it was would be not only edible, but good. Filling. Perhaps not up to Zeff’s standards, but in this case he just couldn’t seem to focus. Part of the problem was at the head of the table. One Captain-chan, formerly known as Luffy. No, except she—he still was Luffy. Sanji fixed this solidly in his head. That was Luffy. And, appearance wise, hadn’t changed much, especially with his vest buttoned. All that had happened was that he’d gotten a bit shorter, that was all, shorter and rounder, especially in the face with soft cheeks, now filled with food like a little chipmunk, and a smaller mouth that nonethless managed to accommodate an entire plate of bacon, and almost the dish as well before Nami-swan had the presence of mind to yank it out.

Which was good. Because Luffy was being an absolute cad and sucking up everything from the table, with food crumbs on her cheeks, and her small fingers flying as she gripped a sausage in one proud fist and a tankard of juice in the other. So sparkling, so energetic! That soft hair that teased her forehead and the line of her ears, those eyes! So big and brown and fringed with spiky black lashes, the button nose, and pointed chin, slender neck and tiny shoulders! The rest of her form unfairly hidden by the oversized vest but he could see the perky curve of her bottom against the chair and the way her legs spread under the table, toes curling against the floor.

“Leave some for the rest of us, Luffy!” Nami snapped in the dulcet tones of really annoyed and his first impulse was to reinforce her iron-clad ruling by kicking the idiot captain over the head and were his eyes not quite so big and his shoulders not quite so small…

“Buff fo one felf if eafing,” Luffy said, gesturing with the sausage, which flopped a bit in her small hand. Ah, he wanted to spear that sausage on a dessert fork and feed it to her, watching her munch in healthy sized bites. But no he didn’t because that was Luffy and Nami’s words struck an uneasy cord in him. No one else was eating.

“That’s not the point,” Nami said. “I don’t see how you even can keep eating in this situation.” So logical she was, so conscientious, so long-suffering in the face of a Luffy shaped adversity! And how cutely dressed in a little tank top in deference to the weather, which scooped just low enough so those thirsty for a drink of beauty could have their fill in that swath of healthy skin. Nami gave him a look, her cinnamon eyes snapping both harsh and sweet through his veins. What was he doing? Was he letting her down in some way? Was she angry with him? Ah, he couldn’t even come down to feel properly ashamed! He was so unworthy.

“Sanji-kun, can’t you do something?”

“More bacon right away!” he said, sang, setting the bowl down and swirling to the fridge. Once his back was to the table, he felt a strange sense of relief twitching down his spine.

“That’s not what I—” Nami started and then. “Oh, never mind. I guess we could use some more.”

Of course they could and Nami could have it all! …Most of it! Though as Sanji opened the door of the fridge he knew what she meant. That had been a lot of bacon and usually he made sure that Luffy didn’t eat it all but how could he stop her? One look from that sweet face and he just melted like sugar-candy in the sun! Still, he took out a little less bacon than he’d originally set out and threw it in the frying pan.

“It doesn’t really matter,” Usopp-chan… Usopp said in her—his light voice, dainty as a breeze, lofty as a bird on the wing and so delicate. “I don’t think I could eat anything anyway.”

Sanji tried not to look at her—him. But he could see the table out of the corner of his eye now and his eye was drawn to Usopp and how could it not be? Such a dramatic change! Shorter then Nami by almost a head, Usopp was cute…astonishingly cute…criminally cute…chain yourself to her legs and throw away the keys cute. Such a delicate bone structure! Such a round face! Thick black eyelashes! Hair which could barely be contained by the cute too big bandanna and sprung up in energetic little curls on her forehead.

Where Luffy’s arms were small and yet held the svelte hint of muscle, Usopp’s arms were just slender and fragile looking, as if she was made to fly. Her shoulders were delicate too, and continually revealed by the too large shirt sliding down on one side, which she tugged back up with anxious cute fingers. Though the shirt, large as it was, could not completely hide the push of her chest. Sanji realized he was stirring again, stirring and staring and he shouldn’t doing either while the bacon was sizziling so he smiled and turned it over. Too much bacon. Just too much.

“How did you ever get in this situation?” Robin asked, sounding faintly amused. She had eaten, at least, beautiful hands popping from the table and slapping Luffy-chan’s tinier hands away when he got too close. She was now drinking coffee and would want a refill soon. She was all in purple today, as it suited her, and not quite as in deference to the weather as Nami, though the top she did have on was form fitting and hid nothing of her charms.

“I don’t know,” Usopp-chan said, burying a small hand in her hair which seemed to spring up even more. “I—we just woke up like…” and she gestured to herself and a light shudder rippled through her slender frame. Was she cold? Sanji would wrap her up like an avocado roll in the arms of his love! He picked up the bowl and continued to stir.

“That is mysterious,” Robin said with a smile, resting her lovely chin on her hand, strands of midnight hair falling over her shoulder.

“You sound as bad as Luffy,” Nami said, folding her arms and leaning back a bit. “Did you three do anything weird on the island?” Nami asked, cutely inquisitive.

“No…no I don’t think so,” Usopp-chan said, tugging up the shirt again. It read ‘Puru, Puru,’ across the front, Sanji realized, and his nose flared. His heart flared, too. It could barely contain itself, but drummed delirious jigs against his ribs. “We just explored, mainly. There was nothing interesting in town and..” She shrugged which sent the collar of the shirt on the happy path back down. The bacon was going to burn. Sanji set the bowl down and flipped the bacon again, willing into it as much love as he could. There was so much more needed now after all.

“Y..you all seem healthy,” Chopper said. “Just…different.” He had eaten, too. Robin-chwan had made sure of that, but had nearly finished his juice and the jug on the table was probably empty by now.

“Chopper, can’t you do something?” Usopp-chan said. “I can’t stay like this. I just can’t.”

Yes she could! Sanji thought. But no, no she couldn’t. No this was— but she was so cute. Though at least perhaps Luffy— though she was so cute, too, bright and sunny like a dandelion or a daisy, burst into full life! But one who could change was definitely…definitely… Sanji’s hands itched to stir but the bacon was going to get more ready than he wanted it and he piled it on to a plate and turned the stove off.

“I…I don’t know what to do,” Chopper said. “I’ve never seen anything like this before… Well…well in some slug species I heard of it happening but…definitely not humans, I thought…”

“No definitely not,” Usopp-chan said, cutting her hand through the air and sending something suspiciously like a giggle into Sanji’s throat, though fortunately he caught it before it could escape. “There is definitely nothing normal about this.”

He turned again, back to the fridge, bacon plate in one hand and grabbed a freshly chilled juice jug. Chopper was talking again, about how he’d look in all the books he had and Sanji was glad he was talking. Chopper could talk as much as he liked. Sanji turned back to the table. Set the jug down in front of Chopper who would hopefully be looking through all his books with a fine-toothed comb. Then he set the bacon plate down, as far as he could get from the cutie Captain-chan. Though of course it didn’t matter as her small, strong, greedy little hand sped across the space and Sanji smiled in a distant sort of way as he was beginning to get the feeling he’d have to make more bacon.

A second before her hand grabbed the plate, however, another hand slammed on top of her wrist and Sanji’s smile froze into a knot. It was a big hand, but feminine, long callused fingers wrapped around Luffy’s thinner wrist. The arm attached to it was definitely strong, muscles more prominent but streamlined at the same time, like a stalking panther. Following the arm lead to a similarly strong shoulder, a little broad but well made and then…and then…there they were, tucked under white, strained under white, like two loaves of bread straight from the oven, large and pliable and warm but still…

“Back off, Luffy,” she said in her alto with just a hint of a growl. Danger waiting. Watching from the darkness for any sign of weakness. “You’ve had enough and the pervert cook doesn’t have the sense in his head to stop you.”

But still Zoro. Not Zoro-chan. But Zoro. Meatheaded and irritating and Sanji forced his eyes up into Zoro’s face, thinner, and too angled to be considered traditionally pretty, but handsome, strikingly handsome and the expression so openly and forwardly angry with dark eyes, a grimacing mouth, three earrings dangling from a perfect ear. A Zoro ear. Because this was Zoro. Zoro. With his his green hair, so striking against the tanned skin. But it was green. Annoying green. Marimo green. Summer lawn green, with a picnic lovingly prepared under a spreading tree, a soft blanket, a woman long and toned stretched out on it, breasts softly sloping toward the ground, the swell of a well set hip curving down to well-made legs that went on forever, one surprisingly graceful hand tucked under the head and the other eating watermelon with an almost too-wide but nevertheless unabashed mouth—

“What the hell,” said that mouth in that tone that raised the hairs on the back of Sanji’s neck. “Are you staring at.”

“A summer day,” Sanji said, the words out of his mouth before he even knew they were in them. Quiet around the table. Sanji turned and took up the bowl. He didn’t know what he was making. Maybe a cake. Yes. A cake. A big cake since he had lots of mellorines to enjoy it. Maybe two cakes, one for Captain-chan who would certainly enjoy it more than anyone else. Yes. Two nice cakes. Very big. Very pretty. Lots of love baked into each one. And this required a lot of stirring.

“We really need to do something,” Nami’s voice broke through the silence. It was so lovely. So familiar. A pitch that he’d long gotten used to. Sanji set the bowl down and lit a cigarette. A small break. Just a little one while the ladies didn’t need him. Soo many ladies.

“The sooner the better,” Usopp-chan muttered.

“Do something?” Captain-chan said, voice clear now that she had swallowed, light and warm and rough and tumble like an otter in the sea. “About what?”

Another silence. Sanji rolled his eyes heavenward and blew out a stream of smoke to dance and curl on the ceiling.

“We’re girls, Luffy,” Usopp-chan said in a cutely deadpan tone.

“Eh?”

“Me and you and Zoro.”

“Eehhh?!” The rising tone was enchanting and Sanji’s hips twitched as a little heart blew up to the ceiling and he put a hand on the counter, managing to keep it locked down. “Where did it go? Where did it go?!”

“Stop reaching around in there!” Nami snapped at the same time Usopp-chan yelled:

“How did you not notice till now?!”

Sanji chose to focus on Usopp-chan’s words, since they were perfectly valid, and Captain-chan, while he wouldn’t call her stupid, tended to cast her thoughts on different things in a quite adorable fashion.

“I think the real question is, how did it happen?” Robin-chwan, the voice of reason and calm, said.

“Someone stole it!” Captain-chan said, with such pouty conviction that Sanji’s heart cracked in two. How could she be so cute? How? “We’ll go find them and kick their ass!”

“That’s impossible,” Usopp-chan said. “And even if it was possible, Sanji and Chopper are still male. …Uh…right, Chopper?”

“Of course I am, you bastard! What kind of question is that?!”

“Kyaa! Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me! I feel like I’m made of glass right now!” Usopp-chan squeaked. Who was going to hit his Usopp-chan? Sanji whirled around, ready to kick Chopper and his big gorilla form right through the wall when Captain-chan said:

“Maybe Sanji and Chopper stole it.”

His heart cracked into more pieces. As if he could ever steal something from someone with such pretty brown eyes! Such a pouty face! Captain-chan held out a hand.

“Give it ba—”and was stopped when Nami’s fist of love popped her in the back of the head and sent her face slapping into the table. Ah, Nami-swan, so strong! So angry!

“Now if we’re all done being stupid,” Nami said, then turned to Usopp-chan who still had both hands to her head, her collar slid down again, shoulder unregarded and sweetly vulnerable. “If it’s only you and Zoro and Luffy that are…you know…it has to be something you three did that no one else did.” Usopp-chan crossed her arms over her chest and bowed her head, frowning in thought. Captain-chan raised her head and seemed to be thinking, too, frowning expressively and rooting around in her nose with a delicate pinky. So unashamed! So free! But as they thought, something tickled in the back of Sanji’s mind, clouded though it was with beauty. What was it?

“Berries,” he said, and wished he hadn’t because Usopp-chan looked up at him with wide eyes and growing alarm before making a too cute distressed noise and clutching her head.

“The berries! Oh no! Those stupid berries! I knew this would happen!” she wailed. “I’ll never eat berries again!” So distressed! So sad! Sanji slapped his hands on the table and bowed his head.

“I’m sorry, Usopp-chwan! I’ll never prepare berries again! Just don’t cry!”

“I’m not crying!” she said, her voice going even squeakier. His heart! His heart! “And don’t call me Usopp-chwan!”

“I’m sorry, Usopp-chwan! I’m so unreliable!” He said it again! The words that stung his Usopp-chwan’s heart! He grabbed his tie between his teeth and tugged on it. Ahh. He was no gentleman! How could he upset something so small and fragile!

“Sanji-kun, go stir something,” Nami said, sounding more tired than mad and Sanji went to obey. Grateful to obey. He turned to face the wall and stir stir stir. Trying not to cry in the food.

“What berries?” Captain-chan said.

“The ones we ate yesterday,” Usopp-chan said.

“Oh, yeah. Those were good.”

“They’re what turned us into this!” Usopp-chan said, all distressed again.

“Whaaat? Stupid berries!”

“Well we don’t know that for sure,” Chopper said. “I mean it’s the most likely explanation right now but, well, I’ve never heard of any kind of food that could do something like this. Outside of Devil Fruit. Have you, Sanji?”

What? Chopper was asking him something? About food? That did things? What things? He wasn’t sure. He was stirring right now. Stirring was about all he could do right now. But he couldn’t let his mellorines down. He had to provide an answer of some sort.

“Well for now let’s just go with it,” Nami said, taking from him the need to think up a coherent response. His angel! His shining star! “So what do we do?” More silence. Sanji stirred. Though he could barely stir any more. Whatever he was making was taking on the consistency of a brick. Maybe he could use it to prop up the table. Another giggle rose in his throat and he swallowed it down.

“W…we could…Can we go back?” Usopp-chan said. “Someone on the island might know about those berries. How to fix…this...”

“It’s possible, I guess,” Nami said. “This archipelago is connected with a really strong current. I mean, it would take us—about two weeks, more or less, and we could get back… Probably.” Two weeks! Oh, two blessed weeks! And Nami-swan! So intelligent! So resourceful!

“No,” Luffy said and Sanji twitched. Even though her voice was…his voice was…different. It was still…somewhat… annoying like he really didn’t understand the situation.

“Luffy…” Nami said. “Do you want to stay a girl?”

“No, I don’t. But we’re not going back. We’ve already been there. It’s boring.”

“What kind of stupid reason is that?!” Usopp-chan snapped, echoing Sanji’s sentiments completely.

“We can always go forward as well,” Robin said. A balm. A cool breeze. “The local legends say that this archipelago used to be one island, torn apart by a great earthquake. It’s likely that they have similar flora. And even if not, these islands constantly trade with one another. If this situation has happened before, it’s possible that someone on another island will know how to cure it.”

Waah! So intelligent! Saving them all with such simply placed words at the perfect time! He stirred and smiled and thought perhaps he should stop stirring before the bottom half of the spoon snapped off.

“Yeah,” Luffy said. “Let’s do what Robin said.”

“Do you even know what Robin said?” Nami said.

“Of course I did. We’re going to another island!” Luffy said and Sanji couldn’t help but grin a little. What an idiot captain.

“So, in short, you have no idea,” Nami said blandly. Then sighed. “I guess that’s as good idea as any.”

“Let’s go!” Usopp-chan said, and there was the faint scrape of wood as she rose. "Let’s go now!” So eager… So cute… She needed to stop being cute. She just had to.

“Okay!” Luffy said, and Sanji listened to them leave. Usopp and Luffy first on quick, light, cute feet. The tap tap of Chopper’s hooves as the reindeer muttered to himself under his breath. Then after a moment there was the click of Robin’s boots, followed by a quiet sigh and a heavy tread of bare feet which he didn’t even recognize until he realized with a faint sort of twist that it was Zoro. Nami was still there, though. He could almost feel her watching him. He looked at the inedible goop that resided in the bowl and wondered what the hell he could even make from it. Well, he’d think about that later. Nami was patiently waiting for his attention. Setting the bowl aside, he turned to her and gave her his full attention, not able to pull as big a smile as normal. She looked at him a long moment, as if she wanted to say something but didn’t know what. Finally she stood with a small smile of her own.

“That was a great breakfast, Sanji-kun. Thanks.”

“Of course,” he said with a slight bow “Anything for you.” Her smile widened and she nodded and left, closing the galley door behind her…and he was alone. He went to lean against the wall between the fridge and the stove, and loosened his tie, looking at the mostly finished meal. He lit a cigarette and indulged in sucking it down, funneling the smoke through his nose as he slid down the wall to sit, legs propped up on the floor, one hand resting over his knee. What…what was this morning. Just…what was it? Was it a dream? A nightmare? Heaven? Hell? He couldn’t be sure. It seemed all of that at once.

What he did know, however, was that Nami, Usopp-chan and that big green idiot hadn’t eaten anything. Not that he could blame them. So he would prepare something to give them an hour or so before lunch, just to take the edge off their appetite. Of course he’d have to adjust what he normally fed…the other two, at least for now…since they were…different… and Usopp-chan adorably different at that. Such a fine bone structure. And as for the other, well, he didn’t bear thinking about. At least not yet.

And maybe since he’d only eaten one berry, if the berries were indeed the cause, then he’d be back to normal sooner than the others. Then again, knowing their metabolisms, Luffy could return to his boy shape in an hour or two, Zoro after that, then, and thank God for that…and Usopp might linger a bit, but tonight at least if not tomorrow morning. So he might as well enjoy his Captain-chan while he could and get to enjoy Usopp-chan for a little longer than that. He flared his nose and giggled into his hand, then looked around to make sure no one had heard, relaxing when the coast was clear. And as long as…as…Mr. Getting lost and ruining the whole cutie-chan paradise by…by…being his usual lunkheaded self stayed out of Sanji’s direct line of sight, he would be just fine. In fact, more than fine! It would be heaven!

Sanji got to his feet, and grinned around his cigarette, rolling up his sleeves to clear off the table and salvage the leftovers. Soon he would be called out to help set sail, so he had to move fast. The bacon, cold now, could be crumbled up for a nice cobb salad and everything else could be mixed and tossed in here and there, so perfectly good. The only thing regrettable was the glue in the bowl since even Sanji was stumped at what to do with that—but maybe he could make some hard tack—really hard tack— if things got desperate enough, so, salvageable. He worked quickly and had just about finished putting things away when from outside he heard the dulcet sunny tone of Captain-chan shouting:

“Let’s go!”

With a grin, Sanji set the plates in the sink, tightened his tie, rolled down his sleeves, and buttoned them and set out to do whatever his cutie-chans and mellorines desired.

***

It had been a long day. Sanji rested his head on the galley’s table and contemplated braining himself against it. Nothing had gone according to plan. Nothing. Setting sail had gone well enough, as it was something they all knew how to do as easy as breathing for the most part. Except that…that of course, Zoro had been the one to untie the halyard from the other side of the mast and sh…he’d…he’d nearly fallen off, the idiot but while sh—while he— he was on the beam, his…his… so big and soft…had just pressed against it in just…just the right way so that Sanji had nearly fallen off himself. And he’d been so dazed by that, that he’d made fiddly little mellorine drinks for everyone, floating around the deck to give them out and while Captain-chan and Usopp-chan had accepted it with a bright grin, and muttered thanks and a worried frown respectively, that…that…meatheaded bastard had just given him a dark eyed glare, shirt already damp and…clinging with sweat from the heat of the day and …and then…then…Zoro…had stomped away and Sanji realized that…after he’d been able to tear his gaze away from the gentle bouncing that…the swordsman’s…back end had also…improved. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t! Some great god must hate him or something. That had to be it.

And it would have been bad enough if it had just ended there but of course it hadn’t. Lunch had been only slightly less …crazy than breakfast with poor sweet Usopp-chan stress eating and Zoro not showing up at all. Making him worried and of all the people on the ship, that asshole should be the least of his worries. But he had been, but for the sake of his own sanity had sent Chopper off to give him a meal. Then, after lunch, Usopp-chan had decided to walk around in a heavy blanket despite the sweltering heat, covering up everything but her cutie little nose, which had been mildly disappointing and then downright frightening when she’d nearly given herself heat exhaustion.

This made Chopper upset with her and Sanji had got upset with Chopper for being upset with her even though he’d known Chopper had been in the right, and then Nami had gotten upset with Sanji for getting upset with Chopper for getting upset with her… And well, by dinner it didn’t seem like anyone was in a speaking mood except for Luffy and Robin and Zoro had decided not to show up again and Sanji wanted to punch him in the face only he had breasts and a really nice ass now and Sanji just didn’t know what to do. He turned his head to the side to take a drag from the cigarette then let the smoke blow down to the floor. It really wasn’t any fair at all.

And of course the worst part of it all was, they hadn’t changed back. Not so much of a hint of changing back. And it didn’t help that Luffy would look down his…her…vest at any old time as if to check and see if his…if…if…if he was still endowed and would occasionally poke them and he’d heard Nami tell the cute but mind-breaking Captain-chan to stop playing with them like that. Sanji lightly bonked his head into the table. He couldn’t even— There were too many thoughts. Just too many. Too much going on today. But…but maybe tomorrow. Yes. Yes maybe tomorrow things would be all right. Zoro would be back to normal, Captain-chan would be back to normal because Luffy was just not responsible enough with breasts…and maybe if he was lucky, Usopp-chan would stick around. At least until the afternoon.

Yes. That would definitely be the case. Sanji finished his cigarette and stubbed it out. Then locked the fridge. Then unlocked it, thinking of Captain-chan…then relocked it because he remembered Captain-chan would be that idiot Luffy in the morning. He walked out from the galley, smiling as he saw Nami approaching the mast, a pencil tucked behind her delicate ear and a book clamped under her arm.

“Shall I take watch for you, Nami-san?” he asked, as he always did and she usually did give him the honor but tonight she said:

“No thanks, Sanji-kun. Sleep well!”

“I’ll have nothing but good dreams!” he said, wiggling a bit. Kind words from perfect lips were like a balm for the soul! He watched her climb the mast, to make sure she reached safety and enjoying her silhouette against the cloud smudged sky. He opened the hatch and was greeted with…quiet. How strange. Idiots must be up to something. It better not be a prank again or he’d kick everyone’s head in no matter how they squealed. He reached the bottom, loosening his tie as he turned around and saw Zoro trying to pull her pants over her wide hips, teeth clenched and face red. Sanji stared, not even sure what to do. Wondering how he could have even forgotten that…

“It’s no big deal,” Luffy said, from where she was stretched out on the hammock, hat pulled low and looking pouty. “Just get bigger pants…”

“It’s not that--” Zoro started and then as if suddenly sensing Sanji there, looked up, earrings jangling. She glared at him and then folded her arms over her chest, and then under it, and then scowled in an alarmingly cute way while her pants started to slip and Sanji had better get out of here while the getting was good because there was no way he could spend the night in here. Not and survive it. He climbed out from the hatch and, not sure where else to go, went back to the galley—nudging the door open with his foot, and sat down at the table, resting his head against the wood, hands shoved in his pockets.

Shit. Shit. Shit. He quietly thumped his head against the table. He’d felt…He’d felt sorry for Zoro. That he’d failed her…him… no her. In his mind. It was a her. A girl— a woman. They were all…except Luffy sometimes…and that…he couldn’t… it was just…and he hadn’t even meant anything by it… He should have just said…or maybe not said…or remembered that half of his shitty crewmates were now women and not to barge in on their bedroom without knocking. Ironically, there was a little knock at the galley door and Sanji almost wanted to cry but he raised his head and saw Chopper in heavy point, carrying a spare hammock and pillow and Sanji’s nightclothes.

“I figured…well…I mean maybe you would feel better sleeping out here?” Chopper said, biting his lip and looking away. “Luffy thinks its weird but…but Usopp said it was a good idea…”

“What did Zoro say?” Sanji said, lighting a cigarette and taking a deep breath.

“Nothing,” Chopper said. “He just went to bed. Or…tried because things are…different and I don’t know if he’s very comfortable.” The reindeer looked down and acted like he was picking lint off of Sanji’s shirt. “But I’ll find a cure somehow. The next town has it right? Or…or maybe it’ll wear off. Or maybe it’ll even be in one of my books, I can go look again. So this isn’t a permanent thing.”

Though even as he spoke, Sanji had a feeling Chopper was looking to him for an answer and damned if he knew. He was never really good at answers. Hopes and dreams,yes. Fantasies definitely. But as for concrete certainty? Outside of cooking and sailing and nakama, he was just as hopeless as everyone else.

“You’ll figure it out,” Sanji said, giving him a smirk. “You’re a doctor after all. Even when idiots yell at you for it.”

“That was nothing,” Chopper said, blushing. “You bastard. I’m not that good. Idiot.” But he grinned. And then frowned a bit. And then smiled. “But yes, I’m sure by tomorrow or soon everything will get better!”

“Definitely,” Sanji said, with a matching grin. “I’ll take care of that.” He gestured to the pile of stuff in Chopper’s hands. “You just go back and make sure everyone is okay.”

“Alright.” Chopper set the stuff on the table and popped back into brain point. “Goodnight, Sanji! Sweet dreams!” he said, waving with a hoof.

“And you,” Sanji said, waving back. Then the door shut. And he was alone. Sanji laid back on the bench and smoked. Did nothing but smoke. Stared at the ceiling. Wondered why this had all happened and what the hell he was going to do if it didn’t change by tomorrow. But it would. Right? They woke up as women so they could wake up as men the next day. And that was that. 

 

 


	3. Rough Seas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning comes and things are unchanged. Sanji is starting to feel the strain.

It was five-thirty am. It was always five-thirty am. Sanji opened his eyes and stared blearily at the ceiling. It was wrong. Too bright. Too high up. Others were missing. Prank? No. Galley. He reminded himself. Right. Galley. He crossed his arms behind his head and looked over and there it was. The table. The counter. The stove. The fridge. All calling to him to get up. Get ready. Time to start the day. Zeff had always told him never to sleep in a kitchen if he could help it and now he knew why. It was just damned annoying. He loved cooking. That was his life. It sang in his blood. But seeing the galley demanding his attention before he’d even had his morning smoke made him want to flip it off. He contemplated getting up, going out into the morning and smoking there but there didn’t seem to be much point. By the time he got up and got dressed and went out, it would be time to go right back in again. Not to mention he had to clean up this space a bit since it felt wrong to be sleeping out here. Awkward. As if he suddenly didn’t fit in. And really, he kind of didn’t.

Cursing under his breath, Sanji fumbled a cigarette and a small book of matches from his pants pocket on the floor, lit it, enjoying the irritated snick of the match head and the poff of the fire lighting. He pulled some smoke into his mouth, match still burning between his fingers and blew it out with that puff of smoke that sent lazy curls into the air. Then, one hand behind his head, legs crossed at the ankles, he quietly went through his morning smoke, watching the play of light bouncing off the water and onto the ceiling. It didn’t relax him even though it felt it should. He was starting to feel an agitated lump deep in his gut.

He needed a fight, he figured. With everything as tense as it was, he needed to blow off some steam. Kick someone in the face. Even if he was just blocked by the hardness of a lacquered sheath. He sat up, and then remembered and laid back down. Zoro could be a man this morning. And that somehow made it worse. That he was relying on Zoro to help him blow off steam. No, this was just a passing weakness. Sanji trusted and cared for his nakama but he was a pretty self-reliant guy. He could handle it with the same cool dignity he handled everything. He took the cigarette from his mouth, pinching it between thumb and forefinger as he blew out a smoke ring. A pretty pathetic ring, too. He could do better than that. He put the cigarette to his lips and took a deeper draw until his mouth was filled with smoke. And then Robin walked in.

Sanji fell out of the hammock, landing hard on his hands and knees, the smoke went straight into his lungs, making him cough and his eyes tear. Ah shit. Son of a—

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Robin said, seeming taken aback. “I was just going to get some coffee and didn’t realize—”

“No, no that’s perfectly alright, Robin-chwan,” he wheezed, stumbling to his feet. He wasn’t even dressed and oh shit was his hair—? Oh shit it was. He clapped a hand to his face, covering his eye and more importantly his eyebrow, hoping she hadn’t seen. It didn’t seem she had. She seemed to be hesitating. Then she smiled, tilting her head to the side, so beautiful in the early morning light.

“I’ll just come back later, ne?”

“No,” he said. “I mean, yes. I mean…I’ll make coffee for you. No need to worry.” He smiled. She hesitated again. He hoped she wouldn’t insist. Of course he would let a lady make her own coffee but he didn’t…want to have to feel like he was sneaking past her in his night clothes and…with his stupid hair and the galley looking like he lived in it, which of course he did because of those shitty ass stupid berries. She nodded finally and left and he blew out a sigh of relief. He crossed the galley to stub out his cigarette on the ashtray on the counter, and then came back. Getting dressed first. Except. These were the clothes from yesterday. All of his other clothes were back below. Shit! Sanji kicked the wall. Okay. Well. It was only five-thirty and barring Zoro being an idiot, no one should be awake. Okay. Dress. Comb. Clean this shit up. Brea— No wait. Better start Robin’s coffee. So coffee and then dress.

The coffee itself didn’t take him but a moment and he was careful to put in just enough so it would be strong but not too strong, just like Robin liked it. The he hurried out into the morning where the sun was coming up over the Merry’s figurehead. He padded down to the mast and had almost made it to the hatch when a soft, high, rough and tumble sunshine voice from above said:

“Oh,Sanji!”

Sanji winced and had time enough to clap a hand over his eyebrow again before Luffy slammed into view, her legs giving entirely too much for any normal human before she popped back into shape, little jiggles occurring here and there that he tried to not notice too much. Though it was hard, very hard, to not want to wiggle a little when she looked up at him, holding onto her hat, a serious frown on her face, her eyes so big and full of vivacity and spirit. He bit the inside of his lip and tried to keep from making a noise akin to a small puppy.

“Nami told me that because I’m a girl I can make you give me all the food I want and you won’t even say no.”

“Did she?” Sanji said faintly and with a smile. Because far be it from him to criticize Nami but—

“But she also said that it wouldn’t be fair that way since you couldn’t fight back. So I won’t.”

But Nami was an angel. A goddess! He worshiped the very ground she stepped on. Luffy propped one small hand on her hip, which curved a great deal more than he realized, and pointed at him with the other finger.

“So you have to give me lots of food so I won’t be hungry.”

“Anything you say,” he tried not to sing though it might have come out a little melodic anyway. Even though he always did. But who cared. She was too cute to be annoyed at. Luffy grinned widely and a swirling breeze blew the hat off her head where it dangled and tugged on the strings. The sun was in the ragged halo of her hair now, and while he wouldn’t call her an angel it would be something more earthy. A flower. A daisy. Happy and bright with gold touched hair and a smile that went all around her face and eyes that squinched up with the prickly black lashes.

“Good! When’s breakfast?”

“Soon,” he said, just stopping himself from saying: now! Or: Any time you want Captain-chan!

“Okay,” Luffy pouted and tucked her arms behind her head. “I guess I’ll go take a bath till then.”

“A bath?” his heart skipped. Luffy was taking a bath? Voluntarily? Without threats and/or violence? Was…was he really turning into a girl? That was… Luffy’s pout intensified and all thoughts fled right out of Sanji’s head. He kept himself perfectly still so he wouldn’t swirl at her and squish her face between his hands.

“Nami and Robin told me if I don’t bathe everyday it’s bad for their womenly pride or something. Being a girl sucks. I wanna be a boy again. I can’t even pee over the side of the ship very well.”

“That’s tough,” Sanji said. Couldn’t do it very well? Did that mean she had… Well he didn’t want to think about that. In fact, he wasn’t going to think about it. Just going to stand her and smile and not move.

“Yeahh…now none of us can pee except you and Chopper. It isn’t fair.”

How was that cute? Why was it cute? Why were they still talking about pee? He had to get dressed. He had shit to do but she was right there and demanding his attention and he couldn’t help but give her all his lo—all of it. Luffy puffed out air and then peered at Sanji.

“Did you hit your eye or something?”

“No,” Sanji said, and unable to think up an excuse said absently: “I’m just doing this.”

“Oh okay.” Luffy slapped a hand over her own eye. His heart. Melted. Stop. Couldn’t. “See you at breakfast.”

“I’ll be waiting.” Captain-chaaan. Luffy walked away and Sanji watched her go and then realized he didn’t have time to watch anyone go even if they were like two lush peaches just at the perfect ripeness where you could— No. No. Dressed. Comb. Coffee. Breakfast.

Sanji opened the hatch and climbed down into the dimness of the cabin, only to land, turn and clap a hand over his eyebrow when he noticed Zoro was a few feet away, caught in the slant of light that filled the cabin and slid down the gold of her earrings. Her earrings. No. His. Zoro’s. Shit why was she…he awake? He had caught her pulling at the haramaki on one side, the other weighted down by her…by his…by the swords. Wearing another white shirt today. Sanji hoped it wouldn’t be too humid. And he could see how she had managed to tie the pants on but not very well. It was a cute attempt. A sad attempt, Sanji thought, remembering last night and felt guilty all over again. Zoro glanced at him, her mouth in a flat line.

“Ah, sorry, I just came to get my clothes,” Sanji said, pointing, and then felt like an idiot because of course Zoro would know where they were.

“I figured,” Zoro said, coming toward him. Sanji swallowed. They just… moved, with every soft bouncing step, as if Zoro didn’t wear a— but then again why would Zoro wear a— Though he could imagine something green and purple and lacy and…no…no no no. Zoro stopped not a few feet in front of him. Sanji pulled his eyes up to Zoro’s face and realized faintly that Zoro was going out and he was in the way. He stepped to the left at the same time as Zoro, and then to the right at the same time as Zoro.

“Excuse me,” Sanji said, stepping back. “After you, mademoiselle.” He gestured with an elegant hand. He knew the mistake the moment he said it but still let out a surprised grunt as her hand twisted into his collar and he was jerked up and slammed against the wall so hard his teeth rattled. Zoro leaned in close, the morning light glinting in her eyes, her mouth pulled into a snarl. He could feel the brush of her chest, too, and he tried not to let it get to him.

“I am not-” Zoro spat, voice low and tight. “A mademoiselle. Nor any kind of woman. Get it through your thick head.”

“Of course not. My apologies.” Which was still the wrong thing, he knew, but what the hell could he say? She scowled at him and shoved him away. He stumbled but caught his balance easily enough, pointedly not watching her as she climbed out the room.Shit. He rubbed his hands over his face and pressed his fingers through his hair.

Forget it for now. He didn’t have time to dwell on it now. Too much shit to do. A crew to feed. And Luffy wasn’t going to stay in the bath forever. Sanji crossed to his sea chest, pulling out a red shirt since it was on top and a clean pair of pants. All he needed. His vest was still in good shape so he’d wear that again today and—

“Hey, Sanji?”

Ahh, Usopp-chan. Why was she awake? Why was she saying his name in such a sweet, sleep filled tone? It was so cute but couldn’t she have slept when he wasn’t so busy? Still, he couldn’t resist her but tried to temper his voice so it he wasn’t melting with love where he stood.

“Yes?”

“Can…can I borrow one of your shirts? It has a collar and it buttons up and…well you know that’s the kind of fashion that looks best on me but I usually don’t wear it because it’s too distracting.”

“Of course! Anything you like!” Even the lie. So sweet. If it was a lie. Ah. If only he could—but he wouldn’t. No. Coffee, combing, breakfast, Dressing. He started to leave.

“Sanji?”

“Yes?” Almost a squeak. Not quite. Still managed to maintain his own manliness.

“I don’t— I don’t look too pretty, do I?”

How…how was he even supposed to… Oh he knew what she wanted to hear. But he didn’t think he could lie that convincingly even if he wanted to. He had to think of something, though. He couldn’t let her down again.But what? What?

“I’ve seen prettier,” he managed, tried to say flippantly. And it was true. He’d seen gorgeous women. Usopp-chan was the cutest, though. Beyond doubt.

“Yeah, I’m kind of ugly, right? Way too gnarly and manly even if I do have girl parts.”

“Exactly.” Just agree and get out. Agree and leave.

“Why are you covering your eye? Did you hit it or something?”

“Allergies,” Sanji said. Of all the stupid things to say… But he didn’t stick around to see if Usopp-chan bought it or not. Instead nodded to her and beat a hasty retreat, scrambling up the ladder. Zoro was working out nearby. Not looking. Not looking. Could hear Luffy’s stupid, off-key, yet adorable singing coming faintly from the bathroom. Not thinking. Not thinking. Went back to the galley, shut the door and leaned against it. Quiet and blessedly mellorine and cutie-chan free. Sanji groaned inwardly at his own thought. Blessedly? He was a ladies man! He should enjoy having cutie-chans and mellorines perched on every available surface, laughing and giggling and chatting among themselves, demanding the special service only he could provide! Just— perhaps not at five-thirty in the morning. Though it was probably closer to six now and the coffee was almost done. Robin would be waiting for it. Couldn’t let her down.

Sanji dressed quickly, but carefully, making sure every button was in place and the tie was absolutely perfect and well knotted. He combed down his bangs, covering that cursed eyebrow. It wasn’t that he minded the way it curled. It was kind of cool, actually and definitely unique. But why did they both have to curl in the same shitty direction? He felt infinitely better once his hair was in place and lit a cigarette just to pull together the cool, sophisticated look of a man who really didn’t give a shit what anyone thought. The one that had the kind of charm and class and good looks that ladies flocked to, and other men, who weren’t rubber headed or moss headed, were jealous of.

The coffee was done, the rich dark aroma filling the small space. Sanji took another moment to judge his reflection, lowering his visible eye so he looked unimpressed— as if he’d seen all the world had to offer and was challenging it to give him that much more.

“Ready or not, ladies, here I come,” He muttered, shoving a hand in his pocket and leaning back a bit, imagining them squealing in joy as they took in his long lean form. It was then he noticed yesterday’s clothes, his night clothes, and the hammock still cluttering up the place. Cursing under his breath, Sanji took the hammock down—and folded his clothes. Then realized he’d have to carry them back to the men’s room and thought it frankly would look rather stupid. Or at the very least would ruin just how awesome he looked this morning. Blowing out a stream of smoke from clenched teeth, Sanji considered a moment, and then tucked his stuff behind two sturdy rice barrels that no one but him would have an excuse to get into, then went to prepare Robin-chwan’s coffee. Nami-swan might be up, too. So he made her a cup as well, strong and sweet with a hint of cinnamon, just how she liked it. Oh, and while he was doing that he quickly heated up some warm milk for Usopp-chwan and Captain-chan and stirred in some precious chocolate so they would actually drink it, and a little more than necessary so Chopper could have some if they decided to leave any left.

Once this was done, he placed the mugs of coffee on a tray, then straightened to appear more “badass but lovable cook” than “slouchy waiter”. Though his badass demeanor may have wiggled a bit once he realized it would be too early for them to be sunning themselves on deck, so the lovely ladies would probably be in their room. Which meant he would get to go at least to the hatch of that soft perfumed haven and maybe be invited down to serve them better. Which he would do with all his heart! Sanji danced his way out of the galley…and saw with some disappointment that Robin was already outside, leaning against the wall. Though when she straightened, she smiled at him and all his disappointments vanished like a morning fog. Ah, Robin-cwhan! How well he was wrapped around her fingers. As many of them as she cared to have!

“Thank you, Cook-san,” she said, taking both hers and Nami-swan’s mugs.

“Anything for you,” he said. There was a faint, strange, yet intoxicating sound on the deck this morning. A kind of husky honey grunt, a puffing of breath, soft and yet heavy. Sanji began to glance toward the sound. “Sorry to make…you …wa…”

It was…it was just exercising. That was all it was. Just a typical sight, really. Zoro’s arms gripping the metal bar, heavy with weights. So strong! A sheen of sweat already starting on the faintly corded muscles of the arms, slicking down the long smooth neck. And so much…bouncing. Soft bouncing. When the arms went up, stretched out, back arched, and when arms went down, those smooth large honeyed loaves, bouncing upward. The haramaki was riding up and pulling the shirt with it revealing a peek of well toned waist. Sanji swallowed.

“Who is that for?” Robin asked. She was talking to him. His Robin-chwan. Wanting his attention. Must— must give her attention.

“Hmmm?” Sanji drew his eyes back to her. Could still hear the grunting. Tried to block it out.

“The third mug. Who is it for?”

Third mug. There was a third mug, wasn’t there. With coffee. Strong coffee. Sour and black and not a hint of sweetness. Oh. There was one honey-chan who took it that way. No! No, no! It was Zoro that green-haired… Summer day… Summer-chan. Summer-chwaaaan. The name bubbled in his throat and he trapped it behind his teeth. Because if he said it. If that came out… It …it would just… But she had asked him a question. Ha ha. She’d asked him. A gorgeous woman had asked him a question. He smiled at her.

“Ah,” she said and he knew he would love her forever. She took the third mug with an extra hand. “I’ll deliver this. Better start breakfast, ne? I’m sure Captain-chan will be done soon.”

“Captain-chan,” Sanji agreed and made his way back into the galley. Shutting the door behind him. Leaning against it. He fumbled a cigarette from his pocket and if his hand shook when he was lighting it that was just because of…something completely unrelated to him. He had breakfast to make. For Nami-swan and Robin-chwan, Captain-chan, adorable cutie Usopp-chwan and Su— Zoro. Zoro who was not a mademoiselle. Who had been angry. Livid, even. Not that he cared what Zoro thought— except that now— except that it shouldn’t be— Why did the shithead have to eat that berry. Why? And why wasn’t it wearing off?

It was all his shitty luck that it would be this way. All their shitty luck. He rammed his heel against the door. And again. He wanted to kick it down. But Merry was already bruised enough. He put a hand on the door in apology, and then stood, smoking until he felt he could cook with a clear head. Then he rolled up his sleeves and went to work. Reminding himself that he had to get the bulk of this done before anyone walked in that would be— distracting.

This proved to be a good idea because he was mostly finished by the time Usopp-chwan came in, lured by the smell of pancakes no doubt. It… he knew what she was trying to do. To try to hide her cute form under too big clothes. But… Sanji’s shirt…favorite blue shirt..hung almost to Usopp-chan’s knees…and her own overalls, too big now, rolled up and up at the feet just so she could walk and her little feet bare and brown…and when she spotted the pancakes on the table her eyes lit up and Sanji nearly put his elbow in the souffle.

“Are those blueberry pancakes?! Awesome!” Then she put her fingers to her chin and bowed her head. “But…hmm.I don’t know if those will be enough. I can eat two hundred pancakes at one sitting. I did once, you know. And even more than that. Syrup ran out of pancake batter for two days and I was so fat they couldn’t roll me out the door.” She held up her hands, palms out and shook her head. “But when pancakes are concerned I have the appetite of twenty men instead of just one. I bet I can eat even more than Luffy.”

“I better make more then,” Sanji said, resting his chin on his hand. He knew faintly that tiny smoke hearts were clustering around the ceiling but he couldn’t stop.

“More what?” Nami said, coming in and it was so good to see her. It always was. But these were curves he knew. Curves he’d built up a tolerance to. And more importantly, it was Nami-swan. He wiggled his hips back and forth and back and forth, clenching the cigarette between his teeth.

“Pancaaakes!” Captain-chan called, bright and happy before she crashed into the galley and nearly tumbled against Usopp-chan, before pushing her to the side and grinning hugely, stars in her bright brown eyes.

“Woah! They look delicious!”

“Wait a second, Luffy,” Usopp-chan said, pulling at Captain-chan’s mouth with her tiny fingers, and stretching it. “You can’t have all of those! I like pancakes too, you know.”

“What? You mean that plate isn’t mine?” Captain-chan said with a befuddled frown. Haa. So innocent. So confused. Usopp-chan sighed.

“Of course it isn’t. Don’t be so greedy.”

“I’ll make you a plate all your own!” Sanji found himself saying, not even sure which one he was talking to.

“Really?” Captain-chan and Usopp-chwan asked at the same time.

“Of course!” Sanji said, clasping his hands together and resting them by his cheek. Such a simple gesture to make them both so happy!

“I want an even bigger plate then!” Captain-chan said, pumping her cute fist into the air.

“I want mine to be even bigger than Luffy’s!” Usopp-chan said, pumping her cuter fist into the air so that the sleeve of the shirt slid down her little arm. And then they wrapped those slender arms around each other’s shoulders and started kick dancing and chanting:

“Pancakes. Pancakes.Lots and lots of pancakes.”

“You can have as many as you want!” Sanji called, wiggling his hips in time. All the pancakes of love!

“Sanji-kun!” Nami said, almost like she was scolding him but—ah— he liked that part of Nami, too!

“I want a hundred,” Captain-chan sang.

“I want a thousand,” Usopp-chan sang.

“I’ll make it all,” Sanji sang.

“That’s it,” Nami-swan said. “You two, out of the galley.”

“Aww.” Captain-chan pouted. “But it’s breakfast!”

“It’s not breakfast quite yet,” Nami said with a strained smile.

“But there’s food—”

“I said get out!” she snapped, popping them both in the head. Such rage! Such hard fists of love! Such pouty faces of the other two as they walked out, nursing their cute little lumps! Ah! He felt like he could die! Nami closed the door and leaned against it, a hand to her forehead. Sanji kept wiggling, unable to stop himself, wanting to offer her something but not even sure what. He was just thinking about pancakes. Lots of pancakes. Heart shaped pancakes.

“Geez, Sanji-kun,” Nami said, folding her arms. “I know it’s hard, but you can’t keep getting pulled to their level.”

“But it’s such a cute level, Nami-swan,” Sanji said, hoping she didn’t notice how high his voice was.

“Can’t you try to picture them as men?”

Could he try? He tried. For her. After all, Zoro was the most obvious man among the three of them. But then—ahh these days— No. That was hard enough. So Usopp then. Cutesopp. Little curly hairedsopp. Sparrow-chan. Honey-chan. No. Crap. Okay okay. Luffy. With cutie big brown eyes. How…? How…?

“I guess we’ll just have to make do,” Nami said with a sigh. “If we set sail right after breakfast, we should make landfall in the evening. In the meantime, I’ll talk to them. As for you—” and she jabbed a loving finger in his direction. “Just make enough so that no one goes hungry and that’s it. Supplies are expensive and I don’t want to have to cash in that gold around here. You got it?”

“Understood, Nami-swan!” he said, saluting. Though understanding and being able to follow through… She nodded and left and the moment the door was closed, Sanji bent to rest his head on the table. A smoke heart drifted down from the ceiling and broke into a haze on the counter. Landfall… Landfall… The sweetest word he’d ever heard. 


	4. Brought Up Short

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> En route to the island where they will (hopefully) find the cure that will save Sanji's sanity, the crew encounter an unexpected enemy and are forced into a fight.

Sanji sat on the stern of the ship, leaning against the wall. It had gotten hot again. His tie was loose and the first two buttons of his shirt undone to get as much of the breeze as he could. He leaned his head against the wall and watched the smoke stream past his lips, caught by the wind and over the railing. A long day and lunch hadn’t been even been over for an hour. He could hear his cutie-chans having fun on the ship behind him. He wasn’t sure what they were doing but there seemed to be a lot of shrieking involved, both Captain-chan’s healthy yelp of surprise to Usopp-chwan’s high pitched call, floating along the breeze. It was adorable and he was tempted to peek around the corner and see what they were up to, but… but… it was nice just hearing them.

Probably better just hearing them, to be honest.

Sanji looked at his right hand and sighed at the angry patch of red along his palm. He’d been doing so damn well, too. Lunch had just been plain, per Nami’s suggestion. Sandwiches. Just sandwiches. And then a lot of sandwiches. And could Usopp-chan have one of those cool fruity parfaits? Of course she could! And Captain-chan wanted grilled cheese even though it was too hot for it, but far be it from him to say no. And then Zoro had walked in, late, looking like she’d just dumped seawater over her head as was typical after a stupidly intense marimo workout. Except the water in her hair had looked enchanting And on her neck and even though he’d managed to keep his eyes fixed at a certain point on her clavicle, he could still see the rest out of the corner of his eye and Luffy had asked him if that hurt and Chopper had squeaked _Sanji_! And he realized he had his hand on the stove.

That had made Zoro walk right the hell back out again, slamming the door behind her, and Chopper had gone into a little fit until he’d snapped at the tiny doctor to lay off and then Nami had told everyone to get the hell out of the galley if they knew what was good for them, and everyone had got. Except for Robin, of course, who had finished her parfait and gave him something like a cool sympathetic smile before leaving him alone in the wrecked mess of a lunch. No one should have to eat lunch like that. No cook should burn his hand over a woman. Zeff would kick him into next week if ever he found out. And Zoro… Sanji knew why the swordsman was pissed. He did. He got it. But they were right there. So big. So new. And his brain shut off like someone had flipped a switch. He leaned his head back and lightly bonked it against the wall, staring up at the scudding clouds.

On top of everything else, he hadn’t even eaten himself yet. He felt the sharp snarl of hunger deep in his belly. And it was fine in a sense, he wasn’t likely to die from a skipped meal or two. Unless it was the last one. A cold shudder ran down his back like a premonition and he stood to spit over the railing for luck. He’d eat something in a minute he just had to get out of the galley before he lost it. Even though standing out here alone was both a pleasure and— and well kind of lonely. But that would all change once they got to this island. They’d find the cure and everyone would be the right damn gender, except for maybe Usopp-chwan. Please. If he had any luck. Just for a little while. Not even a day more. A few hours.

“H…how is your h…hand?” Chopper asked. Sanji winced at that voice and felt even worse when he looked over his shoulder and saw Chopper hiding backwards around the corner. Poor kid. Sanji hadn’t meant to be a complete jackass but after one thing and another and another…

“It still hurts a bit.” Which it did, though he could bear it. But Chopper was concerned and at least Sanji could halfway make it up to him by letting him look at it.

“Hmm.” The reindeer came over and Sanji allowed him to take his hand and turn it over to inspect the burn. “It doesn’t look too bad but I should put something on it and bandage it. Wait right here.”

“Sure,” Sanji said and went to sit down again. From behind, Luffy’s voice rose, clear and pretty.

“Gum Gum nooo wet willie!”

“KYAAA!” Usopp-chan shrieked and Sanji had to laugh. So cute. Too cute.

“I win!” Luffy-chan said.

“Don’t make up stupid moves like that!” Usopp-chan cried, aggravated, though it was hard to tell with her cutie-honey voice. “And you didn’t win, you cheated.”

“That wasn’t stipulated in the rules,” Robin-chwan said, smooth with just a hint of laughter.

“Yeah, we didn’t stupid it!” Luffy said.

“Stipulate it,” Usopp-chan said. “And how can you know what she said if…if you don’t even know what she said!”

“I’m not stupid.”

"How about this, Luffy” Nami-swan said. “If Usopp can touch you, you have to clean the bathroom.”

“Wait a second…” Usopp-chan said. “That doesn’t, really…”

“Okay!” Luffy-chan said.

“Now wait a second,” Usopp-chan said, her voice low and smooth and sneaky and Sanji’s ears burned to hear it. A little smoke heart escaped from his nose before he could stop it.

“Do you really think I could do that to my best friend?”

“Arms around the shoulder count,” Nami-swan said. So evil! So devious! Ahh!

“Eeeeh! Whaaat? You tricked me!” Luffy-chan wailed.

“Wah ha haaa!” Usopp-chwan said and more smoke hearts escaped. Oh no. Oh god. Sanji bit his tie. “Of course! I am the great Captain Usopp and nothing can stand in the way of my victory!”

“You bastaaaarrrd! Gum gum no DOUBLE WET WILLY!”

“KYAAAAAAA!”

“Navigator-chan, you are quite evil,” Robin-chwan said.

“Never doubt it for a second,” Nami-swan said and Sanji could just picture her sticking out her perfect little tongue. Ahh. He shook his head as he pulled at his tie between his teeth. It was all so cute and beautiful! He wanted to go out and witness it and serve them drinks and watch Luffy-chan and Usopp-chwan run around on deck so cute and giddy and in his shirt.

“Mellorine. Mellorine,” he whimpered.

“You are hopeless,” Chopper said flatly. Sanji hit him on the head.

“Ow you bastard!” Chopper said, clutching both hooves to the spot on his hat which, regardless of being a hat, seemed to have a bump. “What did you do that for?!”

“A man’s love for a woman is never hopeless,” Sanji said, pointing with his cigarette in Chopper’s direction. “It always comes from a place deep in his heart.”

“Well then your heart is hopeless,” Chopper said, putting one hoof over his nose and waved away the smoke with the other.

“Why you~!” Sanji snapped, twisting his hand into Chopper’s shirt and dragging him closer. “I’ll turn you into pot roast!”

“You wanna try?” Chopper said, popping into heavy point and grabbing Sanji’s shirt back. There wasn’t really going to be a fight. Chopper wasn’t as strong as certain idiot swordsmen. But Sanji enjoyed glowering at him and pushing at him to make him fall over just as Chopper glowered and tried to push back in return.

“Oi!” Zoro called from probably the crows nest, her voice sweeping down like a rough but gentle wave of dulcet love. Sanji stopped pushing and Chopper fell on him, popping into brain point before Sanji could be suffocated by two hundred and fifty pounds of reindeer fur. His heart, though was already suffocating in fur of love! Sanji put a hand over his eyes.

“There’s a ship!” Zoro continued. Sanji lifted his hand from his eyes.

“What kind?” Nami called.

“Can’t tell,” Zoro called back.

“It’s a mystery ship,” Luffy-chan said.

“Not everything is a mystery just because you can’t tell what it is,” Usopp-chan said.Chopper pushed himself up and looked over, even though they couldn’t really see the ship from where they were.

“I wonder if it’s the Merchant Pirates,” Chopper murmured, almost as if to himself.

“Merchant Pirates?” Sanji said.

“Yeah. I heard about them in town. They like to travel the trade lanes and don’t raise flags so they can…surprise any ship they see…” Chopper said, growing panic evident in his voice.

“No one else knows about this, do they?” Sanji said, though he knew what the answer had to be. There was really only one answer on a day like this. Chopper tapped his hooves together and looked down at them, sweat beading on his fur.

“Well…well no… I mean after one thing and the other I kind of forgot.”

Naturally. But maybe they would get lucky and it would be just a merchant ship without the pirates. Sanji rolled to his feet and nearly jumped — _nearly_ \--when the roar of a cannon boomed through the air and the ball itself went whistling right past his ear. Ooof course.

“Are you trying to kill me, you bastards?!” Sanji snapped to the other ship even though they couldn’t hear him and then remembered that he was a calm kinda guy and lit a cigarette. He was faintly aware of Chopper freaking out behind him, and more aware of Usopp-chwan freaking out in front of him, and of course aware of Nami sitting up from her deck chair and shrieking in dulcet tones:

“You’ve gotta be kidding me!”

“Wooah, that surprised me,” Luffy-chan said, holding onto her hat. “I wonder what they want?”

“What do you think they want?” Usopp-chwan snapped. Then, fingers digging into the mast in a heart-rending fashion added: “Luffy, we have to get out of here. We can’t fight them like this. We can’t!”

“It doesn’t look like we’ll have a choice,” Zoro said, climbing down from the mast and standing, feet braced wide on deck, folding her hands over her breasts, then under them, then clenching her fists at her sides. Sanji looked away. Toward the ship. Zoro was right, of course, the bastard. The ship was bearing down on them, using a sort of cross-current it seemed like though he couldn’t be sure. It was also bristling with men who were bristling with weapons. But, nothing they couldn’t handle.

“We have to stop!” Nami said. “At this rate we’ll slam right into them!”

Oh shit. He hadn’t considered that!

“Can’t we just turn?” Luffy asked.

“No, there are shoals on either side! We’ll run aground!”

“Oh, well then we can just go right through them,” Luffy said.

“No we can’t!” Sanji found himself shouting with Zoro, Usopp, and Nami and for a moment—Just a moment— But there were no moments because a ship under full sail was no easy task. A halyard, yanked by the wind, whipped through his hands and burned, pulling up skin, until several more hands blossomed from his arm and wrapped around the line, holding it steady. _Stop!_ He thought frantically, gritting his teeth. _Stop! Stop you shitty boat!_ Merry wouldn't be able to take the hit. She’d shatter to splinters and them with it!

He held his breath as Merry slowed, despite the strong current surrounding them.

They averted disaster by the skin of their teeth. And now Sanji was good and pissed, his heart racketing up in his throat. His hands hurt and stung like a bitch, he’d had to watch Usopp-chwan be slammed against the wall and not be able to do anything about it and he was down to two cigarettes—which would barely be enough to get him through dinner. Those sons-of-bitches were going down. He shoved his hands in his pockets and paced to the prow of the ship, where Luffy and Zoro were standing, stopping and leaning back as he glowered at all those annoying, bristly, ugly ass, over masculine faces that would soon be decorated with his shoe prints. The other ship slowed to a stop as well, almost right in their path. What must be their captain, a big man with a stiff blond beard almost as long as he was, came to the railing and leered at them.

“Forgive the intrusion, cutie-chan,” the man said and Sanji clenched his fists in his pockets. Only he was allowed to use that name. Just hearing that word from this gap toothed pock marked broom faced bastard’s mouth made his blood boil.

“Get out of our way,” Luffy said.

“A ship crewed by all women, eh?” Broom-head said, looking straight at Sanji when he said it.

_Oi_ ,Sanji growled in his head.

“We’ll move out of your way sure enough, after we take all your food…”

_Oi_

“All the money you have.”

“Oi,” Nami growled.

“And everything else you have, too,” broom face said, voice dipping low and evil. It curled up like ice in Sanji’s spine then flared into a rage that shook through him. He ran forward, launching himself off the bow railing toward the other ship, then wrenched himself in mid-air, and kicked the asshole right in the face, sending him slamming back into a mess of his crew and knocking them down as well.

“Captain Whisk!” some of the men cried, while others snapped:

“You bastard!”

Sanji landed lightly, the men surrounded him with various swords, clubs and a pistol or two but nothing to worry about. He pulled a cigarette from his pocket and lit it, then shoved one hand back into his pocket, blowing a stream of smoke at the bastards who ringed him. A lot of bastards.

“Men like you are the destroyers of women’s hearts,” Sanji said, just managing to keep from snarling. He pointed the cigarette at them. “For that and for threatening my cutie-chans, I won’t let any one of you bastards set foot on our ship.” He put his cigarette back between his lips and shoved his other hand into his pocket, bracing himself so he could move in any direction.

“No way! You don’t get to have all of them!” Luffy said. The men around him went goggle eyed and some screamed what is she? And Sanji figured Luffy was probably stretching his way over, and found he was right when Luffy landed next to him. Luffy-chan landed next to him. So small. So cute. So fragile looking.

“But Luffy-chan…” Sanji started and then had to stop a moment as a man charged him to whip around and kick him in the face.

“Just because things are weird now doesn’t change anything.”

Except it did. Because they towered over her now and— while he knew she was strong he couldn’t just let— His thoughts were interrupted by a startled, feminine stepped-on-a-duck sound and the men around him burst into laughter. He turned and saw Zoro hanging off the railing, gripping it as hard, her face red as her arms strained.

“Oh, Zoro,” Luffy said, sounding mildly surprised. “You slipped?”

“Shut up,” Zoro snapped. “I’m not used to this weight.”

Sanji…watched. It was about the only thing he could do. Everyone else was just watching too. It was kind of a stillness of just watching as Zoro hauled herself up, arms trembling slightly under the weight of the…of something he wasn’t looking at.

“Do you need—” Sanji started.

“Back off!” Zoro snapped before Sanji could even move. The swordsman flipped a long, well toned leg over the railing and tumbled onto the deck. Her face scarlet as she got to her feet. Luffy-chan was frowning. An expression Sanji couldn’t read. Zoro seemed to be able to, though, because she looked away, and raised a hand to rub the back of her neck. Someone whistled and Sanji tensed, looking for the bastard who did it even as he saw Zoro’s jaw clench.

“Hey, baby!” someone called. “Gonna use those swords on us?”

“Oh man, I can’t wait,” someone else said.

“Why don’t we just wrestle, honey?”

With each taunt, Sanji’s fists clenched in his pockets. His teeth ground together and the cigarette fell to the deck. Zoro’s fists were clenching, too, her shoulders rising, shaking.

“Where you gonna put the third one, cutie-chan?” someone said.

“EVERYONE SHUT UP AND STOP PICKING ON MY SWORDSMAN!” Luffy roared. “GUM GUM NO GATLINNNNG!” For a little thing she still packed as much power as she ever did and men were flying left and right across and over the ship. Sanji’s heart surged with her and he plowed into the men himself, kicking the sons-of-bitches all over the damn place. They came at him, too, and there were a lot of them. He cracked one in the jaw, only to jerk away from a sword swing to kick another in the chin, the sternum, gut, throat, slamming a concasse on one big bastard he was sure had said something crude. Sanji flipped from that man’s head and into a knot of other men, twisting on his hands which tore and bled to kick them all into oblivion, each impact feeling like a stab at some kind of justice. To show these assholes whose cutie-chan’s they were messing with. Whose crew there were messing with. Some must have gotten onto the ship, though, because he heard the call of a thunderbolt tempo. The occasional interjection of ‘clutch’ and Chopper yelling as he fought with echoing cries of ‘monster!’ And yet, from all that, there was something missing. Something that made his heart lurch.

When the men were flattened around him like a plate of sashimi, Sanji hopped to his feet and glanced to the Merry, and then the clash of steel drew his attention back to this ship. Zoro was fighting not a few feet away. Though, not exactly fighting. The man was huge and bound with muscle and had a huge metal club slammed into Zoro’s crossed swords, he was pushing Zoro back and back and back toward the railing. She didn’t stumble but it didn’t seem to matter, her feet skidded anyway no matter how hard she tried to brace. She even tried to push forward. But it didn’t work.

He wanted to go and help her.

Shouldn’t go and help her.

Zoro would kill him.

He knew Zoro would kill him. But… but… The club man grinned and gave a hard shove. Zoro did stumble then, and tried to recover but the man just bellowed a laugh and swung his massive hammer down. Fast. Too fast. Shit! Head bent, Sanji charged forward and launched himself into the air.

“Collier shot!” he snapped, jamming his foot into the huge guy’s throat, feeling the resistance of flesh that meant nothing to the force of his kick. The man slammed back, taking several of his crew out with him and almost Luffy who shot out of the way and knocked even more people out with a gum gum whip that sank through several decks. Sanji landed and then instinctively twisted to block the white sword’s sheath before he even knew it was there.

“Bastard!” Zoro was snarling at him. “That was my fight! I don’t care what’s going through your perverted little love cook head but don’t take _my_ fights!”

“You stumbled.” Sanji meant to yell it. He really did. He knew that was what Zoro wanted. Or maybe? But he couldn’t yell. He could only mutter weakly, deflated by the pitch of her voice. How _furious_ she was about it. And he had stolen her fight. Sort of. But what if she’d been hit? But it was Zoro— But it was _obvious_ that— he… _she_ …

“You—” Zoro started but a line of swordsmen were approaching them and she cut off, turning to meet them, lifting her head. Sanji shifted his weight, hoping she wouldn’t see out of the corner of her eye but judging by her scowl, she did. He clenched his fists. What? He wasn’t going to interfere! But if— If something happened— He couldn’t just—

“Come play with us,” one of the swordsmen said with a leer. Zoro said nothing, but put the white sword in her mouth, then pulled out the two others, slick and smooth.

“Oni…” she snarled over the white sword’s hilt, crossing her arms which pushed her …which pushed…them together and up, with the haramaki riding up revealing a slice of toned of skin… and Sanji knew what was going to happen before it did. Nosebleeds all around and two of the men fell over like trees while the third one went on his hands and knees and thanked her profusely.

“Damnit! Get up you bastards!” she snapped over the hilt. “Get up! _Fuck_!” and she slammed one of the swords into the deck, very very narrowly missing Sanji’s foot. He stared at it. She did, too. Very slowly, she put the white hilted sword away, and then the black one and then stared at the one still quivering in the deck.

“ _Kitetsu_ ,” Zoro said, reaching out as if to grip the hilt. Sanji wasn’t sure what she was talking about but his throat closed as he saw her hand tremble. She clenched it into a fist and pulled it back so that it trembled at her side. Her entire body was rigid, her teeth set so hard he thought they would break. Then she twisted her head away and her shoulders seemed to slump which was even worse.

“I can’t fight like this,” she said. She couldn’t. Zoro couldn’t. Sanji wouldn’t let— One stupid fight— He lowered his head and glared at her, focusing on her face, those black eyes that he knew really irritatingly well.

“Don’t make excuses just because you’re a woman, shithead,” he said, keeping his eyes on hers. Which was easy because then she glared at him again.

“I’m not—”

“Yes you are. For right now, you are. Just because you can’t fight the way you’re used to doesn’t mean you can’t fight. So pick up your shitty sword, marimo, and let’s take care of these bastards.” And he still wanted to apologize but kept it locked up behind his teeth. His entire body felt like rock except that, if he moved even an inch, he’d crack himself to dust. Zoro ducked her head and smirked. A familiar smirk. But one that twinged completely different things in him. She needed to stop doing that.

“You sound like me, Curlybrow,” she said, jerking the rsword from the deck and laying it against her shoulder with all the calm arrogance that he was used to and certain shifting parts that he wasn’t. “Looks like you’re not as soft-headed as I thought.”

Ah. A compliment. In that husky voice. With that feral grin. He couldn’t move. He didn’t dare. It would break everything and she would lose this shining healthy confidence, or punch him in the face. Probably the latter. But why…why did she have to be so…so…

There was the tap of feet landing heavily behind him and he knew it was Luffy though for some reason wasn’t expecting, when he turned to face her, that it would be cute Luffy. But it was and she was frowning and he wanted to kick someones ass to make that frown go away.

“This fight is weird,” she said. Her arms shot out on either side of them slim and cute and stretchy as she backed up.

“Luffy…” Zoro said and Sanji heard the sword sliding home. Though whatever Zoro was going to say was cut off by their Captain-chan.

“I don’t like it so I’m just gonna break the ship. You guys go back to the Merry.”

“Of course!” Sanji said with a smile.

“Gum gum no…” Luffy-chan started.

“Luffy, wait, just let--” Zoro started.

“SLINGSHOT!”

Oh. Right. That.

And she was so strong for such a little thing!

Sanji barely had any time to brace for impact before he slammed into Zoro. There was nothing but clouds and dazzling blue sky. He felt the shudder as the railing broke, and another shudder as the Merry’s railing broke. The rest of it was a little harder to follow as it involved hitting the deck and possibly bouncing and then there was the swirl of sky and deck and then more deck which he hit hard enough for stars to wink behind his eyes.

And then he died. He must be dead because it was dark, and admittedly hard wood under his nose, but above him, against his neck, the back of his head, either side, so soft— so firm—so warm yet pliable, tickling, pressing, closing him in all around. Suffocating, too, but what a way to go. And more softness against his back, but a different kind, a heavy weight, a delicious weight. To turn around would be instant suffering but the temptation was great. Then, thankfully, sadly, there was a grunt and all that sweet aching heavy pressing warmth lifted away.

“That idiot,” said the husky sweet honey voice. He knew it was Zoro, he really did. And that this was a bad place to be in utter rapture over the fact that for just a moment he had been in the warm soft valley of heaven. He’d bite his tie if he thought he could move but he wanted to hold onto the sensation of that blissful moment for as long as he could.

“Oh no, you killed Sanji!” Chopper yelped.

“What do you mean I killed him?” Zoro-chw…. Chwa…aaan said, sounding adorably angry. The next moment big furry hands were turning him over and he found himself looking up into Chopper’s frowning face. Moment gone. And besides the fact that he didn’t want to worry their little doctor, the ladies were depending on him to make a quick recovery.

“I’m fine,” Sanji said, rolling with liquid grace to his feet and right into a cool pose, bent back slightly like he just didn’t care, one hand in his pocket and the other pointing in a cool as silk finger trigger pose. “I was healed by the power of love.”

It seemed like a harsh wind swept the ship just then.

“I’m going to forget you said that,” Zoro-ch— Summer-chwan said.

“You are completely hopeless. There’s no cure,” Chopper muttered.

“There is no cure for love!” Sanji said, fairly sung.

“Will you shut up?!” Summer-chwan bellowed and Sanji managed to keep the rest of the words in because they distressed her so but he couldn’t help but rock his hips back and forth a little in the joy of it.

“You’re all idiots,” said a rough unfamiliar and very male voice.

“Ehh?” Sanji planted his feet wide on the deck and glowered at the dirty merchant pirate who had the nerve to still be there.

“Woah! Quick recovery!” he faintly heard Chopper say. The big ugly potato of a pirate leered and started to pull a pistol from his belt.

“Now, I’m gonna—”

But was cut off when Sanji snapped him over the side with his heel and sent him skipping once, twice, three times before he finally sunk. There didn’t seem to be any more of the bastards on deck, though. The ones on the ship seemed to be mostly concerned with watching in awe of Luffy’s leg, which was stretched up high before coming down and Battle-Axing the hell out of the prow, probably finishing what she’d started as the wood rumble and the keel snapped from the pressure. Sanji smirked. Those bastards were going nowhere. And then Luffy was falling toward the water. And then Luffy fell in the water.

“Shit!” Zoro said and Sanji agreed with her. Zoro was racing for the side, but Sanji got there first, loosening his tie and kicking off his shoes before he dove into the sea. Idiot -but adorable- hammer. Couldn’t she have thought that through a little more? Though what cute recklessness! Who couldn’t let a cutie-chan with a face like that do whatever she wanted? He spotted her then, and kicked harder, picking up his speed to grab her around the rubbery, but svelte and yet surprisingly toned, waist, and sent them shooting to the surface. She was much lighter, too, he realized as carried her coughing cutely wet noodle form up the ladder and gently deposited her on deck. He imagined her eyes fluttering open, her mouth turning into a cute wide grin as she sat up and—

Wait a minute. Sanji straightened and scanned the deck. Where was Usopp? It wasn’t like the sniper not to be there and bragging over how he brought down forty-seven people with just his snot or something. Sanji hadn’t heard any of his…her…Usopp’s attacks, either. Maybe she was in the Crow’s Nest. That was a good place for a sniper, right? Sanji climbed the ladder and peered in. Empty. Shit. The galley was empty, too. And so was the storeroom and the bathroom. Shit! No, no, no! Had she fallen overboard and no one realized? Had she been taken? The thought stabbed like ice through him. Those kind of guys would be bad enough with normal Usopp, but as she was now…

There was one place left to check. If she wasn’t there then— then he would— he would do something. He didn’t even know what. A cold tight knot settled in his chest as he hurried to the men’s room. He opened the hatch and was about to call out for the sniper when he heard a heavy sniff followed by a shuddering breath and his heart broke into a hundred pieces. Sanji considered whether to go in or not, but when Luffy asking where Usopp was made a muffled squeaky curse happen from below, he knew he couldn’t leave. Sanji started down the ladder, shutting the hatch firmly behind him, before looking around and blinking to adjust his eyes to the dimness.

“I was going to fight,” Usopp said in a wavery voice, then cleared her throat and tried again. “But I decided it would be better not to hog all the glory. You guys deserve some, too, for working so hard.”

He wanted to give it to her. His first instinct was to say ‘of course’ and ‘how thoughtful of you, honey-chan!’ But… Sanji sighed and sat on his hammock, knowing where it was by instinct mostly. He could just see her, huddled in a corner. He pulled his…his last cigarette out and lit it, cupping his hand around the flame so as not to sting her eyes, then tucked the lighter back in his pocket and took a deep soothing draw.

“Did something happen?” Sanji asked. Because…because if something had... If anyone of those assholes had even thought about touching—

“Yes, you see…uh…there was this guy as big as two mountains and I with my own two hands I—”

“Usopp.” It came out harsher than he’d meant to and he didn’t want to sound harsh with her. But he had to know. There was silence. Damning silence or just—? He took another deep draw and waited as patiently as he could. There was a faint tapping sound that he realized was his foot and he stopped it by sheer force of will.

“I can’t— this body is—” Usopp started, broke off again. Sanji’s heart lurched and he closed his eyes. Damnit.

“Everyone seems so big,” she continued. “And I…I’m so small and… I had some muscle. I had it! But now— now I’m just— if—someone hit me I would break. I mean Luffy’s made of rubber no matter what and Zoro is Zoro but I’m… I’m…”

“Nami is Nami,” Sanji pointed out quietly. “And Robin is Robin.”

“Robin has a Devil’s Fruit and…and even Nami is bigger than I am. But— but it doesn’t matter. I mean, what’s one fight? Tomorrow I’ll be a boy so this is just— I mean, it’s like I’m sick, right? No one expects someone to fight if they’re sick. So but once I’m a boy again I’ll be back to my warrior self! An unstoppable wall of force!”

But it did matter. It did because with Usopp’s skill-set, being a girl shouldn’t matter. Or at least not very much. But it wasn’t just about Usopp being afraid as a girl, either. It was something deeper… Like this kind of thought was always with her even when she was a boy. Like..sh…Like he didn’t think he could actually do it. Which Sanji never quite understood because even if Usopp couldn’t lift a three hundred pound weight with his pinky, neither the hell could Sanji. And Sanji couldn’t stretch insane distances either. Nor did he know much about diseases. And while his own aim was fairly good he couldn't even match Usopp's skill. 

“Usopp—” he started.

“Please don’t tell anyone,” she said. “J…just forget it happened.” Well, he wouldn’t have told anyone to begin with because it wasn’t their damn business but he couldn’t forget about it, either.

“Listen, you are—”

“Please, Sanji-kun?” she said in a soft breathy way that rocketed right up to his skull. That was. She was… Such an…an…ad…adorable cheat. Said in that tone... Utter cuteness aside he— if a lady asked him… and even though Usopp needed…and he could push through but what if Usopp cried again? He couldn’t— but maybe it didn’t matter because tomorrow Usopp would be a boy and Sanji could talk to him then without wanting to tear his own heart out.

“As you wish,” he said, standing. He had to start prepping for dinner anyway. And perhaps a little snack before that to take the edge off of Luffy-chan’s voracious appetite so he wouldn’t be cuted into making nine pot roasts or something. His hands stung as he climbed the ladder and he wondered at that but those thoughts were chased from his head when he saw Zoro coming toward the men’s room, face knotted in that angry worry. He sighed a out a breath of smoke and pulled himself from the hatch.

“Oi, have you seen—” Zoro started, then stopped as Sanji nudged the hatch closed with his foot and braced his legs wide, knowing somehow that Zoro was going to be an idiot about this. Sanji pinned his gaze to Zoro’s feet, which didn’t work because they were bare, of course. He could’ve tried to pretend if Zoro was wearing those big green stupid boots he always tromped around in but even Sanji could tell they’d be too big for her now.

“That idiot,” Zoro said, starting forward but Sanji blocked her way. Zoro tensed. This was going to suck. But now that he was committed he couldn’t just back down. He shoved both hands in his pocket and kept his head down.

“Move,” Zoro said and Sanji’s legs twitched but he kept them right where they were.

“Leave it,” Sanji said, sounding as harsh as he could. Then because he didn’t even know if he could stand this kind of fight added: “Please.” Zoro sighed in a harsh breath.

“Look, you lovesick idiot. I know Usopp looks like a girl, but even if—”

“She _is_ a girl. She’s a mellorine. A cutie-chan.” _And she asked me_. She _asked_ me. “And tomorrow she’ll be a boy. So just leave it.”

“I’m just saying that even if she is a girl, it shouldn’t matter,” she said, frustrated.

“I know.”

“If you know, then move.”

“I can’t.”

For a sinking moment, Sanji wasn’t sure that Zoro would move. That he would have to actually try to physically keep her back and that…that would… But finally she cursed and turned away. He was letting her down. This wasn’t healthy for Usopp either. Or any of them. He knew it. He understood it. But what the hell was he supposed to do? Cook. That was what he could do. He went to the galley, savoring his last cigarette and trying not to imagine what would happen when it was gone. He shouldered the door open, and was relieved to find it empty except for Chopper who had obviously been waiting for him. Why? Oh yeah. His hands. Shit.

He sat at the table, put his hands out palm up and then ducked his head, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see them. He didn’t want to know. He really freaking didn’t. Chopper was silent for a moment and Sanji felt the touch of warm hooves and then big furry hands, lifting his as if inspecting them in better light.

“They look worse than they are,” Chopper said. “And it’s just your palms that need the attention. They might be a little slow to heal but maybe one or two days.” He hesitated. “I’m going to put some salve on now.”

“Thanks, Chopper.” He braced himself and didn’t flinch too much at the cold and then the faint sting. But it wasn’t much and it wasn’t bad. And it was just his palms and one or two days? It would be nothing. Especially since everyone would be the right gender by tomorrow. Even Usopp. Especially Usopp. There was a quiet knock on the door and Sanji lifted his head, smiling automatically as Nami-swan poked her head in, and then smiled faintly back, though she looked worried, even though she almost immediately brightened. Covering up her worry by shoving the door open and leaning against the frame, all relaxed and beautiful.

“So, this town we’re coming to? It has really great cuisine, I heard. Best in the archipelago. It will be kind of fun to eat out for breakfast.”

“Whatever you say,” Sanji said brightly since she was trying so hard to make things easy for him. For her sake he chased away the stab of jealousy that any cuisine there could have more draw than his for his Nami-swan, and buried the knowledge that it was because of him that she was having to spend money.

“Maybe for dinner, too,” Chopper said.

“Oi, what the hell are you implying?!” Sanji snapped.

“ _Any_ way,” Nami said sternly. “That’ll be kind of impossible since, because of those jerks,” and she gestured vaguely seaward. “We won’t get there until pretty late.”

“I’m sorry about that,” Chopper said. “I knew about them but I forgot.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Nami said, waving a hand. So forgiving! “It’s not like they actually tricked us or anything. Besides, with our luck we should probably expect these sort of things more often.” For a moment she looked tired and Sanji wanted to kick someone’s ass. Anyone’s ass. She shouldn’t have to worry about everyone like this. But there was no one’s ass to kick but his own. Nami sighed.

“Make it a light dinner okay, Sanji-kun?”

“As light as I can,” he promised with a smile. Though that wasn’t likely to be very light at all. Everyone’s appetite was ramped up after a fight. Not to mention Usopp would be worried about someone figuring out what she’d done so she’d be stress-eating which meant he’d had to keep an eye on her so she didn’t overeat.

“Thanks,” Nami said and his heart sang. She left the doorway and he listened to her walk away and then dropped his head to look up the ceiling. He felt Chopper wrap bandages around his hands which were already feeling better and he flexed them to make sure they were limber enough. A little stiff but it would be fine.

“Do you…” Chopper said. “Do you want any help?”

“I got it,” Sanji said, waving a hand and getting up. He paced to the fridge and opened it, absently pulling the cigarette from his mouth even though it had already gone cold. He looked at what he had, trying to decide what best to make, and his stomach growled. Food first. A hungry chef made shitty food, as Zeff had always told him. So a small plate of sandwiches for everyone for now which he would have Chopper deliver and then he could eat and they could eat an then he would start on dinner. Maybe some sort of soba dish. Or maybe a nice soothing gazpacho. They could all use some soothing.

"Everything will be better tomorrow,” Chopper said. “You’ll see.”

“Of course,” Sanji said. But at the moment he still had to worry about the rest of today.

 


	5. Landfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally at an island, the crew go and seek a cure for the mysterious berry and Sanji finds someone who may be able to help. But while the question is sure, the answer may lead to more problems than it does solutions.

The port town of Pokanoco was small and compact, tucked up against a curving, shallow bay that kept it protected from the larger pirate ships which would no doubt like to plunder this little beauty. And it was beautiful. Very beautiful. Lots of white buildings and arched shadowed palm trees, and cool white fountains where women chatted and giggled, holding buckets of water in strong young hands. Sanji rolled the toothpick in his mouth and chewed on it, looking away from the gaggle of swans by the white fountain of sparkling love, to a pair of older men with grey in their hair, playing a game of checkers under the shadow of a tavern. The men were big and rough-looking and one kept digging in his nose with a forefinger while the other belched, the sound like a cannon rolling down the narrow streets. Sanji gave him a grin and a thumb up when the man glanced at him. But maybe Sanji’s grin was too tight because the man just scowled at him, which was irritating and Sanji moved the toothpick to the other side of his mouth. It was probably good that he was annoyed. Because his other compulsion was to—to hang out with them. To sit and watch their game and hear rough men voices and get mad and laugh at stupid jokes.

But that was okay. This was okay. He’d had a wonderful, if slightly manic, time with his ladies and they would find the cure today. Here. And everything would be alright. Everything would be back to normal. He pulled the picture of the berry that Usopp-chan had drawn out of his shirt pocket and stared at it. Purple and spikey. And he remembered how small yet confident her hand was as she traced the black outline and then colored it in with purple— no _lavender_ marker which had got on her fingers, the tip of her nose, and another of Sanji’s orange shirts, which hadn’t been his favorite shirt and even if it had been, how could he be mad at those marks of love? The toothpick splintered between his teeth and he took out another one. Especially since she’d drawn so cheerfully and then held up the paper with one hand while the other rubbed her chin. _Haa_ , he had barely gotten out alive.

Then, of course, breakfast had happened, which had been somewhat relaxing, at this little restaurant that overlooked the bay. And, more importantly, a fairly cheap restaurant which seemed to be scarce in this town— though it was obvious why they were cheap because the eggs had been dry, the gravy over-seasoned and the banana crepes not even worth mentioning. As bad manners as it was, he had been tempted to go back, find the head cook and ask him what the hell he was thinking trying to serve such shit to Sanji’s mellorines and cutie-chans and try his level best not to kick him. But the asshole hadn’t been worth leaving a table surrounded by so much soft joy! And what a joy it was. Everyone eating and happy. And he sitting with them for once.

Then, after a while, the owner had come by and called all his ladies charming and offered them a free meal and Nami had said yes and Zoro had said no and Nami had said you aren’t paying for it so shut up and Zoro had said he refused and the owner said they could fight over him if they wished and Sanji had kicked him in the face.

It had been a little overboard. It had been. He’d be the first to admit that. And of course they’d had to pay for the meal anyway and Nami had gotten a little mad at him and he might have apologized profusely and Zoro might have called him an idiot and he might have said he was her idiot of love…

So the sooner they could turn everything back to normal, the happier Sanji would be. He switched the toothpick to the other side, took it out, rolled the shitty thin wood between his fingers and then grinned like a loon as some ladies giggled at him. Soo many ladies in this town. They continued to giggle and whisper. Giving him come hither eyes and Sanji had no choice but to come hithering.

“Have any of you ladies by any chance seen this berry?” he asked, holding up Usopp-chwan’s cute little drawing.

“That one, no,” said the lady with the auburn hair. She lowered her soft dark lashes. “Are you looking for something sweet?” She was flirting with him. Why was she flirting with him _now_? Why, when he had a mission from heaven and his own sanity, did this lovely copper-haired beauty and giggling raven haired friend decide that he was the lowly one on which to lavish their affections? And yet, he could handle this. He was a ladies’ man after all, as much the wooer as the wooed and perhaps even more so. No time for that now, though, at least not yet. But if the situation changed…

“There isn’t much that’s sweeter than you ladies,” he said, slick and smooth and if he was grinning too widely, well, at least they knew he had all his teeth. “Right now I’m on a quest of love, but if tonight…”

“Tonight? Oh, I don’t know. I’ll have to ask my husband,” auburn haired lady said, and laughing, she and her friend walked away. A stab. Right through the chest. Such a beautiful cut right through him.But it was for the best. All for the best. He tucked away the drawing, reached for his pack of cigarettes, and found nothing but shitty toothpicks.

He shoved both hands in his pockets again. He didn’t need a toothpick. He didn’t even need a cigarette. What he needed was someone who looked like they could tell him about the shitty berry. But he’d looked at the stands and shops all up and down this street and everyone had much the same answer. What if that berry really did only exist on that shitty island? What if they really did remain women forever? Surely he wasn’t that unlucky. Or maybe it was the opposite. Maybe he was _too_ lucky. Even if that was the case, what kind of man was he that a ship full of women was driving him half mad?

“Sir? Are you okay?” a masculine voice said by his shoulder. Sanji turned to calmly wave him off.

“Of course I’m okay! Why wouldn’t I be okay? You wanna start something?!”

“N…no.” The guy was holding up his hands. “You just…kinda stopped for in the middle of the street.”

“Tch.” Sanji shoved his hands deeper in his pockets, hunched his shoulders and forced himself to walk, clenching his teeth. He was a strong person. A dependable person. He would find this shitty berry even if he had to take all shitty day. He would kick that berry’s ass for giving him such a hard time and…and what was that…?

In Sanji’s list of life, there were four intoxicating smells. The first was the sea, always the sea, always missed inland, always embraced on a brisk day when the Merry skipped over the waves. The second was food, and all that entailed, from the preparation of it, to the eating of it, to the smelling of it at a distance and even just imagining how a certain dish would smell as he dropped off to sleep. The third was women and all that entailed, some scents he could only imagine, some scents it was better off not to imagine, but above it all the faint warm fragrance that all women carried around them merely by existing. And the fourth, ah that, the sweet sweet scent of tobacco, promising calm, promising elegant gestures made effortlessly cool with a cigarette, promising what he needed most right now.

Sanji followed the scent, practically floated after the scent. He wasn’t sure if his feet even touched the ground and, as he turned a corner, rising across the way was a Smoke Shop. Never a more beautiful sight than that. He floated toward it and pushed open the door, bronze bells jangling pleasantly and there was a man behind the counter. A manly man. Big and burly and clamping a cigar between his teeth. For a moment Sanji felt as if he’d truly reached a state of nirvana, even as the gnawing hunger that had nothing to do with food, curled in his mouth and through his body.

“Good God, kid,” the shopkeep said. “Take one. On the house. I can barely stand to look at ya.” And he slid two boxes over, one of cigars, one of cigarettes. Sanji took a cigarette with fingers that were only shaking a little and gave the guy a wavery grin.

“Thanks.”

“Talk later,” the man said, waving a hand “Just sit back and enjoy one.”

Sanji nodded and lit it. The click of the lighter, music! The flare of fire. The sweet smoke filling his mouth. _Ahhh_. Tucked in a corner was an overstuffed chair and Sanji plopped himself on it, stretching out his legs, loosening his tie, blowing streams of smoke to the ceiling. Bliss. Absolute bliss. He took his time with the cigarette, letting it linger, thinking of nothing but it burning away. He blew smoke into the air. At first just streams but then he added rings, large and small. He made a smokey target and in the middle of that, puffed a little heart.

“Clever,” the shopkeep said. “Got a lady on your mind?”

“Not really,” Sanji said, dissipating the target with a wave of his hand. And it was true. And for the moment, at least, he’d like to, if not keep it that way, at least keep it to a manageable level. He finished the cigarette and stubbed it out. The shopkeep chuckled.

“Have another.”

“Sure,” Sanji said, rolling to his feet and taking another from the box. He lit it with the huge novelty lighter on the counter and grinned at the man. “But this one I pay for.”

The man laughed.

“Smooth customer. I like that. Suit yourself. Take a look around. We have a two for one special on Blue Marines.”

“Blue Marines are shit.” And he’d thought so even before he’d become a pirate.

“Why do you think it’s a sale?” the man said. “But let me see. Hmmm.” The man rubbed his chin. “You strike me as an Oldport kind of guy.” Not a bad assumption. Oldports were nice and mellow with just a sting of mint. It belonged to the realm of class and cardsharks, a debonair smile and a hint of danger. But he was no shitty card shark and his class only _partly_ came from what he smoked. He shoved a hand in his pocket, cocking his hips forward and grinned at the guy.

“I prefer a Lucky Go.” No mint there. Nice bold in your face flavor, but not overwhelming. Just enough to let you know sure as hell what you were smoking and that you would be back for more.

“Ooh. Interesting. They don’t go much around here.” The guy shifted the cigar to the other side of his mouth. “Pansy bastards need their shitty mint, I guess. They’re over there, if you want ‘em.”

“Heh.” He could get to like this guy. Sanji picked up more packs than he usually did, which was stretching his budget a bit but he had the feeling he would need it. He set them on the counter, then, remembering, took out Usopp-ch— Usopp’s drawing and showed it to guy.

“Have you seen one of these?” he asked. The shopkeep leaned in and squinted.

“A puffer fish?”

“A berry,” Sanji said with a tic of irritation.How could the man be confused? Usopp-chan had drawn it so well! The man leaned forward even more, then shrugged.

“Can’t say that I have. Does it grow around here?”

“I don’t know,” Sanji said with a sigh, folding up the drawing and tucking it back. “Some of my crew ate it back on Jeckle Island and are still…suffering the effects.”

“Oh ho. Bad luck, that. Jeckle’s a fair distance from here current wise so I haven’t been.” The man was placing the packs in a small bag and paused as if he thought of something. “But you know… there is an old lady who lives down by the mangrove forest.”

“You think she would know?” Sanji asked, playing it calm and cool even as his heart jangled against his ribs. An answer. Finally a shitty answer. _Finally_ a shitty cure. The shopkeep shrugged.

“Likely. She used to be a herbalist, they say, traveled all over the archipelago collecting samples. If anyone would know around here it would be her.”

“How do I find her?”

The directions the shopkeep gave him weren’t too terribly complicated and Sanji, feeling like a weight had been lifted from his chest, thanked the guy, paid him and went back out onto the street. This really was a pretty town. He took in the sights that he’d missed before. The little canal there. A pack of children running along the cobbled streets with a joyful dog keeping pace. There was a little old man just under this shadowed alcove who sold various nuts, including some pistachios which Sanji had wanted to get his hands on for weeks now—and so he gave into the temptation to buy. Maybe some pistachio crusted flounder for dinner tonight, with a kind of spicy yogurt for the ladies, and Usopp’s, he had to admit, more complicated palette. The other three would consume anything without regard to how finicky it was, which was part of the reason why Sanji never bothered with those shitheads. Though it was weird how Luffy’s eating habits went from annoying to endearing when they were attached to a sweet little face and big brown eyes, and it was all adorable no matter how much that little mouth had to stretch.

“Sanji-kun!” Nami’s voice rose above the noise of the street and took his heart with it, as usual. He smiled and turned to face her as she came closer, her expression serious and worried.

“Any luck?” she said.

“I think I found someone who might know,” Sanji said, feeling his grin widen as the worry eased from Nami’s face. Ah, how lucky that he’d be the one to tell her!

“That’s good,” she said. “Are you womaned-out yet?” she asked, sticking out her tongue as if she was subtly asking if it would be all right to come along. How cute! How thoughtful! Yes, she could have all of him just for the asking!

“There’s no such thing,” he said. Especially for her. Even if he had a harem of beautiful ladies all gauzy and coy and waiting for his affections, she would be the queen of it. Sanji carefully pushed the thought of that scenario away for later and started down the sloping street. Nami fell into easy step beside him.

For a while there was nothing but the sound of their footsteps along the cobbles—the navigator a bright orange haired beacon by his side. He appreciated her beauty even more, if that was even possible. She was so warm and stylish and confident. She was like the day to Robin’s night or Vivi’s dawn where the colors broke soft and furtive but nonetheless beautiful. He always enjoyed the proud set of her shoulders. The tattoo worn proudly on her arm. The fact that she enjoyed tank tops and mini skirts and very nice bikinis which he was quickly becoming a connoisseur of.

“I cannot _wait_ for all this to be over,” Nami said, rubbing her forehead. “These past few days have just been crazy.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. Maybe he was just as helpless as Chopper had said. And who could not be? There were more mellorines than he knew what to do with and the biggest problem…the biggest problem was that he didn’t know how to… They were still nakama, he still _knew_ them but everything was screwed up.

“No, I don’t blame you.” Nami shook her head. “You didn’t ask them to eat those stupid berries. And you are who you are, right?” A small teasing smile. She was indulging him. Trying to make him feel better. She had such a big heart and he wanted to feel better for her. He wanted to take her words and feel like he really was her suave knight. Her prince. But if he really was either of those things, he wouldn’t have to be given an excuse, an easy way out. The fact that he was who he was just seemed like a cop-out somehow.

“But with any luck whoever we’re going to will know what to do, and we’ll be able to find the cure before I start wanting to do Usopp’s hair.”

“Please don’t say things like that, Nami-swan,” Sanji said, biting his tie. But it was already in his head. Nami, curling her fingers through Usopp-chan’s hair. Them giggling and laughing in a soft sparkling room or walking down some street lined with festival lights, holding hands, matching pigtails, two cutie-chans in their natural environment.

“Oh, sorry. My bad,” she said, flapping her hand.

“No apology neccessary! Just let me walk through the festival with you!” he sang before he thought about it.

“Who said anything about a festival?” Nami said flatly.

She was right. No one had said anything about a festival and what was more, if he was going to start being reliable, he was going to start now. So, rearranging the vision. Usopp-chan without pigtails. Even if they were so… No. No pigtails. No holding hands. Well maybe just holding pinkies, other hands full of cotton candy while Sanji floated along behind them holding their prizes for them. Then they would look at him with soft lantern filled eyes and say: ‘thank you, Sanji-kun’. No, no, no! Okay. He could do this. No holding hands. Though the looks they gave him when he mentally parted him… They wanted to be together. They were nakama! How could he ever—

“Usopp is a man,” Nami said.

That did it. The mental image was replaced with a small pop and Usopp chopped his hand through the air and asked Sanji in a flat voice just what was he thinking?

Sanji began to walk normally again, taking the cigarette from his lips to blow a stream of smoke at the sky. Anyway, the thought of normal Usopp holding pinkies with Nami and grinning with her as they walked down the street was— still kind of annoyingly adorable. Shitty sniper.

“Anyway, the sooner we find the cure the sooner we can leave,” Nami was saying. “These islands are way too expensive.” She was so cute when she was complaining about money. She was so cute when she was doing anything. But there was nothing to say to that so Sanji just agreed with her silently and enjoyed the moment. After all, there was nothing to be worried about. Those idiots would be back to normal by dinnertime and all that would be left for him would be pretty little memories.

The old lady’s house was outside of the town, at the bottom of a little valley cut by a stream. Green plants ran a riot around her house, ropes of ivy almost covering it completely, and beside her house was a greenhouse bursting at the seem with more plants,some of which looked like berry bushes.

“It looks good, doesn’t it?” Nami said, shielding her eyes against the glare. Sanji nodded. If there was a cure it would be down there. Had better be down there. _Please_ let it be down there. He followed Nami down the gently sloping hill and saw the old lady, barely waist high, working in a large garden that sloped up the hill.

“Is that who we’re looking for?” Nami whispered, pointing.

“I think so. He just said it was an old lady.”

Nami nodded and together they approached the woman, stopping at the edge of the turned earth

“Excuse me,” Nami said. “Are you the woman who knows about berries?”

“No,” the old lady said, rubbing at her hooky nose before snipping a tomato off the vine. Nami looked at Sanji who shrugged. Maybe the shopkeep had someone else, but this seemed to be the right house.

“Do you know—”

“I’m the _old_ woman who knows about berries,” she said, standing, her knees creaking. “Goodbye,” she said, and began to shuffle toward the house.

“Wait,” Nami said. “I need to ask a question.”

“About what?”

“About berries,” Nami said, and Sanji saw a little tic of irritation appear on Nami’s fist.

“I don’t like ‘em.”

“I didn’t ask that!”

Perhaps he should take care of this. Nami-swan needed to see how cool and collected he could be. And, after all, if he couldn’t charm an answer out of an old lady, who could he charm. With a debonair smile Sanji picked his way over to her, careful not to step on anything, and showed her the picture.

“What we’re asking is, have you seen this?”

“Of course I have,” the old lady said and Sanji’s heart lifted.

“Do you—”

“It’s parchment, isn’t it?”

“I’m talking about the picture.”

“A puffer fish?”

“A berry!”

“Hmm.” The old lady snatched the paper from him and peered at it. Sanji straightened and rubbed the back of his head. How was it they kept running into these kind of weird people? She was silent for a long moment. She rubbed her nose. Sanji tried to stay patient and glanced at Nami, whose arms were folded and a worried look back in her face. He wanted to tell her not to worry. Even if this lady didn’t know, there were plenty of other people in town who might.

“Come,” the old woman said, slapping the paper back to his chest and shuffling into her house. Sanji caught the paper before it could hit the ground and hurried after her, barely missing a row of rock baby cabbages as he went. He held the door open for Nami and then followed in after her, ducking under the low door. The inside of the cottage was musty and filled with strings of herbs hanging from the rafters and glass bottles stuffed on shelves. Some of the stuff he recognized, though most he didn’t and all of it was threatening to make him sneeze. The old lady cleared some clinging vines away and grabbed at a book that seemed almost as big as she was. Sanji began to offer his help but before he could so much as twitch a finger, she lifted the book as if it weighed nothing at all and plopped it on the table which shuddered..

Sanji watched as she flipped through the book. Having nothing else to do. Nothing to offer. Just watching and waiting, his neck cramping as he had to bend so he wouldn’t scrape it on the ceiling. She turned the pages slowly, licking her fingers before each turn. The sound was starting to rasp in his ears. If this were a little old man he’d be more inclined to tell her to hurry up. But there was no hurry. It would be fine. They would find the cure. They were so close. It was all a matter of waiting and patience and could she turn those pages any slower?

“Oh, there it is,” the old lady said, and Sanji leaned to peer over her small shoulder. He looked frantic—in a hurried pace at the pages but saw nothing about any kind of berries. This seemed to be referring to various kinds of roots.

“Where?” Sanji asked, sure he was missing something. Usopp wouldn’t mistake a berry for a root and neither would Zoro, or at least Sanji hoped not. The old lady held up a small sheet of paper between two fingers and Sanji took it between fingers that weren’t shaking, no, just sort of vibrating lightly. He read it…and was fairly sure his eye twitched.

“What is it? What does it say?” Nami asked, crowding to his shoulder. Sanji couldn’t speak so she read it herself. “Flour, milk, eggs, _this is a shopping list!_ ”

“I never said it wasn’t.”

“Are you playing with us or what?!” Nami snapped, both hands clenched into fists.

“Have patience. I’m an old lady you know, these things take time.”

More page turning. Slow and agonizing as if each page weighed a hundred pounds. He watched until he couldn’t any more and then turned away. Looking at the herbs. Why was he letting this get to him? They would have the answer or they wouldn’t. He clenched his fist in his pocket.

“The Fugu Berry,” the old lady said and Sanji looked at the page to see a berry similar to the drawing. “Used by ancient priests to become closer to the goddess.”

“By turning them into women?” Nami asked and the old lady nodded.

“Just so. If you’re looking for it, you’re out to have a hard time. It’s only found on a few islands in this archipelago and in isolated patches. Your chances are one in a million.”

“Of course they are,” Nami said blandly, shoulders slumping and Sanji knew just how she felt. Luffy was just naturally drawn to that kind of luck.

“So how do you cure it?” Sanji asked.

“You don’t.”

It took him a moment to hear what she’d said. Another moment to get it. Wait… That couldn’t be right.

“Wait a second,” Nami said. “Are you saying there’s no way you can reverse the effects? Isn’t there _any_ thing we can do?”

“Make your peace with it?” the old lady said, shutting the book with a loud thump that made Sanji start.

“That can’t be right,” Sanji said. “There has to be some way—” He stopped as the old lady sent him a narrow eyed look that cut right through him.

“I’ve been researching plants longer than you’ve been alive and this book hasn’t let me down once. You want to debate it, go and ask someone else.”

He wanted to demand she look again. He wanted to look through the book himself for an answer. Any answer. Not ‘no’. They’d gotten this far without a no. Hell, they’d just gotten back from an island that wasn’t even supposed to exist outside of legend. It couldn’t be “no cure”. This couldn’t be the only answer. He refused to accept it.

“That can’t be the only answer,” Nami said, her voice hard. “There has to be something— Can I look at your book?”

“Help yourself,” the old lady said, moving away from the table. “Read to your heart’s content but you won’t find the answer you want.”

Nami flipped open the book and began to read, hunched over. He watched her fingers skim the page, waiting for any sign of hope. Any answer that they might get. Even the smallest thing. Even the smallest opening and they would be able to kick the door open the rest of the way for a solution. It had to be there. After a few minutes she flipped another page, the text small and crabbed, broken up only occasionally with the delicate picture of a flower or leaf. The minutes slipped by. After about twenty minutes had passed he realized she truly intended to read it all and there was a lot of book left to go.

“Nami-san—” he started, but she held up a hand to silence him. The old lady cleared her throat and Sanji saw she was nudging a chair pointedly with her foot. Of course. Sanji moved the chair closer.

“At least sit down,” he murmured. She sat, and then hunched over, one hand bracing her head while she started on a new page. He watched her. Her tense shoulders. He wanted to— to just— do something. But there was shit he could do, except stand there and watch and hope—even if the last grain of hope was slowly being squeezed from him. Could there even really be a solution?

“Come on, young man,” the old lady said, patting his leg. “Help me make some tea. I’m sure she’ll holler when she needs you.”

“Ah, yeah sure.” Tea. That was the solution. He could make her tea. And it would be better on his hands and his cigarette packs if he had something else to do with them. He followed the old lady into a small kitchen, there were fewer herbs here but all of which he recognized. He spotted a little red kettle sitting on a draining board and despite what she’d said, felt compelled to ask:

“May I?”

“Depends. Do you know your way around a kitchen?”

“I’m a cook.”

“Help yourself, then,” the old lady said, settling in a nearby chair, a pipe appearing in her fingers. “My name is Eba, by the way, not that you asked.”

“My apologies, Eba-san,” Sanji said, bowing slightly and rubbing the back of his head. “It’s been a long day.”

“I imagine so. And you are?”

“Sanji,” he said. “And the lady in there is Nami.” As he spoke he took the kettle and set it in the sink. It was an old fashioned pump kind where the water probably came from a well that tapped into the stream outside. He rolled up his sleeves and began to pump, the cool clear water catching the light as it dashed into the kettle.

“Lady, huh? I was expecting she’d started off something different judging by your reactions,” Eba-san said. Sanji took the kettle and put it on the stove, lighting it with one of his own matches.

“No, she has always been a lady.” And what a lady. “It’s the rest of our nakama…” he said, shaking out the match and tossing it away. Then he shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. Nothing to do now but wait for the water to boil.

“I see. That is a problem.”

She had no idea. None. But there was a solution. Nami would find it in that big tome. He had faith in her. “There’s a recipe for Sweetheart Tarts on the counter if you want to make ‘em,” Eba-san said, after a moment, pointing with her pipe. He did. He didn’t care what was in them or what they entailed. Just so long as it was _something._

“Ah, thanks,” he said, picking up the paper. It looked finicky and somewhat time consuming. Perfect. He went to wash his hands at the sink and cursed at the bandages that were wrapped around them. Most of it he could do but there was no way he could knead the dough efficiently.

“I’ll need a little help,” he said, inwardly cringing at having to ask.

“So I gathered. But don’t fret. I’ve got you covered,” she said with a elegant wave of her pipe. Sanji couldn’t help but grin a little.

“You’re a nice lady, Eba-san.”

“I’m a bored lady, you mean. Flour’s just over your head there. No, the only time I ever get company is for gardening tips. Course I used to get a lot more interesting people before those dratted Merchant Pirates moved in.”

“Merchant Pirates?” Sanji paused with the flour bag in hand and turned to look at her. “Do you think they might have a cure?” Because it seemed like the kind of thing Merchant Pirates would hoard. Well—not really but it was a treasure, wasn’t it? Sort of.

“No, I don’t think so. Because there isn’t one. Stop trying to cheat your way out of fate, boy. Fate doesn’t like it.”

But it wasn’t their fate. It couldn’t be their fate. Luffy was Luffy and would find a way around being a girl and Zoro would adjust eventually, Sanji was sure, but Usopp… Usopp had been counting on this. They couldn’t just accept this fate and let it go. They defied fate, didn’t they? Hadn’t they always?

“Though I tell you one thing,” Eba-san said as Sanji cracked eggs into an earthenware bowl to mix the dough. “I’m half tempted to send you after those Merchant jerks anyway. They do nothing but disrupt trade and rob temples. These islands used to have a rich cultural heritage—but not too much anymore, I’m afraid.”

“We’ve met them and beat them.” Though not very thoroughly, he had to admit. Or rather, looking back it hadn’t been much of a fight. Or maybe it was just because he’d been distracted.

“I’m guessing it was just one ship,” she said, and at Sanji’s nod continued. “I’ve gotta say, I’m impressed but there is a small fleet to deal with, not to mention the one who calls himself Admiral Mardus. He’s the worst of the lot. The things he does… and you don’t want to be a woman around any of them, I’ll tell you that.”

Sanji stood back from the counter and lit a cigarette. He smoked it as he tried not to think about that. Tried not to even imagine what she could mean. Don’t want to be a woman… Well women were all he had now and what if— If any of them— But no, Nami would find a solution. He was making a problem that wasn’t there. And even if this man was an utter asshole to women, he had better hope Sanji never crossed paths with him.

“But don’t worry, lad,” Eba-san said, her tone softer. “I know it may seem difficult for you, but being a woman is not all that bad. It’s something to get used to, just like anything else.”

“They’re not going to get used to it,” Sanji said, stepping back and making room for Eba-san. She stepped up on a small stool and took the dough from the bowl.

“Well you can dream all you like but dreams are just that,” she said, slapping the dough on the counter and beginning to knead it with sure, quick fingers. “At any rate I admire your spirit, but I’ve always been a sucker for lost causes.”

It wasn’t lost. He wouldn’t let it be. Nami wouldn’t let it be. And sure as hell Luffy wouldn’t let it be. They would all power through this somehow. Everything would get back to normal somehow. They just had to keep trying.


	6. Nightfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The search continues into the evening and Sanji can't help but worry, especially when the horrid truth of the Merchant Pirates begins to be revealed.

Sanji chopped up cucumbers for the salad, keeping a beady eye on the apricot tree outside. Male or female, Luffy could be a sneaky little bastard when he wanted to be—especially when hungry. Especially with Usopp. No, scratch that, Luffy was only a sneaky little bastard when Usopp was around which made both of them extra sneaky. And Chopper, of course, was easily pulled to into their pace. So far, though, the coast had been clear. Sanji slid the cucumber slices into the salad bowl and then started on another, watching, watching… and then was finally rewarded with a trio of burlap sacks sneaking up to the tree. Honestly, did they think he was that blind? Even if he did fall Usopp and Luffy’s trick, Chopper was hopping about in his, exposed completely, like it was a potato sack race. Sanji threw open the window.

“Stay away from that tree! Dinner is almost ready!”

The burlap sacks paused. Chopper turned to look at him, sweat beading his fur, gripping the sack between his hooves and staying utterly still as if he really thought he was hiding.

“Do you think he knows its us?” Luffy said.

“Of course I know its you!” Sanji snapped.

“Hmm, it seems my clever plan was ruined,” Usopp-ch… Usopp said. In her— his— sweet little voice. Sanji gripped the knife handle. Usopp stood, throwing off the burlap sack, and shaking her head as if to rid it of the tiny leaves that were stuck in it. Sanji wanted to—to just reach out-- No he didn’t. He wanted to stay here and finish this damn salad. Usopp put her— his hands on his well formed hips and said:

“But, little do you know, there is a Phase Two!”

“Alright! Phase Two!” Luffy said, throwing off her burlap sack in a burst of healthy energy with just the hint of…just the hint of Luffy and Usopp being sneaky and when they were male again he was going to—

“What’s Phase Two?” Chopper asked.

“I’m glad you asked,” Usopp said, pointing at Chopper with his usual stupid heroic expression which was not cute at all. “Phase Two is the simple yet tricky maneuver of grab and dash!”

“Don’t even think about it,” Sanji said roughly. Could he close his eyes and do this? No if he did they would steal right from the tree while pretending they weren’t.

“But I’m hungryy,” Luffy said, putting a hand to her flat stomach and giving Sanji a little frown.

“You just _had_ onigiri,” Sanji said. Don’t look at her face. Her shoulder then. So small and— No. Her hair. Yes. Hair. It was just regular Luffy hair and not way too damn charming on that pouty face.

“Can’t I just have one?” Luffy asked. Sanji wanted to say yes. But it wasn’t his tree and he reminded himself that Luffy wouldn’t stop at just one or he would have just one armful or, even worse, one mouthful . So he could resist. He had to resist.

“No, no, no, you can’t ask like that,” Usopp said and patted Luffy’s shoulder with the back of her hand. Sanji felt a coil of relief. “You have to ask like _this_.”

Relief gone.

Especially since Usopp was arching back, just a little, looking at him over her shoulder while putting her hands demurely in front of her, pushing her…making sure that… he could see… despite her wearing his too big shirt which somehow made it worse and saying in a soft whispering way:

“Please, Sanji-kun?”

“Anything you want!” the words were out of him. He couldn’t stop them. He could barely stop jumping out the window to join them. It wasn’t fair.

“Back off!” Eba-san snarled from out of his view. The the three shrieked, their eyes popping, and scattered as the little old lady dashed at them with a hoe, swinging it back and forth like a weapon.

“Kyaa! Abort! Abort!” Usopp was screaming, hands up in the air as she ran around in panic.

“Waah! Crazy Fruit Lady!” Luffy yelped, bouncing away from a particularly vicious swing. Chopper just screamed and hopped around in the burlap sack as if he was too startled to even think about letting it go.

“Go pick some watermelons if you’re bored!” Eba-san snapped at them. “And you!” she leveled the hoe in Sanji’s direction. “Stop being so unreliable!”

“Sorry,” Sanji said, bowing his head and moving back to the salad. Damn that Usopp. That had been such a adorably devious trick. Sanji was going to mop the deck with him when he turned back into a guy. If he turned back into a guy. Which, of course he would, because that was just how it happened. At least, right now, he could be mostly grateful that Zoro wasn’t here to provide an additional distraction. That idiot had decided to guard the Merry. Though Chopper had said he’d been training, like he’d been doing since this morning, which meant at the end of the day Zoro’s appetite would come close to almost rivaling Luffy’s. Sanji wasn’t too worried, though. The swordsman was smart enough to take the edge off of his own hunger without destroying the kitchen in the process. Sanji was more worried about his sake stores. If that idiot even thought of getting into those, woman or no, Sanji would go up to him and… and… probably forgive him everything while wishing he didn’t have to. Those bastards better turn back soon or Nami was going to end up kicking _his_ ass. But what an ass kicking that would be~

No, no he wasn’t going to even start down that road. He chopped up the other cucumber, pushed it in the salad, then added a light raspberry vinaigrette for just a touch of tang. He tossed it, making sure everything was well mixed before picking up the wooden bowl and moving to the front door. Robin was reading now, tucking a strand of hair over her ear as she propped up the book with extra hands blossomed from the table. The lamp that Eba-san had provided casting a warm glow on her face and the yellowed pages of the book. Nami was resting with her cheek on the heel of her hand and looking down, though she didn’t appear to be reading at all— as if the weight was getting to her. The reality… but not yet. He wouldn’t give up yet. Not when they were trying so hard.

“Dinner is ready,” he said.

“Thanks, Sanji-kun,” Nami said in a tired voice. “We’ll be out in a bit.”

He nodded. What else could he do? And pushed out the door. It was getting dark. The sun had just about set and the sky was smudged with twilight, with a few stars high overhead. A wind whispered through the trees of the mangrove forest nearby and then curled down to sweep through the valley, the leaves of the plants rustling together in a chorus of soft noise.

“I love it when they talk to each other,” Eba-san said, coming to stand beside him and planting the butt of the hoe decisively into the ground. “They’re a lively bunch, aren’t they?” And she gestured to where Usopp, Luffy and Chopper were rolling down the hill, as if trying to beat the watermelon that was rolling just ahead of them. Usopp reached the bottom first and raised her fists in triumph only to be promptly knocked over by Chopper who couldn’t seem to stop and then rolled over by Luffy.

“I win!” Luffy said, bounding to her feet.

“No, you don’t!” Usopp said, sitting up soon after. “Think about it, if you’d won, I wouldn’t be here for you to roll over!”

“I’m dizzy,” Chopper said, wobbling about before finally falling onto the watermelon. Luffy pouted, pushing her lips out.

“That’s not fair, you cheated again.”

“How could I cheat?!"

“You’re rounder than I am,” Luffy said, poking her breast. Usopp squeaked and Sanji clutched the bowl.

“Don’t touch that! And it doesn’t count! And it doesn’t even make sense!”

“Well a bigger bust size does give you more weight,” Chopper said, sitting upright on the watermelon.

“Ehh? Really? Wow I bet Zoro would be _really_ good at this then,” Luffy said. Sanji tried not to imagine it. Ended up imagining it. Rolling down the hill. All soft. Or just  all of them lying at the bottom, faintly dizzy, bits of grass resting just lightly here and there like a garnish and in soft voices saying:

“Snap out of it!” There was a metallic clang in his ears as if someone had just hit him on the head with a hoe which was probably just what had happened. “No wonder you want a cure so badly,” Eba-san muttered as Sanji rubbed at the throbbing knot on the back of his head. There was nothing really he could say to that except to agree. Yes. They needed a cure. Badly. Because he was even starting to get a little used to it and that was somehow worse.

He trudged up to the picnic blanket, and set the bowl down. It would be a safe out there for now. Luffy wouldn’t touch the salad, at least not until she’d consumed everything else, and while Usopp might steal a nibble, it wasn’t as if Sanji would come out again and find her choking on the damn bowl. He lit a cigarette and took a draw and then pointed at Chopper.

“Oi, you, help me with the rest of it.”

“Okay,” Chopper said, rolling to his feet and nearly tripping over the watermelon.

“Ahh, you know, I want to be a man again, of course, but this has its perks,” Usopp said, flopping herself on the blanket. Sanji tried to level a somewhat glare at her but she just fluttered her eyelashes at him and said: “Get me a big glass of lemonade, Sanji-kun?” Why that—pretty—but no good— but wonderful, cutie-chan— Usopp!

“Of course!” because how could he not? D…damnit.

“And a big glass of meat, too!” Luffy said, punching her fist in the air.

“Didn’t you promise Nami not to do that?” Usopp asked.

“Oh right,” Luffy said. “Meat without the glass then!”

“Oi oi, that doesn’t make it any better.”

Sanji walked away before Luffy could ask for a seven course dinner.

“I don’t know why you always give in like that,” Chopper said, falling into step beside him.

“I’m a slave to love!” Sanji said. Unfortunately in this case. Still he managed to circumvent the problem by giving all the dishes to Chopper to take out. Though the reindeer didn’t seem to mind the work, Sanji made a mental note to give Chopper a big treat after all this was over. He certainly deserved it. Sanji bought out the fish himself, though, casting a frown at Robin and Nami who didn’t seem likely to move any time soon. He thought of volunteering to read the book himself, but knew he wouldn’t have the patience for it. For now, it seemed, they didn’t need anything so he went out to serve his other ladies, and Eba-san and Chopper.

Dinner was only mildly chaotic by their standards. Eba-san fitting right into the flow of things without even seeming to try as she slapped away the occasional questing rubber hand. Though because it was a light fare and mostly vegetables, Luffy didn’t have as much of an incentive to get as much in her mouth as she could at once. Usopp was the real danger here, asking for refills or this or that in a honeyed voice that Sanji responded to without thinking— at least until Eba-san told her to knock it off and popped her on the head with the hoe. Since Eba-san was thankfully a lady herself, Sanji felt no compulsion to rush to Usopp’s aid, despite the lump throbbing on her head.

It didn’t help that he was otherwise distracted with worrying about Nami and Robin. He’d ended up bringing them their food inside though when he’d set the plates down, Nami had made no move toward it. Of course he couldn’t and wouldn’t force her to eat but—she was probably hungrier than any of them by now. Well he could bring them some watermelon slices at least, just to check and see if everything was alright. He stood, slices in hand, when Robin came out of the house. Sanji straightened. Had they—? But she just smiled at him and shook her head slightly. Not yet. Still looking.

“Oh Robin, you’re here?” Luffy said, or something like it as it was hard to tell exactly around her mouthful of watermelon.

“Mmhm. Navigator-chan and I are looking for a cure,” she said, taking the plates from Sanji. He tried not to frown too much. He’d wanted to be the one to deliver them~! But whatever Robin-chwan thought best.

“Hmph,” Eba-san said, shifting and Usopp glanced at her, eyes widening slightly. Shit. No, no, he wasn’t going to let Eba-san send Usopp into a panic. Not here. Not now. Not when they didn’t know for sure.

“Na, Usopp,” he said, purposefully not looking at her as he put a hearty amount of leftovers on a plate and wrapped it up with a cloth napkin. “Why don’t you and Chopper bring this back to Zoro?”

“I think I’d rather stay here,” Usopp said and then: “Eba-san, do you—”

“Please,” Sanji said, grinding the cigarette between his teeth.

“Can’t I stay, Sanji-kun?” Usopp said in the honey-chan voice. Not the honey-chan voice. He couldn’t— Damnit, he was trying to make this better.

“Don’t you think that’s being a little unfair, Longnose-chan?” Robin said.

“Yeah, don’t pick on him,” Luffy added. “It’s not fair.” Said the one who asked for meat in a glass. But Luffy, at least, was thickheaded enough to honestly not remember.

“F…fine,” Usopp said, bounding to her feet and grabbing the makeshift bento. “But I’ll be back soon. C’omon, Chopper.”

“O…okay,” Chopper said, taking just a moment to frown at his half eaten apricot cobbler before hurrying after Usopp. A big treat, Sanji decided. Maybe even a treat for several days.

“Well then,” Robin said with a smile, then she nodded to them and turned back toward the house. Sanji slumped back, resting one hand on the ground while holding his cigarette with the other, resting his thumb lightly against his temple. Usopp wouldn’t be gone forever, especially if she really wanted to know. Maybe he could convince Eba-san not to say anything.

“Eba-san—” he started.

“Who are you, anyway, old fruit lady?” Luffy cut in, starting on another watermelon slice.

“Me? I’m Eba the Herbalist, formerly first mate of the Green Tree Pirates.”

“Eh? You were a pirate?” Luffy said, sitting up and giving Eba-san her full attention—Luffy was expecting a story, Sanji knew, and he had to try to convince Eba-san not to say anything before she went into it. Who knew how long she could go? Eba-san nodded and lit her pipe.

“Eb—” Sanji started.

“We were the horticultural terrors of the archipelago! We’d sneak into farms in the night and secretly add fertilizer to make the plants grow to twice their normal height! No specimen was safe from cataloging! No moss unscraped! No tree uninspected!”

“Heeeh?That sounds amazing!” Luffy said, probably responding more to her enthusiasm than anything.

“Eba—”

“We also wrestled bears,” she said. Oh come _on._

“Whaat? Really? You’re scary enough to wrestle a bear!”

“Well they were very small.”

“Oh.”

“But they could still break a rock by cracking it on their heads.”

“That’s so cool! I wanna meet one!”

“You can’t. They’re all extinct now.”

“I don’t care if they stink!”

“They’re dead in other words.”

“Oh,” Luffy said, settling back down, her face gloomy. Sanji wanted to— but there was no time for that. He had to ask her not to--

“It sounded like it was a lot of fun,” Luffy said.

“Damnit Luffy!” Sanji snapped. He was trying to do something here. Why was everything—

“It was,” Eba-san said, and a change came over her face. He could tell even in the growing darkness. There were memories there, and unpleasant ones. And uninterruptible ones at that. He sighed. Why did this always happen to him? “But that’s over now.”

“Why? Are you too old?” Luffy asked.

“I’m not that old,” she snapped, then in a softer tone. “But even if I was, age couldn’t part me from my ladies. I’d sail with them until I keeled over if I could.”

“So go do it!”

“They’re extinct now, too,” she said, quietly but with a tiny smile. Sanji raised his head to the stars and let out a puff of smoke. Pieces were starting to come together and he wondered if he was wrong about it. He hoped he was wrong about it but he didn’t know—and in the end it didn’t matter. Gone was gone. The thought of her being alone out here. To have had nakama that she would sail to the end for. It was like she was hungry for company. Interesting company. Company that would remind her of the sea and the tilt of the waves and laughing voices that were probably only echoed memories now.

“Old Fruit Lady…” Luffy said in a concerned tone. She was thinking of it, too. Being alone. Nakama gone. Sanji glanced at Luffy’s profile. Even as she was now. Even as a woman. There was still so much familiar about her. So much that was Luffy about her and he was suddenly grateful she was there in any form.

“Oh, don’t use that concerned tone with me,” Eba-san said, waving her hand, her voice going rough. “It was some time ago and I’ve long dealt with it. But I’ll tell you this straight out.” And she pointed the pipe at Luffy. “Get out of here. Get away from these islands before you run into Mardus. We were a strong bunch but he took us one by one, under false sails and false promises. And he’ll take you, too.”

So it was what he’d thought. Sanji clenched his free hand into the blanket. Mardus… He remembered Eba-san hinting about what he might do to women…What he probably _had_ done to women…. That _bastard_.

“If I was strong enough… If I could… bad knees or not, I’d go over there and kick him in the face,” Eba-san said, her voice breaking somewhat near the end. Sanji pretended he didn’t notice. But he wanted to— he wanted to find that bastard himself. Take care of him. Kick him down to size for— for doing such awful things.

“Okay!” Luffy said, slapping both hands on her knees. “I’ll do it!”

“Do what?” Eba-san said.

“Go kick Marvin in the face!” Luffy said. Yes. They should go take that bastard down.

“Weren’t you listening?” Eba-san said, slapping her hand on the blanket. “He’s too strong for you! I know you were a man once but you have to think like a woman now!”

“No, I don’t,” Luffy said. “And no he’s not. And I want to see some of those bears.”

“They’re exctinct, I said!”

“Maybe I’ll find one on accident.”

“That’s not the way extinct works!”

“Don’t bother trying to explain anything to Luffy,” Nami said and Sanji startled, he didn’t even hear her come up. He made to rise but the look on her face kept him pinned. Broken. Tired. He knew the answer. What the answer _couldn’t_ be. In the house he saw Robin putting away the book, snapping it shut with a sinking finality before blowing out the lantern and making her way up the hill. No. Damnit. It couldn’t turn out like this!

“Don’t look so sad, Nami,” Luffy said. “We’re going to go fight some bears.”

“That’s nice,” Nami said, folding her hands on her lap. She really was bad off. If only he could do something instead of just sitting here watching her. “Listen, Luffy, I looked the whole day… but… but there’s no cure.”

“No cure for what?” Luffy asked and woman now or not, Sanji had half a mind to kick him in the head.

“That!” Nami said, gesturing to his chest. Luffy looked down.

“Watermelons?”

“Your woman…ness, Luffy! You’re going to stay like that!”

“Whaaat? I don’t want to. Fix it, Nami,” Luffy whined.

“I can’t! That’s what no cure means!” Poor Nami. She had his permission to use excessive violence on Luffy at any time as far as Sanji was concerned. Why did he always have to be such an idiot no matter what body he was in?

“Really?” Luffy asked. Nami sighed and rested her forehead in her hands.

“Yes, really. You and Usopp and Zoro are stuck like that.”

“Oh.” Silence. Like a weight. Like fate. So they were all women now. No big deal right? His hand shook a little as he relit his cigarette.

“I’m sorry that it has to be this way,” Eba-san said into the stillness. “But you’ll get used to it soon enough.” Get used to it maybe. But everything would definitely change. And what about Usopp? She was not going to take this well. But…but she would have to take it, wouldn’t she? He stared at Luffy, waiting for some kind of denial. Some kind of determination to change this fate no matter what anyone said.

“Okay,” Luffy said, finishing off the watermelon slice in a single bite and taking out the rind. “So Old Fruit Lady, how do we find this Marvin guy?”

“Marvin guy?” Nami asked.

“Are you seriously still planning to fight him? Even after knowing all that?” Eba-san asked, astonished.

“Who are we fighting?” Nami said in that pleasant tone that had doom hiding under every syllable.

“The Marvin guy,” Luffy said. “He has bears and he killed the Old Fruit Lady’s nakama and I don’t like him so I’m gong to go kick him in the face.”

“Luffy, can’t you be serious for once?” Nami said. “We can’t just go around fighting whoever we want now.”

“Why not?”

“Well for one thing, Zoro can barely even fight.”

“He’ll learn.”

“And Usopp _won’t_ even fight,” Nami said and Sanji winced. She’d noticed that, had she?

“He will. And anyway, I still want to kick the Marvin guy.”

Nami paused at that and then turned toward Sanji, grabbing onto his collar lightly.

“Sanji-kun, you knew this was coming. How could you let this happen?” her fingers tightened and Sanji had the feeling he’d enjoy this more if he wasn’t afraid for his soul. “How could you be pulled into his pace?” He hadn’t meant to — but he also agreed with Luffy in a way. If anyone was going to fight this Marv— Mardus guy, it would be them. And Luffy had already said he would so there was no backing out now.

“You really don’t have to do this,” Eba-san said. “You don’t owe me anything.”

“I don’t care about that. I just don’t like him,” Luffy said.

“But, Luffy—” Nami started.

“Don’t worry so much, Nami. Even if I’m a girl now I’m still me, and I’m still going to fight the guys I want to fight.”

Which, didn’t make a whole lot of sense comfort wise, but Sanji felt some of the pressure between his shoulders ease anyway. Luffy was Luffy. Luffy was always Luffy. Man or woman he’d follow her right up to the Marine headquarters if she wanted him to. Robin was regarding Luffy with a strange half-smile, as if still trying to figure out what she was looking at. Nami meanwhile, had slumped, her head down, her hands between her knees. Finally she sighed and straightened.

“Okay, but his face better be worth kicking for all the trouble we’re going through,” she said. Luffy gave her a big grin which Sanji couldn’t help but grin back at.

“It is,” Luffy said. “He has bears.”

“Are you really going to fight him?” Eba-san said. “Really as you are now?”

“Yep,” Nami said, with a smile of her own. “It sounds crazy but that’s just how we are.”

“Especially Nami,” Luffy said with a grin and Nami popped her on the head.

“You’re the craziest one of us all!”

“I wonder if the others will be so accepting,” Robin said, it was the first time she’d spoken but she sounded faintly amused rather than worried. Of course Robin-chwan never seemed to be the kind of woman to worry much about anything. But she had a point. Usopp once again clouded his mind. She wasn’t going to like this one bit… And who would be the one to tell her?

“It’ll be fine,” Luffy said, standing up and dusting off her pants before pulling her hat on and punching the air. “Now pack up the leftovers and let’s go!”

“Wait a second, Luffy, I haven’t even found out where to go yet,” Nami said.

“You’re all crazy,” Eba-san said, but she was smiling, too, so he tried not to notice the tears that ran down her face. “I hope you can find a miracle.”

“Maybe we will and maybe we won’t,” Sanji said, tucking a hand in his pocket and standing, the cigarette smoking between his fingers. “But we’ll definitely kick Mardus in the face.”

“Let’s gooo!” Luffy roared, both fists in the air.

“I said wait!”

Sanji looked out over the house and the stream to where he could faintly see the gleam of the ocean. They would be fine. It would be fine. Women or men, Mugiwara were Mugiwara.


	7. Stormfront

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth sinks in and now they have to face it. And with a new enemy on the horizon, will the truth be too hard to swallow? Or will Luffy make his own way?

“Now pay attention,” Eba-san was saying, light from the open doorway streaming out onto the dark earth of the garden. The ladies—or most of the ladies, were clustered inside, bent over an old map. Sanji stood just outside and smoked, hands in his pockets. A bag of fresh vegetables was next to him and a little further away, Luffy was sitting on a bag of watermelons and obviously impatient to get going by the way she was rolling back and forth on them, even though her gaze was fixed to the stars. And she was a girl now. A girl now for good. He still couldn’t wrap his head around it. He looked away and focused on the crest of the hill where Usopp had yet to return. He tried not to worry. It could mean something or nothing at all. Anyway Chopper was with her and he hadn’t heard a scream. No news was good news, he guessed. Except in this case they had very bad news. But there was shit he could do about it.

“And the currents are reliable?” Nami asked, faint surprise in her voice.

“Crazy, isn’t it?” Eba-san said. “Even unreliability is unreliable in the Grand Line. But once you leave the confines of the archipelago the currents go willy-nilly so don’t think you can rely on them.”

“Of course not.”

“Now if you keep this peak here on your starboard side…”

Sanji tuned the details out as he heard a noise. Was that a scream? Or was it a bird? A bird. He heard the rustle of leaves. The burst of wings and then silence. Usopp was fine. He’d probably gotten held up somewhere. _She’d_ probably gotten held up somewhere. Somehow. Or was he just thinking that because he didn’t want to go find her. To go have to tell her the truth. Damnit, hadn’t he already decided that it would be okay?

“You’re worried,” Luffy said and Sanji blinked at him surprised. At _her_ surprised. He wasn’t even sure any more. In either case, she wasn’t even looking at him but still at the sky, her hat resting against her back. “I guess I am too, a little.” And she rolled back and forth, pressing her sandals against the ground and looking down to frown at them. “It’s not what I expected.”

“It’s not what any of us expected,” Sanji said, sitting on the grass beside her. In the darkness it was like Luffy hadn’t changed at all. If he squinted he could pretend she— he hadn’t. Sure the shoulders were smaller and the legs more shapely and there was that very nice little— but that didn’t matter. Luffy was Luffy. Right? He wanted to reassure her, comfort her somehow, but nothing came to mind.

“It’s going to be okay. I’m still strong. I can stamp anyone I want to.” She said this matter-of-fact as if she was comforting _him_. “But it’s weird. People look at me different. They act different.” She folded her arms behind her head. “Is being a girl really so different from being a boy?”

Of course it was. At least for a man. He was sure even Zoro felt this way, though it was hard to tell what that idiot was thinking usually outside of swords and booze and training. At least he knew Usopp had a healthy appreciation for the female form. But Luffy was, as always, so far in a class by himself that no one could quite figure out what he was.

“Women are soft and pretty.” For the most part. Sanji wanted to go on but stopped himself from waxing into too much detail. “Most men feel obligated to protect them.” Because even if they could fight didn’t mean they should and that smooth skin should be as unmarred by battle as possible, so that those lovely eyes could always be smiling. And then maybe one day those narrow elegant hands would turn gracefully upward and—

“Like you protected Zoro,” Luffy said, stabbing Sanji’s musing effectively though the heart. Because he didn’t want to see Zoro’s big stupid hands going anywhere near him like that. Except they weren’t as big now.

“Something like that.” Because when he thought about it, he wasn’t entirely sure. Yes, Zoro was a woman and he’d gone to protect her but she’d also been—different—and she’d been losing and not because she lacked the skill but the difference in brute strength alone. She didn’t fight like Zoro. Not exactly.

“You’d get tired if you had to protect us all now,” Luffy said, as if she was speaking to herself. “But there’s no cure… Aah this is annoying, I don’t want to be protected.” She rolled back, the watermelons shifting with her until she was lying on top of them, left foot propped on her right knee.

“I’ll try not to,” Sanji said, focusing on her feet and not any other part of her that would remind him that she was a she. Though she was probably damn cute all laid out like that and he had to check—against his better judgment— and damnit, she was—even though the situation was serious he couldn’t help but admire.

“Hmmm,” Luffy said, and when he snuck a peek at her face saw her frowning in that hard way that always seemed to him like she was trying to bully a solution from her rubbery brain.

“Damn,” Nami said and Sanji’s attention snapped back to her. She was standing in the doorway, merely a beautiful silhouette with curves he could hug forever. “A storm is coming. A big one, too.”

“How on earth can you tell?” Eba-san said from behind her.

“It’s a talent,” Nami said, and Sanji saw her take a rolled up paper, probably a map, and tuck it between those two wonderful soft mounds of heaven. _Ah_. To be that map.

“Anyway, we better get going. I don’t want a storm surge pushing us into those rocks.”

“Whatever you say, Nami-san,” Sanji said, bounding to his feet and scooping up the bag of cigarettes, pistachios and fresh vegetables that Eba-san and Nami had spent a good ten minutes haggling down a price for. He thought of picking up the watermelons, too, but Luffy had thrown them over her shoulder without any effort. Why was that so cute on her? It was just typical Luffy strength, he reminded himself. Nothing spunky about it at all.

“Be careful out there,” Eba-san said, standing in the doorway, the pipe between her fingers. “And thank you again.”

“It’s nothing,” Luffy said. “See you, Old Fruit Lady!” and started for the hill.

“Thank you for everything, Eba-san,” Sanji told her. For the book. For the tarts. For the picnic which they’d definitely needed, or at least he’d had. She shook her head.

“Don’t thank me, honey-boy. Just keep an eye on your ladies, because Mardus certainly will.”

“Of course,” Sanji said, managing to keep his face neutral and reminding himself that crushing the cigarette between his fingers would only waste the cigarette—and he would need them, now more than ever. But the thought of Mardus doing that to any woman— Let alone his crew— Which he would find a nasty surprise if he tried, Sanji reminded himself as he waved a farewell to Eba-san and started after his captain. Woman or not, Luffy never bent to anyone’s will. He couldn’t imagine anyone forcing Robin like that, either. At least not a two bit pirate from nowhere. Nami could take care of herself, though she’d be easily physically overpowered and Usopp— He lit another cigarette, only faintly aware he’d finished his last one already. Well he’d keep an eye on Nami and Usopp both. None of _his_ ladies would end up like that. Not as long as his heart still beat, and even if it stopped, he’d find a way to come back.

“Everything shifts with him, doesn’t it?” Robin said.

“Hm?” Sanji said, lifting his head. Robin didn’t explain and Sanji had the feeling that, even though she was walking beside him, she’d spoken to herself more than anything. Though as they crested the hill, he caught her meaning. Usually before any fight, Luffy was surging forward with a hot angry energy, wanting to go _now,_ kick ass _now._ It was easy to get caught up in that sort of pace and Sanji often did. But now everything felt slow. Determined, but plodding and maybe even somewhat resigned. It was the last that irked him. Or, rather, he wanted to be annoyed. If Luffy was a man Sanji _would_ be annoyed. He’d be demanding that their captain fix the dumbass situation he’d gotten them into—whether or not Luffy could wasn’t the point. But he— she looked too small to be annoyed at, and too cute with the messy waves of hair and bag of watermelons clutched in her small fist.

“We better hurry,” Nami said as a wind whipped up from behind, carrying with it the familiar heavy scent of rain, and he could feel the storm in his bones now. A sort of sixth sense of the sea—knowing when it was coming, knowing it was going to be big. He picked up his pace. By the time they’d reached the Going Merry it was already raining, fat warning drops that peppered the ground and his hair. Thunder rolled in the distance and if he looked over his shoulder, he could see it, the big black cloud, blotting out the stars and lugging itself across the island. Usopp-chan and Chopper were standing by the prow, Usopp-chan looking worried as they drew nearer, her fingers clutching the railing as the wind lifted her hair from her neck. Chopper brightened as he saw them and waved.

“So what’s—” Usopp-chan started.

“No time for that,” Nami said in a charming brusqueness as she hopped on board. “We have to move. Now.”

“Here, I’ll take that,” Sanji said to Luffy, taking the bag of watermelons from her. He’d need to at least secure everything in case they got hammered.

“Where’s Zoro?” he heard Nami say as he headed toward the galley.

“Sleeping somewhere,” Usopp-chan said. Of course he was. Idiot marimo. He wouldn’t sense the storm until they were being pelted with it. Well he’d just put this shit away and then have the pleasure of planting a shoe right upside that— Except that Zoro wasn’t the same Zoro he was used to, and if she had been asleep before, she wasn’t now. Instead she was leaning against the railing, arms folded under her breasts—and still managed to look distinctly uncomfortable which prevented Sanji from staring _too_ much. Zoro seemed to catch him staring anyway and looked at him, obvious challenge in the line of her shoulders, as if _daring_ him to say something. But of course he was too much of a gentleman to do so, not that he knew what the hell to say.

“Damn love cook,” she muttered, her arms dropping to her sides and her shoulders tense with something like frustration now. Sanji had the feeling he was letting her down. Knew he was letting her down and thought to say something derogatory except he couldn’t think of what to say. In either case she took her swords and walked away as Nami began shouting orders over the rising wind. Sanji hurried to secure what he could and then join the rest of his crew on deck.

For the next half hour or so it was hard to think about anything other than the driving rain and the howling wind. It was a battle of another kind as they moved across the rain slick deck to haul their ship into safer waters. There was a momentary but brief pinch of fear as they nearly lost a hammer. Sanji wasn’t sure which one but he heard Zoro’s shout of warning as he fought with the sails. But everyone survived, the same way they always did, a lot of work and an equal amount of downright damn miracle and soon they were anchored in deeper, calmer waters, the rush of the storm long past but the rain still hammering down as if had forgotten it was over.

Sanji made his way to the galley, lit a cigarette, and moved to the fridge to start some drinks. Warmed cider seemed like a good idea, even though it wasn’t all that cold outside, the rain made it seem so. For Zoro, he took the time to warm up some sake, though he doubted the swordsman really appreciated the effort—but even if he didn’t, Sanji did—because he took care of his crew, even the annoying green-haired ones. Or, more like the annoyed green-haired ones these days. Who would always be annoyed because Sanji couldn’t— Even if— even _when_ Sanji got used to the idea, he would never be able to—to treat anything like it used to be.

He tried to push those thoughts from his head as his nakama filtered in. It was a usual thing for them to gather like this after any adventure.Even for just a few moments. It was the way they reassured themselves that everyone was still there, still breathing, even if through several layers of bandages. The tone of said gathering usually depended on whether Luffy was feeling energized from a hard but well won fight, or tired and lethargic from the same. Though at the moment, it was a different mood all together…like the tension right before a big fight—or some kind of set back. Sanji served everyone their drinks, almost autopilot, though managed to set the warm bottle of sake in front of Zoro rather than pouring it for her. Then he sat on the bench next to Chopper and smoked, listening to the hush of the rain, the wash of waves against the hull. He could practically hear Luffy _think_ , Nami worry, Usopp-chan leaning on the edge of asking and not asking, clutching the wooden mug between her fingers, Chopper hesitating, Zoro quietly resigning hims—herself. Only Robin was unreadable, as always, watching, observing, but not, he thought, unconcerned.

“So,” Nami said, and if it was even possible for him to love her more he would have done so, a thousand times over. “If everything goes well, we should reach Catamora in four days.”

“Catamora?” Usopp asked.

“That’s where Marvin is?” Luffy said and Nami nodded.

“Who’s Marvin?” Chopper asked.

“This guy we’re going to fight because he hurt the Old Fruit Lady.”

“Old Fruit Lady?” Zoro asked.

“Setting that aside,” Usopp said before Luffy could explain. “Why are we fighting— no— before that— what are we doing for the cure?” And Sanji expected Luffy to say it. To say ‘there is no cure’, in that dropping-hammer not subtle at all way of his. To smash the wound wide open where it had been festering before. But Luffy just frowned, as if he wasn’t done thinking about it yet and Nami glowered at him as if she expected him to say it. Sanji swallowed. He shouldn’t make Nami say such a thing. He should be a man and tell Usopp himself. Say those words no matter how much they tasted like acid.

“There is no cure,” Nami said before he could even think to open his mouth. “That’s what Eba-san’s book said and we looked through the whole thing but there’s nothing…” Her voice was hard but it was a struggle and he could see it in her face and the tension that lined her whole body. He should have said something. He should have spoken first. Damnit, why hadn’t he? Another silence, broken only by Zoro’s sigh. Resigned sigh. Not looking at her, Sanji could be irritated. How dare that dumbass give in so easily? Be so complacent with it? He was a woman now, damnit! Everything had changed! Why the hell didn’t he care?!

“H…ha. Ha ha ha.” Usopp’s laugh, if it could even be called that, brought Sanji’s attention back to her. The knot growing in him coiled tighter. It _would_ be like this, wouldn’t it? It had to be like this.

“Tha…that’s funny, Nami,” Usopp said, her fingers jerking like she wanted to clench them into fists but wouldn’t because that would be the same as admitting the truth. “No cure. Good one. Haa. You surprised me.”

“It’s the truth,” Nami said, her voice harder now, but then Sanji could _see_ the effort she made when she tried to soften it and said: “I’m sorry, Usopp, but it’s not so bad—”

“Shut up! It’s not the truth!” Usopp said, slamming a hand on the table.

“I’m telling you, it is!” Nami snapped back.

“It can’t be! I can’t be stuck as a girl! I’m--” Usopp cut herself off. Hesitated and then said: “M-maybe the book was wrong. Yeah. That’s it. Maybe it was wrong. We’re not the kind to give up that easily right? Screw what the book says! We’ll be men again, right? We’ll find a way, won’t we?” Usopp was staring at Luffy as she spoke, wearing a smile that was almost painful. Sanji could practically hear her teeth clench, but he waited too, for Luffy to say something—anything. Just something to stand on.

“I don’t know,” Luffy said finally.

“What do you mean ‘you don’t know’?!” There was a sudden movement and Sanji glanced over to see that Usopp had stood, her hands clenched into fists. Then she sighed, as if forcing herself to relax. “Look, Luffy, this is serious. We’re not really girls, you know, but men. _Men._ ” She whapped the table with her palm as if emphasizing a point. “And we have to fight as _men._ Unless you think some things will miraculously grow back before you meet this guy,” she said, and there was a certain note in her voice as if she hoped this was the case.

“Well maybe it will, but we can still fight how we are now.”

“No, we can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Well— Because— _Obviously_ — Alright so maybe it’s okay for you, and in my real body, I’m practically unstoppable,” she said, jerking a thumb at herself. _More like indestructible,_ Sanji thought, but let it go. “But look at me! I feel like I’d blow away in a strong wind!”

Not that Sanji would let her. Not that anyone would let her. Even if Usopp was his rough, messy, man self, Sanji would catch him if he absolutely had no other choice.

“It’s not that bad,” Nami said, her voice a frustrated mix. But she made a flippant gesture with her hand as if she was brushing Usopp’s concerns away. “You fight from a distance, don’t you? And we have plenty of strong—” she stopped, her face seemed to close even more. “—people that will back you up.”

“That’s not the point,” Usopp said and she was tense again, her voice rising. And then Sanji understood what the point was. What the real point was beyond a fear of fighting in a weaker body than Usopp was used to. Maybe it was a point that Usopp couldn’t even say himself for all that it was precious to him. Sanji closed his eyes and relit the cigarette which had gone out.

“I…I just…” Usopp’s voice was strained, like it was going to crack, and she’d borne enough already. Usopp had borne enough already.

“It’s hard to become a brave man of the sea if you’re a woman, right?” Sanji said, opening his eyes to see Usopp looking down at her fists. He wished he could sweep it away. He wished he could take all their pain away. Mellori— Nakama shouldn’t have to go through such unbearable situations.

“Ah…yeah…” Usopp said. Zoro sighed.

“Even if that is the case,” she said. “If there’s no cure then it’s just something you’re going to have to work around.”

“How do you expect me to work around _this?_ ” Usopp said, gesturing to her breasts and Sanji tried not to look too eagerly in the direction, but her petite brown hands were framing them in such a lovely way and this was _not_ the time for it. He shifted his focus instead to the table, scarred from numerous fights as the crew defended their plates from their bottomless pit of a captain.

“A good bra would help,” Robin said, a smile in her voice and Sanji nearly choked on his own smoke. _Don’t picture it_ , he told himself. _Don’t_. A hint of all that lovely skin, bare except for a black lacy thing delicately covering—

“Oi, love cook, there’s nothing left to smoke,” Zoro said, and Sanji’s foot shifted to give him a good kick in the shin except he checked himself instinctively because Zoro was a woman and her brutality was actually a little… sort of— no— No he wasn’t going there. Never. Sanji pulled another cigarette from the case in his pocket.

“I don’t think a bra is going to help,” Luffy said and Sanji prevented himself from crushing the cigarette between his fingers. Why were they still on this?

“You know what a bra is?” Nami said, sounding surprised. Sanji clicked his lighter, once, twice—there it was.

“Of course I do. Dadan used to have one this big—” And Sanji looked, though he shouldn’t have, and singed his fingers. _Don’t picture that either,_ he told himself. _Just don’t._ “And she’d hang it on the line and I used it to catch tadpoles once but all the water leaked out.”

“Oh really?” Robin said with a laugh cool and light as an evening breeze.

“That’s not what bras are used for, you know,” Nami said, tapping her fingers on the table.

“Oi oi, can we get back to the conversation,” Usopp said, chopping her hand through the air. “Stop getting distracted. This is serious.”

“Oh right,” Luffy picked up her mug. “Robin, you’re really smart, right? You should find a cure.” And just like that, Sanji felt something inside ease, just the tiniest bit. Luffy had made a decision about it. As crazy as it was. As impossible as it was. It would happen. Luffy had made lots of other crazy decisions that they shouldn’t have been able to do but did anyway. Like Sky Island for one. This would just be something like that.

“There is no cure,” Nami said. “I _told_ you—”

“I know. But maybe the book was wrong.”

“It’s possible,” Robin said. “Books are not infallible. But I believe in this case the book may have been correct since it was so specific about there not being a cure. As if the question had been asked many times before. However, since the berry is used in religious ritual, there could be a taboo in giving too much description, and I find it interesting that such a drastic change of self would be required in a ceremony if there was no way out.” She knew so much! So calm and rational! Luffy was nodding, frowning, took a healthy sip from her mug and set it down.

“In any case, you can find it,” Luffy said in a way that suggested she had no idea what Robin had just said. Why did simpleness look so charming on her?

“I can look,” Robin said.

“And what she can’t find anything here, Luffy?” Nami said, spreading her hands. She was still worried about this, but hanging in the moment of falling into Luffy’s pace anyway, as they all did when he was like this.

“Then we’ll look out there.” And Luffy gestured vaguely seaward. “The Grand Line is a weird place so we can find weird cures, right? Maybe Usopp can find a man-man Devil Fruit and be both at the same time,” Luffy said with a grin.

“No way. I’m going to be one-hundred percent man,” Usopp said, the confidence back in her voice, relief there, too. And Sanji relaxed a bit, watching her standing there, her slim shoulders proud, knowing she was going to be alright, eventually. Things would return to normal, eventually.

“Yeah, but listen, Usopp,” Luffy said, face serious again. “We’re still gonna fight that Marvin guy, whether we’re girls or boys and I know it’s weird, but you have to do your best.”

“O-of course! I’m not any different just because I’m a woman!” Usopp said, lifting her…her soft chest even as her legs shook. “I am still the Great Captain Usopp-sama! And everyone be-better get out of my way!” _Haa_ , if only he didn’t want to throw himself in her path right now. Or Luffy’s whose grin was so wide and healthy…or Nami-san who was shaking her head but finally relaxing, but still in the need of a massage of love if ever she asked for it. Or Robin who—

“But don’t think we’ll find a cure that easily,” Zoro said, interrupting, and he minded a little but not enough. He needed to mind a lot damn more but her voice was so serious and dangerous— and it was Zoro. Zoro, damnit. Who stood and gathered her swords in one casual, but smaller hand. “We could find it tomorrow, but we could also find it weeks from now or months or years. So you’re going to have to get used to what you have.”

Weeks? Months? Years? What…what bliss. Sanji tried not to think of it, but the thought poked at him anyway. And of course, Zoro’s words quieted the room a bit as everyone thought of this… but there was the undeniable presence of hope there, too. This was just a temporary condition because Luffy had said so.

“We have four days, you said?” Zoro said again into the stillness and he could hear the underlying ‘going to train my ass off’ in her tone. Nami nodded and Zoro nodded back and left, out into the still pounding rain. She should take a coat. He could bring her a coat to make sure she didn’t get all wet out there and then… Sanji leaned forward on his elbows to keep himself planted firmly on the table. No, chasing Zoro out into the rain would be a bad idea on so many levels.

“Well now that that’s out of the way,” Nami said, stretching one arm over her head and bracing it with the other. Such a graceful movement. Especially as everything moved together. Shifting just so. Shoulders tightening and then relaxing. “I am going to work on some things.” She paced to the wine rack and chose a bottle seemingly at random. Maybe if he stood straight and looked presentable enough she’d ask him to pour it for her.

“I…I better get to work, too,” Usopp said. Maybe she would let Sanji hold her tools if he— but she left before he could offer, skittering out the door and shutting it behind her.

“I’m going to have a snack,” Luffy said.

“Right away!” Sanji said, standing. That was one thing he could do without a doubt so if he just—

“No you’re not,” Nami said in a tone that booked no argument. “You’re going to take a bath.”

“Aw, but I just had one yesterday! And it’s raining.”

“Rain or no rain you promised,” Nami said, lightly thudding a cute set of knuckles on the top of Luffy’s cute head. “And wash your hair. I’ll know if you don’t.”

“Robin, you have to make me a boy again fast,” Luffy demanded, plunking a fist on the table even as she picked her nose with the delicate pinky of her other hand. “If I take too many more baths I’ll drown.”

“I’ll do my best,” Robin said with a slight laugh. Nami put her hands on her hips.

“The only reason you drown is because you mess around so much. The bathroom looks like a tidal wave hit it whenever you get out.”

“I want to help,” Chopper said, plocking his hooves on the table and staring fiercely at Robin. “I don’t know much about history or anything but I can read!”

“I’m sure you’d be a great help,” Robin said, resting her chin on her fist and smiling which prompted Chopper cries of: shut up, you bastard. I won’t be that great.

“Sanji-kun could you draw the water for Luffy?” Nami said and Sanji grinned, glad to have something to do please his beloved Nami-swan.

“It would be my pleasure.”

“And an after bath snack!” Luffy said, punching the air.

“Of course!”

“But a small one,” Nami said, giving him a stern eye.

“Anything you say,” Sanji said, turning so has not to be taken in by Luffy’s pout. Weeks, eh? Months. Years. He could handle it. He could get used to it. The rain helped a bit, for all that it put out his cigarette, and so did pedaling to draw up water so Luffy could bathe, though he tried not to picture that too much. The laughing. Blowing bubbles from small hands. That cute round face looking back at him and asking in a soft voice. ‘Co…could you wash my back.’ Which he would acquiesce to, of course! Anything for his petite Captain-chan! There was a faint groaning sound and he realized he was pedaling a bit too hard, so restrained himself, trying to think of something else. Anything else. But was it really so bad? There was a cure now, or there would be eventually since Luffy had the odd way of making things happen. So maybe he should just enjoy his ladies for… for weeks, months… even…even years! It would be incredible!

He kept this thought in mind as he finished drawing the water and went back into the warmth of the galley. Luffy looked up guiltily from where she’d drank all the abandoned cider. He couldn’t be mad at her even if he wanted to. There was always more and anyone knew that anything left behind at the table was fair game for Luffy’s gut.

“Drink your fill?” Sanji asked, as he collected the mugs. A dangerous question and he wanted to bite it back but thankfully Luffy said:

“Yep!” and clapped her feet together definitively. “Can I have a pre-bath snack?”

“I don’t think that was part of the agreement,” Robin said, coming in from the rain, a book under her arm. Chopper was just behind her, holding a stack of books almost as tall as his hat, a pair of Robin hands keeping them balanced on either side.

“Aww, not fair,” Luffy said. “Even Robin is siding against me.” And she had a look close enough to betrayal that Sanji had to look away. She had to stop being so cute. She _had_ to.

“Alas, I am,” Robin said. “But it’s not so bad, Captain-chan. The sooner you bathe the sooner you can have snack.” Uh oh. Giving Luffy that kind of time limit was never a good idea. He thought of saying something but once the challenge was issued there would be no point.

“Yosh,” Luffy said. “Have a snack prepared, Sanji! I’ll be back before you can blink!” and she barreled out of the room, nearly running over Chopper who moved out of the way and then wobbled under the stack of books, almost falling until Sanji put a hand on his hat to steady him.

“I…I don’t think that was such a good idea,” Chopper said, staring at the door, sweat beading his fur. “The bathroom will be a mess.”

“It will,” Robin said, depositing the reindeer’s stack of books on the table.

“Heeeh? You knew that it would be?!” Chopper squeaked.

“I did.” There was a pause, the sluicing of rain, the creak of the ship.

“Y…you’re evil,” Chopper said.

“I am.”

Sanji nearly pirouetted with love, but restrained himself, keeping it down to a little wiggle. He had to learn to pace himself or he would wear himself out. Still he couldn’t prevent himself from asking:

“Would Robin-chan like more cider?”

“No thank you.”

Well, that was fine. He still had mugs to wash even though it was Usopp-chan’s turn to wash up but he could do that service for her…and then there was the snack for Luffy to prepare. A bacon sandwich, he decided, would be perfect, but he got one of the apricots out to buy him some time in case she came barreling in early. She did, of course, and nearly took his fingers off with her teeth as she grabbed the fruit in passing before plopping on the bench and dripping everywhere. She was strangely quiet as she chewed the fruit and watched Robin and Chopper intently. It was difficult to tell whether Luffy was reading along or watching their faces or thinking strange Luffy thoughts that no one could even guess at. Her sandwich was done soon enough but when he gave it to her, she ate it in one bite and then went back to the fruit.

“Is the apricot really that good?” Sanji asked, taking the dish. Luffy blinked at him.

“It’s from the Old Fruit Lady,” she said, as if this made all the sense in the world. Maybe it did. Sanji understood somehow in any case and that was the only thing that mattered. He washed the dish and put it away. Made sure the fridge was well locked and then covered a yawn with the back of his hand. He just wanted to nudge off his shoes, take off his tie and swing for a bit, feel the swells of the sea. Except his hammock was here now and it wouldn’t…feel right somehow. Maybe if it was just Luffy-chan, _maybe_ , but with Robin here… But like that shitty swordsman had said in the lovely husky high voice that didn’t suit him…it was just something that Sanji would have to get used to.

Well it was his turn on watch anyway. Despite the fact that it was early yet and Zoro was out there, he might as well climb up. But first, he decided as he went out into the rain which had turned colder now, of course, splashing in his hair and down his neck, a coat. He briefly contemplated an umbrella but then decided that he didn’t want to look like a weak dumbass, sitting up there with that thing open like he was afraid of a little rain. And it didn’t have anything to do with any kind of comment some stupid marimo had said a month or so earlier because first, Sanji didn’t care what that lunkhead thought and second, what did it say that it still pricked him after so damn long?

He went down to the men’s quarters, nudged open the hatch and was halfway down before he heard a startled soft feminine curse followed by the rustle of cloth. Shit.

“Uh,” Usopp said. “Don’t t-turn around. Give me-give me a second.”

And oh, he wanted to. But knew he shouldn’t… He was a horrible pervert and he was more than willing to own up to it for a glimpse of— Except that Usopp had been through enough today and it was strange enough without all that. And he was too much of a gentleman anyway…

“O-okay, I’m done,” Usopp said. Why did she sound so embarrassed? She couldn’t sound embarrassed in that tone. She just couldn’t. His heart couldn’t take it. He simultaneously wanted to flirt with her and comfort her which lead his mind to all sorts of rose petal strewn directions either way. But no, no.

“Sanji, you’re letting the rain in,” Usopp said, and Sanji realized he’d been sticking to the ladder like a damn gecko… and since going back the way he came would make him look like a complete idiot… He shut the hatch and wanted to take a draw on his cigarette except with all the rain it was little more than wilted paper.

“Thi-this isn’t hard to get used to it at all,” Usopp said after a moment and he heard her shuffling around, the clank of tools. “In fact I’m all ready used to it. I acclimatize fast. It reminds me of this one time I was turned into a bear…” She trailed off and it went quiet. Selfishly, he didn’t want to turn around because he knew the look on her face. He wouldn’t know how to handle it. He didn’t know how to handle it even now and it seemed he’d been handling things all day. But— he turned anyway. Usopp was sitting cross legged in front of the couch, dressed in the too big too cute starry pajamas, a small bag of tools by her knee and staring at her slingshot.

“I need to put on weaker bands,” she murmured. “Otherwise the shot won’t go very far. But weaker bands mean less power…”

“Is it really that much of a difference?” Sanji said, curious. He’d never given thought to a slingshot before, and despite Usopp’s skill with it, it just looked a little more than some kind of grown up toy.

“You try it,” Usopp said, handing the slingshot up to him. Sanji braced his legs absently, gripping the slingshot in his right hand and hooking the fingers of his left hand in the pouchy thing.

“No no, you’re right-handed right? Hold the slingshot with your left hand because you want your dominant hand to get a nice strong shot,” Usopp said. Sanji switched hands and let Usopp rearrange his fingers over the weapon, trying to tell himself that this was not really a cute little mademoiselle who was teaching him with light touches—but Usopp who could be just as mannish and rough as any of them and not at all like this delicate little thing here.

“Now you want to sort of pinch the pouch between your fingers and pull back to your cheek.”

Sanji did, expecting it to be light and springy, but he wasn’t even close. The bands were strong and it took work to bring it back and hold it there. He could feel the effort in his right arm, curling all the way up to his bicep. He couldn’t imagine yanking this thing back in the heat of battle or running and firing at the same time.

“Impressive,” he said, trying to aim at the far wall and letting the pouch go with a snap. Usopp snickered.

“I don’t know what you were aiming at but you just hit the floor,” she said, taking the slingshot from him. “And it’s not that impressive. This is kinda old now and I’ve been working on a newer model but— like this that is kind of moot. I just can’t pull as far.”

“You can train that easily enough,” Sanji said. It would take some time, maybe. He wasn’t sure how someone exactly trained for slingshot use, but…

“Yeah,” Usopp said. “Train _again_ in four days. No problem for the Great Captain.”

He wasn’t sure what to tell her. He wanted to reassure her. Robin-chan would find a cure because Luffy had asked. Something would happen to change their fates. But in four days?

“Mah, don’t worry about it. You’ll figure something out. You’re always best under pressure,” Sanji said, which was true. If Usopp wasn’t he probably wouldn’t still be alive after this long but he always had a talent for improvising the shit out of anything.

“Well of course, under pressure I’m practically a diamond,” Usopp said, tilting her head up like pretending to be arrogant, though he couldn’t tell if she really believed it or not. It was good enough for now, though, he supposed. Maybe Usopp would come to believe it, soon. He breathed a laugh at her humor, to let her know he heard, and went to his trunk to get a coat— stared at it a moment. He should probably bring it up to the galley. But that seemed too final somehow. As if he really was the only shitty man on this ship, barring Chopper. He’d think about it tomorrow. Maybe they’d have a solution by then, or something. He grabbed a coat went past Usopp with only a passing glance.

“Don’t fall asleep up there,” she said, as if just to say something. He should probably tell her to shut up. He would usually say something like shut up or if he was in a particularly playful mood ask just what the hell Usopp was implying—but he couldn’t do either so for the moment just settled for:

“Of course not.”

And made his way back into the rain, shutting the hatch safely behind him. The light was still on in the galley but with any luck they would be done before it was time for Usopp’s watch…though if they weren’t he supposed he’d take the sniper’s watch, too since he doubted she’d feel up to it. He settled in the crow’s nest, even though he couldn’t see for shit… and heard the sounds of Zoro training below. In the rain. Grunting in a way the idiot swordsman shouldn’t grunt for Sanji’s peace of mind but he couldn’t blame her. He lit a new cigarette, pulling the jacket up so that he could smoke it without it being a soggy mess and sighed out a breath of smoke, listening to the faint chime of swords and the tapping of bare feet on the deck. This was fine. He could get used to it. What was another few more weeks…months… years….


	8. Preparing the Lines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before they go on, Sanji still needs to get a few things straight.

_They were running ahead, his pretty mellorines and cutie-chans, all in a line, their delicate feet and slender ankles kicking up surf and sand as sun dresses swung and were tugged by the wind. They were laughing, the sun high like an orange in a clear blue sky and made the water glint like tiny jewels as they flew through the air. He laughed himself, the sound rolling out of him like he couldn’t stop as he chased them, barefoot across the warm sand and touches of cool sea. They were all there. Nami-swan with her long healthy stride, Vivi-chwan, sky blue hair swaying and bouncing as it was tugged by the wind, Robin-chwan with her demure but purposeful run, Captain-chan, darting ahead of everyone, laughing the loudest, kicking up sea water in a cute yellow sun dress and even cuter legs, and Usopp-chan, Sparrow-chan, who giggled and looked over her shoulder as if asking Sanji to hurry up and catch her because she was waiting. But they were all saying that, chanting his name._

_“Sanji-kun!” they called. “Come play! Hurry up! Don’t let us down!”_

_“Don’t worry!” he called to them back, flinging out his arms. “Your prince is right behind you!”_

_“Your prince is an idiot,” said an annoyingly grating voice that made Sanji stop in place and whip around to glare at the idiot Marimo. Zoro, for his part, just stood there impassively, arms folded as if he didn’t give a shit that he was wearing a sun dress, too, with a flower in his mossy hair. Even worse, Sanji couldn’t even mock him for it. How the hell could you make fun of someone who didn’t care?_

_“Bastard,” Sanji snapped, grabbing the front of Zoro’s dress in his fist. “You want to say that again? I’ll kick your ass.” And he wanted Zoro to say it again. Even Zoro in a dress, he wanted him to say it a million times and call him a pervert cook and call him weak and--_

_“Are you sure you’re not too soft?” Zoro said with a leer. And there it was._ _A reason. A shitty reason but he didn't care._ _The thrill of a fight tightened through him and he grinned, but it didn’t matter. Who cared if Zoro saw how much he wanted to fight? This was where the real shit went down. The test between men. Too soft? Ha! He’d show him too soft. He’d—_

_“Sanji—” Zoro said, but his voice was different, her voice, sent another kind of twisting shudder along Sanji’s spine. He was changing, she was changing, breasts pushing against his arm, surrounding it in too soft warmth and something grated in the back of his throat. He wanted it to stop. Damnit. Stop now! He wanted it to keep going. She shrunk, even, they were eye to eye but he couldn’t look at her face for long. Didn’t want to look at his arm caught there. The toned but graceful lines of her waist and her hips which Zoro shouldn’t have. Couldn’t have. He couldn’t handle the having. Or the breasts Or the soft way that she breathed, in and out. Something like sweat trickled down his neck and she smirked._

_“What’s the matter, love cook?” she said in that same tone but different register, the kind that poked into every crevice of his spine. “Like I said.” She grabbed his tie in her hand, callused and tanned but slender, and jerking him forward, sending another jolt hipward. He looked desperately to her face. Which was too soft now. Everything was too soft and Sanji was going to drown. He was too close to that face now._

_“Being a woman shouldn’t make a difference. “_

_“Wai…wait that’s…that’s a little…” he couldn’t speak. He couldn’t think. It was too soft. Too close. Too dark and he was leaning forward, falling forward. A quiet husky laugh. As he drew closer, inexorably, inevitably, toward that softness, those parted lips, a small still_ sane _part of him was screaming no, no, NO! But he couldn’t stop and their lips met in a quiet hush of soft breath._

_Something **snapped** —_

Sanji jerked. Breath catching. Black sleep faded to dark grey and he could hear himself breathing again. Feel wood under his legs, and smell the air. Too fresh. He was outside for some reason. His neck ached, too, sending a faint wave of pain pressing behind his eyes. Another snap. Grinding chewing sounds. Sanji could feel the drizzle now, misting on his fingers… and…there was something on his head, pushed on, though a little big. He reached up and felt the faint prickling of straw. Startled, blinked and squinted at the underside of the straw hat. The owner of said hat was a few feet away, resting on the side of the crow’s nest as he peered seaward, or rather where the sea would be if not for the thick fog. A fine rain was collecting in his dark hair and the almost stale jar of pretzel sticks that rested by his knee.

“Luffy…?” Sanji murmured, touching the brim of the hat again. What was Luffy doing up here? Hell, what was Sanji doing up here? What time was it, even?

“Oh, you’re awake,” Luffy said, grabbing another pretzel. “Liking girls really tires you out, doesn’t it?”

“It’s a man’s duty to like girls,” Sanji muttered, rubbing sleep from his eyes and yawning before realization snapped through him. Shit. He’d overslept! He bolted upright, digging his watch from his pants pocket and clenched his teeth as he saw it was nine. Nine! That was half of the morning gone already! He jolted to his feet, tripping a little over the blanket that had been thrown over his legs. Damnit. Sanji felt his face heat.

“Don’t worry,” Luffy said, not seeming to have noticed as she bit into another soggier-by-the-minute pretzel, regarding him with big brown eyes. “Usopp made breakfast and it was pretty good!”

“Did he?” Sanji said, feeling his legs dissolve a little under that look. No. No dissolving. He had to look calm and collected even if he wanted to tear down the ladder and risk looking like a complete dumbass to save the meal that was already over. Not that Sanji doubted Usopp’s cooking ability, but he shouldn’t _have_ to. Luffy was frowning at him. Sanji couldn’t stand _that_ frown, big brown eyes or not. He just had to show he was okay, that was all. That he was completely cool and suave about all of this. Sanji leaned against the mast, the hat tipping up flicking trickles of rainwater down his neck. He cursed under his breath, and then regretted it since that wasn’t remotely suave. He took off the hat instead, intending to deliver it back to her with a little flourish. But she’d put the hat on him, hadn’t she? Her— _his_ most precious treasure, and maybe brought the blanket up, too—and had been sitting up in the crow’s nest for who could say how long, even though Sanji had been the one on watch. Some prince he was. Really damned reliable. Luffy stood but made no move to take her hat back.

“It will be okay. It’s like you’re sick or something.”

“I’m not sick,” Sanji said, plopping her hat back on her head where it belonged and so he could take a break from that frown just for a second. “I’m perfectly fine. So you don’t have to worry your pretty head about me.” He was becoming a shittier liar than Usopp but he couldn’t seem to stop the goofy smile.

“I just said it’s _like_ you’re sick. Or like you got hit in the head too hard and forgot how to walk for a bit.”

Except he _couldn’t_ forget. They were depending on him to, at the very least, do his damned job. He wanted to smile at her, to pretend that he believed it, to pretend that she’d made him feel better. That would be the gentlemanly thing to do. But all he could do was grind his teeth against his unlit cigarette and feel aggravated. He wanted to kick something, but there was nothing to kick. He wanted those shitty Merchant Pirates to come back so he could take all of them on. Just to lose himself in the heat of the moment where there was nothing but anger and determination and the steady crash of impact running up his legs.

“Well if you don’t like it, get stronger,” Luffy said, punching him in the arm so sharp and fast that Sanji’s foot twitched on instinct. He turned away instead, staring blindly out into the fog. He heard Luffy jump down, looked over his shoulder to see her fingers clutching the lip of the crows nest until her sandals hit the deck and her arm retracted with a sharp snap. Sanji pulled out his cigarette case, then realized he already had one and rolled his eyes and lit it, cupping his hand around the flame to protect it from the rain which had started to pick up.

The idiot captain was right, though. As much as Sanji hated to admit it. He had to get stronger. But being weak to a woman was part of his pride as a man. The last thing he wanted was to grow mental callouses to the beautiful swans that thrived on his love and attention. But those same swans, and cutie little sparrows, were being forced to either spend more of her precious money on food or make breakfast because he couldn’t handle it. Perhaps it was just about control. Letting himself give in just a little but stopping before things got out of hand. It would be just how it was on the Baratie, cool and collected, polite—to the ladies at least—but holding himself back. Yeah. He could do that. Sanji wheeled a kick at the mast, enjoying the sudden ragged burst of speed, and pulled it before he hit the wood, tapping it just lightly with his heel, causing only a faint tremor.

“Aah! Don’t attack the ship, you bastard!” Usopp-chan screeched from below. Oh shit. Sanji turned to see her and Nami standing just outside of the galley, frowning up at them. They were so cute! Even when disgruntled. He desperately tried not to notice how Usopp-chan was wearing another of Sanji’s shirts, the sleeves too long for her, or how the rain slid over Nami’s collarbone into the soft heaven revealed by a low-cut tanktop.

“Ah, sorry, I didn’t really hit it that hard,” Sanji said with a smile and a placating wave.

“You shouldn’t be hitting it at all!” Usopp-chan snapped, hand balled into a fist.

“Anyway,” Nami said, edging in front of the sniper. “We’re setting sail in about twenty minutes, so get ready.”

“Right away, Nami-swan!” His heart lifted the dulcet tones of her orders. She was so in charge of things! And yet so compassionate, giving him just enough time to get changed and take a quick hot shower! Perhaps if he got through soon enough she would even give him a kiss for a reward. He imagined this as he climbed down the mast, taking the sodden blanket with him.

‘Oh, Sanji-kun,’ she would say. ‘I know you had a hard time but you’re so reliable now!’ And she would clap her hands, sparkles of love radiating around her lovely form.

‘Of course,’ Sanji imagined himself saying as he nudged open the hatch to the--blessedly empty--men’s room. ‘Anything for you! My heart is your slave!’ He dropped the blanket in the hamper and dug in his trunk for a fresh change of clothes.

‘But what about me, Sanji-kun?’ the flowering Usopp-chan of his imagination asked, clinging to his arm, all softness and innocence as she fluttered long eyelashes up at him, a strand of tight curls falling into her face. ‘Can’t I just have a little piece of your heart?’

Which, of course she could! How could he deny a face like that? Or in a request so sweetly asked? He bundled his clothes in a towel to protect them from the rain as he went back up on deck to draw himself some water. And naturally he would have to give a piece of it to the stately Robin-chwan, who would never ask for it—not that she needed to!—but would nonetheless appreciate it with a slight smile as he presented it to her with a flourish. This, of course, he would have to do before Captain-chan got her hands on it and devoured what was left with her sincere brown eyes and bright sunny smile. But no matter what, Nami-swan would always get the first kiss.

Sanji slipped off the bike and grabbed his clothes, starting for the bathroom. Yes. He would just lift her chin with his fingertips and his other hand would slip to the small of her back would would be soft and like satin under his fingertips. And then… ah… Sanji reached started to reach for the bathroom door but it swung open to reveal a Zoro filled doorway. A Zoro-swa— cha— A lot of Zoro, taking up space, curvier than he had any right to be, sending the Nami fantasy falling away in tiny cracked shards.

“Have a problem?” she said, folding her arms under her breasts, lifting them just slightly and then over them, pushing them down, so soft, before dropping her arms to her side. “Knock it off,” she muttered. Sanji felt his face heat as he wrenched his eyes from those lovely cushions of paradise to look into her face. That mouth— that he’d—in the dream— Shit. _Shit._ No. No, no, no. Control, damnit. Somehow. Somewhere.

“I-I’m sorry, I di-didn’t know it was o-occupied.” Okay well now he sounded like a stammering idiot but at least he wasn’t just staring with his mouth opening and shutting like a dying fish.

“It’s not. I was just taking a piss.”

“Were you?” He thought he was too old to be able to reach that octave. But that was okay because most of his brain was dedicated to beating away the mental image of—of her sliding down— getting na— doing anything for any reason at all. Especially existing. Existing was the worst thing right now. Zoro started forward and Sanji had sudden vivid images of that hand grabbing his tie and jerked back, nearly tripped but caught himself. He looked away, his face burning. Maybe he should be the one to stop existing. Yes. To sink into the deck boards and have a party with the spirit of Merry.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Zoro said sounding annoyed and rough as if she knew. Of course she did.

“Nothing that love can’t cure!” the words spilled out of him before he knew they were there but of course they were there and maybe he could cook lunch on his face because it was sure as hell hot enough. Zoro grunted and stalked out, pissed off all over again. Sanji didn’t have to look at her to know it. To feel it. He cursed inwardly and ducked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him and lightly bonking his head against the wood. Shitty subconscious. It had been bad enough without that stupid dream.

But it had happened. It had happened and it was just something he would have to get over. Somehow. One step at a time. It was like Zeff had told him once. You can’t cook a whole meal at once, eggplant. A meal comes together one dish at a time. And the preparation for the first dish, barely an appetizer, involved taking a shower. The rest of it he’d make do, one ingredient at a time.

***

As it turned out, things went easier than he expected. Other than perhaps an overly effusive, if honest, praise of Usopp-chan’s breakfast—that had made Nami-swan give him a _look_ but Usopp’s bright grin was worth it—things had settled. Maybe it had something to do with the rain, harder again now and drumming on the roof where it slipped through the leaves of the mikan trees. Robin was sitting at the table, reading through another of the massive tomes she’d bought at the last island. Nami sat next to her, examining a chart and frowning at it as if something else was on her mind. Luffy was sprawled on the floor, deep asleep and using Chopper as a pillow. The reindeer didn’t seem to mind, instead seemed to be enjoying eating onigiri unaccosted by rubbery hands and watching Usopp-chan fiddle with her slingshot. Sanji, for his part, rested in the after snack, pre-lunch lull and enjoyed a cigarette. How long had it been since he could actually savor it? Felt like forever. He rolled the smoke over his tongue and let it out between his lips in a long leisurely stream that would certainly impress any ladies who happened to be watching. Otherwise he contented himself with watching Usopp-chan lift the slingshot and pull back experimentally. She didn’t quite get her wrist to her ear before her arms started shaking and she muttered a curse, releasing the tension.

“That’s pretty far,” Chopper said

“Not far enough,” Usopp-chan said. “And I don’t know how much of a punch it’ll have.” She sighed and pushed a strand of hair from her face. “Why are we fighting this guy anyway.”

“Ask him,” Nami said, gesturing to Luffy who was still snoring adorably.

“It needs to be done,” Sanji said, remembering Eba-san’s words. Remembering what that Mardus bastard was capable of. He stubbed out his cigarette in the ash tray. Nami gave him an unreadable look but said nothing.

“Yeah, well, just cuz it needs to be done doesn’t mean it’s sane,” Usopp grumbled. She plucked an onigiri from the tray. He watched her eat it, the rice sticking to her fingers until she sucked it off. He looked away. No. None of that. Control, he reminded himself. And above all, no weird thoughts about formerly male nakama. A new rule but undoubtedly a good one. He pulled out a cigarette and smoked it down a bit, looking at some bland corner of the room. It was all that dream’s fault, he decided. Shitty dream. No more of those either.

He finished his cigarette and slight burn in his throat told him he should probably start cutting back a little. He dumped the contents of the half full ashtray in the trash and then washed his hands. About time to start lunch. He risked a glance back at Usopp-chan and found her still half through her onigiri. Not really hungry, then, but stressed. He’d make sandwiches, he decided. A sort of gradual lunch rather than a more formal sit down where everyone could eat at their own pace and he could make hers next to last. Hopefully she’d be too distracted to notice. In the meantime, he’d make more onigiri to toss to the bottomless pit whenever he got up.

Sanji moved closer and was about to take the empty plate himself but realized Chopper had fallen asleep, practically on top of it. Usopp-chan seemed to follow his line of sight and handed it up. Sanji just managed to stop a hip wiggle at Usopp-chan knowing his mind so well. He had just managed to tamp down the flowery feelings of love when the galley door opened and Zoro came in. Sanji looked away before he could dwell too much on the rain in her hair, or the way it made things cling a certain way, and went to the sink to wash the hell out of the serving dish.

“I need to ask you something,” Zoro said.

“Good,” Nami said. “I need to ask _you_ something. How good are you? Can you take on another ship or two?”

“Another ship?” Usopp squeaked. “Or two? Wha-what are you talking about? H-hold on, just what are we up against?”

For once Sanji was in perfect agreement with the sniper. His heart tangled somewhere around his throat and he turned to look at Nami. Two ships? They’d barely managed to take down one.

“I don’t know,” Zoro said, after a moment, like it was hard for her to speak. “I’m still working finding the center of gravity. And with that and our….other problems” Why did Sanji have a feeling she meant him? “I think it would be a pain in the ass.”

“Oh, well then, I’ve got a good solution,” Usopp said. “Let’s _not_ fight them! Hey, great idea! Who’s with me?”

“We might not have a choice,” Nami said, lacing her fingers together and resting her chin on them as she looked down at the chart. “The currents run through this archipelago like a grid so it’s not too difficult to get around if you know what you’re doing. Remember how we had to stop the last time at that cross-current? We’re reaching another one in two hours and might have to do it again.”

“But Luffy broke their ship, didn’t he?” Usopp said. “He said he did.”

“Yes, well, if they’re affiliated with the Mardus guy then they’re just part of a fleet,” Nami said, her voice rising and her smile very rigidly pleasant. “Which means that there’s a good chance they’re going to get revenge.”

“A fleet? Where the hell did a fleet come from? We can’t fight a fleet!” Usopp moaned. So she knew about the fleet. Sanji wondered what else she knew about.

“I know, right?” Nami said, a smile still in her voice, like the tightening cord of some instrument. “There’s no way we can fight them all. We’re just an impossible situation yet again.”

“Nami-san…” Sanji said, but couldn’t think of what to say. He wished he could say something to reassure her but he was starting to get a little edgy now. They’d had enough trouble with the last ship and in the rain… Shit…

“What’s going on?” Chopper said in a sleep filled voice. “What’s happening?”

“We’re going to fight a fleet!” Usopp said.

“A fleet?!” Chopper shrieked.

“Calm down,” Zoro said. “We don’t even know if anyone will be there.”

“That’s not the point!” Nami snapped, slapping her hands on the table. “Whether we meet them there or not, there are at least two other cross-currents to meet them at. Not to mention we have no idea what’s waiting for us at this pervert’s island and we can barely fight!”

“We can still fight,” Luffy said and Sanji looked over to see her sitting up, hat dangling at her back. She covered a yawn. “Don’t worry so much.”

“I am going to worry. We’re still unprepared and what if we meet this fleet at a cross-current? Then what?”

“We can see them coming, right? So Usopp can shoot them down with the canon. That would be really cool!”

“W-well I can hit the eye of a pigeon at a hundred paces,” Usopp said. “B-but what if I miss by some freak chance?”

“Then we’ll fight them anyway and I’ll break their ship. But I still think it would be cooler if you blew it up.”

“Ugh, sometimes I think there’s nothing in there but rubber,” Nami said, burying her head in her hands. Poor Nami-san. He wondered if the offer of a massage would cheer her up or make her hit him. Either way it would be worth it. Robin looked up from her book, the calm in the center of the storm and smiled, gently patting Nami’s shoulder.

“There, there, Navigator-chan. We’ll be all right.” Her lips twitched upward. “Or we’ll all die a fiery death.” Wah, Robin-chwan was cute when she was morbid, too!

“Oi! Don’t say such scary things!” Usopp said, clinging to Chopper who clung back.

“Yeah! Don’t say such scary things!” the reindeer cried.

“It sounds like fun!” Luffy said.

“A fiery death isn’t fun for anyone!” Nami snapped.

“Well maybe not the fiery part,” Luffy conceded, folding her arms. “That kind of hurts.” She cocked her head to the side. “Or the death part either.”

“Then why did you say it was fun?” Usopp said, conking Luffy on the head with the side of her hand.

“Robin made it sound fun,” Luffy said which brought a quiet laugh from Robin and sent Sanji’s heart fluttering right against his ribs. Everything was almost back to normal. If he could just ignore their voices and the way they looked, which was almost a crime in an of itself, everything would be back to normal. Sanji plucked the serving dish from the sink—

“In any case,” Zoro said. “I think I need a bra.”

—and cracked the shitty thing right in half when it hit the floor.

Frozen silence.

Even the sea seemed to stop moving.

It lasted for what felt like forever, just those words churning through his head.  _I think I need a bra. I think I need a bra._

***

He had done something to piss off the universe. Sanji had come to this conclusion some time later as he prepared the sandwiches for the day. Just prepared. Getting things ready. Because he sure as shit couldn’t make anything with his brain twisted up like barbed wire. He must have done something to piss off the universe because the universe was now telling him that Roronoa fucking Zoro needed a bra. Because it felt like he was going to give himself a black eye, he’d said. And then Luffy had wondered if breasts even stretched like that and thankfully Usopp, wonderful Usopp, angelic Usopp had shrieked a very high pitched _no_ and that if Luffy even thought of doing anything weird like that he’d insult the pride of all women everywhere. He could have kissed Usopp for that. In fact he would like to kiss Usopp because she was now small and cute and soft and curved— But not as curved as Zoro, oh no, of course Zoro had to look like the freaking amazon queen out of some poor sex starved bastard’s comic book that Sanji may or may not have devoured late at night on the Baratie.

Now, fortunately, unfortunately, whatever, they had all scattered. Nami and Robin had fairly frogmarched Zoro presumably to their cabin— He chopped up a cucumber as he feverishly tried not to imagine it. Chopper to gather things and prepare for the fight. Luffy to—wherever Luffy got off too in stormy and choppy seas and that bastard had better not go overboard or Sanji would kick his ass six ways to last week when he became a man again. Only Usopp remained. Sitting at the table. Dwelling in that quiet horror that, yes, Zoro in fact, needed a bra. The knife slipped unexpectedly and Sanji cursed as he came a hairs breadth from cutting himself. Usopp jumped.

“Crap. Are you okay? Should I get Chopper?”

“I’m fine,” Sanji said, lifting his hand and seeing that he was fine. Just barely. Hell what was he even thinking cooking like this? Lunch was going to be late if he didn’t but—he’d be damned if he stooped so low and got blood in the food. He set the knife down carefully, wanting to throw the damned thing and sat at the table lighting a cigarette and staring off into the middle distance as he tried to bully his brain into some sort of calm.

“This is really hard, isn’t it?” Usopp said. Sanji glanced at her. She was looking down at the table, picking at splinters with her fingernails. “Not…just for us but …for you, too.”

“You don’t have to worry about me.” He could do better than this. He _should_ do better than this. He just had to _focus_.

“We all do, really. Not that you’re not strong or anything,” Usopp said, putting up her hands. “Because you still are but…you kind of look like hell.”

Stung. Right through the heart. Almost a literal sensation of his heart shifting from the weight of that blow. Of all the times for that bastard to be honest. What could he say to that? What could he do to that? Not a damn thing. Just duck his head and smoke a cigarette and pretend he was in some other reality where his nakama were men and stayed the hell that way.

“I kind of miss the way it used to be,” she said.

“I kind of do, too.” And it was traitorous, really. The judgmental eyes of every proud man were staring down at him. This was a golden opportunity! So much flesh! So much bouncing! It was a man’s dream come true! Funny thing that no one seemed to remember that dreams didn’t always turn out well. There was nothing for a while. The creaking of the ship. The pattering of rain. Luffy telling someone about glowing fish being back in an excited voice. Usopp shifted and when Sanji looked up saw she was looking toward the door as if listening to Luffy. Chopper’s rising voice calling back. The sound of their feet pattering over the deck. Some things didn’t change much. Then Usopp sighed and looked at her fingers again.

“I guess…what I really want to say is something…inspiring. You know how Luffy always says that one thing that gets hooked right under your skin? Those words you can’t get rid of?” One side of her mouth twisted in a smile but she didn’t look him in the eye. Finally she shrugged. “But I can’t think of anything. I can’t even say that I’m okay with being a girl… Al _though,_ I was a girl back when I was five and fought off a giant lobster.”

“Oh yeah?” Sanji said with a small laugh. “How did a five year old girl manage to beat a giant lobster?”

“Hmm, well it was pretty hard,” Usopp said, putting a hand to her chin in a gesture that was both familiar and out of place. “Because the lobster’s shell was made out of steel. And of course there weren’t any idiots around to cut it. He probably got lost.”

“Probably.” He couldn’t help but grin at that.

“But I knew a lot about lobsters and they’re really allergic to pepper, you know. So I wrapped a bunch of peppers up in a big cloth bag, and it was bearing down on me, salivating and claws snapping so loud the sound knocked over trees.” She spread her hands wide as if demonstrating the hugeness of the claws. “And I chucked the bag right in it’s mouth and for a moment I didn’t think it was going to work but then it started coughing and each cough sent it reeling back and eventually it sneezed so hard it sent itself skipping across the sea--”

“Where a shitty little brat on a floating restaurant caught it, cooked it, and served it up to all and sundry.”

“And a good time and great meal was had by all thanks to the brave Captain Usopp—”

“And Master Chef Sanji.” He grinned and Usopp laughed and he found himself laughing too. It felt good. Like something was unwinding in his chest that he hadn’t even known had tightened. It was…nice. Weirdly nice. He couldn’t remember being this relaxed around a girl for—well ever really. But he wasn’t going to dwell on it. Dwelling on things was what got him into trouble in the first place. So he just enjoyed it for the moment. He took the time to admire Usopp’s face, the curve of her shoulders, the line of her neck, not letting his eyes flit too low for too long, but appreciating her like a lady should be appreciated, even if she wasn’t exactly a lady.

“Oh man, don’t look at me like that. I am a guy you know.”

“Sorry,” Sanji said, and meant it. “You’re just really cute.” And it was okay to say it. It was okay because if Usopp was a girl, he didn’t mind and if Usopp brought it up as a guy, Sanji would kick his ass.

“I know. It’s weird, because, you know, I’m me. But even I want to make out with me sometimes.”

No. No not imagining that. Not at all. Just staring in the middle distance. And thinking about other things. Like lunch. Yes. Lunch. Because the monster would not be content for long.

“Sorry,” Usopp said. “Do…do you need any help with lunch?”

No… no he didn’t but, really, girl or not, he couldn’t resist such an offer from Usopp.

“I’d like that.”

***

Lunch had gone better than expected with Usopp helping. Sanji had put him in charge of making soup, with a kind of premade stock, of course, but Usopp had a way with simple foods, and a good eye besides. With Usopp concentrating on that, Sanji had been able to keep his focus on the sandwiches, tailoring them to his nakama’s unique tastes and adding a lot more cucumber to Chopper’s sandwich than was probably necessary—but only because the reindeer deserved it after this ordeal. In addition to the sandwiches and soup, he heated up a plate of chicken legs that with one thing and another he’d forgotten about. They were still good, though, but tough—not that it had mattered much to Luffy who had gnawed his way through them in rapid time, giving everyone a welcome, if brief, break in the daily battle. Not that Luffy had been too brutal at the table this time. The great thing about sandwiches was that Sanji could hide ingredients so Luffy couldn’t tell what was meat and what was tricky vegetable. It was fun to watch him try to guess. The green-haired idiot hadn’t come to the table, though and, in the end, Usopp had volunteered to bring her her food and Sanji, like the coward he was, had let her.

But as the hour marked passed, the tension started to wind up—in everyone but Luffy of course who was only annoyingly bored at the rain and poking at Usopp until the sniper chased him around the galley which was probably relief for them but made Nami knock them both to the floor with her lovely yet indiscriminate fists of love. Soon they would get close enough to see if there was a ship or two, or hell, even several, on the cross-current. And the fact was—before any of that shit happened he would have to make some sort of peace with amazon lily out there. Except, what the hell was he supposed to say? What was he supposed to _do_ for that matter? And what about the fact that—that that damned dream still lurked in the fringes of his mind?

Still, he had to do _something_. But what could he _say._ Sanji puttered around the kitchen, cleaning up here, straightening there, taking half hearted stock of the fridge before forgetting what he was looking at. It was almost to the point where he was getting sick of looking at this part of the galley. He stared into the fridge, turning thoughts and plans over in his head and almost immediately discarding them. He snapped out of it only when a rubbery hand finger walked its way across the floor like Sanji wouldn’t notice it down there.

“Nice try, captain,” Sanji said, picking up the hand and shoving an apple into it. “No more meat until dinner.”

“Awww,” Luffy said, but the hand snapped back anyway and he watched bemused as she ate the thing in one bite. He closed the fridge and locked it for good measure, earning another dissatisfied whine from Luffy and then decided that he could step outside at least, even if he didn’t talk to Zoro right away. The air was cooler but it was still raining, not hard but just enough to be annoying. Usopp was up in the Crow’s Nest, keeping an anxious eye through the curtains of rain. If anyone was waiting for them, she would be the one to notice. He could see Zoro, too. If he squinted she almost looked like a man. But not quite. Not enough. He cursed under his breath and looked away. Luffy’s voice echoed back at him.

_If you don’t like it, get stronger._

And if he could get stronger around Usopp, he could damn well get stronger around the marimo, too. Somehow. Sanji tucked a cigarette between his lips, shoved his hands in his pockets—and felt like his shoes were cemented to the deck. He was really going to do this, wasn’t he? Holy shit. But yes he was. Because he wasn’t just some little snot nosed brat, clinging to his mentor’s dream because he was too chicken shit to go after his own.

He was a man, a Mugiwara Pirate, he’d saved a princess and seen angels and had a hand in taking down a god. He sure as shit could talk to his nakama without falling over himself. He moved forward, like he was heading for a fight—hoping the words would come to him since he was drawing a complete blank at the moment.Staring at the deck made him feel like a school kid going for a beating so he raised his head and watched her move. Just one sword. The white one, going through steps, cutting the rain. He couldn’t even tell what was rain and what was sweat and wondered just how long she’d been out here. Just how long she’d practiced, trying to get it just right. Dedicated bastard. Sanji had always secretly, very secretly, admired that about him—but it was much easier to admire it about her.

Yeah. He _could_ admire it about her. It would be the same as it was with Usopp right now. Different. But kinda the same, too. Maybe even more relaxed than normal. Not that he expected sunshine and rainbows or anything but— it —could work. He approached Zoro and she watched him and relaxed her stance, going into that typical pose that still annoyed him just a little. Head up. Shoulders back. Like he was the coolest thing in the goddamn world and didn’t it just burn the shit out of Sanji to know it. But—that was okay. This would be good. A shitty kind of bonding moment and since the lugheaded idiot was a woman, it would be much easier than before.

“Zo—” And then he had to wrench himself backwards before the sword nearly took his damn head off. He even saw it in slow motion, the blade pass just over his nose, and sliding over, but not cutting, a strand of his hair, before time went back to normal and he stumbled back.

“What the hell!?”

“Sorry, curly brow,” she said, not looking sorry at all judging by that smirk. “I forgot how slow you were.” Taunting. Well that was fine. She was cute even when she was taunting except that calling him slow when he wasn’t really wasn’t that cute at all.

“Look—” Sanji started, but had to move as she was coming at him at him again. “Damnit—” he dodged the blade again. “Will you just—” a third time. “Knock it off!” he snapped, meeting the side of the blade with his heel. The clanging impact jolted up to his thigh as it always. His heart beat a ragged rhythm. Zoro was smirking at him and it was almost the exact same expression as that dream— And with the rain. And her breathing. All he could remember was—

“Can’t you think of anything else?” she snapped, shoving him back and sheathing the sword. Sanji felt like an idiot all over again. He clenched his hands in his pocket and looked away, grinding the cigarette between his teeth. “Just because I’m a woman—”

“Stop saying that. There is no ‘just because you’re a woman’. Unlike certain braindead idiots, I notice women. And I notice you even when I want to kick your ass.” Except that he didn’t. He really didn’t. Which was most of the problem but he wasn’t going to spell it all out for him either.

“You’ve got a one track mind,” Zoro said, looking away and resting her hand on her swords. Even that was irritating. Sanji wasn’t sure if it was an improvement.

“First of all, you’re the one with a one track mind. I have plenty of other interests outside of the ladies. Secondly, I’m a healthy functioning man.” He took a drag on his cigarette. “I don’t know what the hell you are.”

“Competent?”

“And just what are you implying? You want to start a fight, asshole?” He was faintly amazed that he could glare at her and do this. He was getting too pissed to do anything else. She raked her eyes over him, up and down.

“I don’t know. Think you can actually finish one?”

Okay, that was it. Sanji threw a kick because he knew, he _knew_ Zoro was fast enough to block it. And even if she wasn’t, he could pull himself from actually touching her. She did block it though, with two swords and the familiar crash was like music. It felt too damn good. Sanji tried not to think too much as he continued, whirling kicks at the bastard as hard as he could and soon learned to not be too cautious with her because she got fast in a hurry, agile too, and of course—there was the bouncing. That couldn’t be avoided. Even if he tried. Even when he tried.

In the end, it was Zoro who reigned in. Sanji missed a kick and the blade came right at his throat but he didn’t even feel a twinge of fear. She stopped a breath from his skin. He swallowed. She was breathing hard. Definite sweat now running down her cheek and over her neck. He was breathing pretty damn hard, too, and his nerves were twinging with the need to move. To fight.

“Well better me a woman than you,” Zoro said, flicking the water off her blades and sliding them both home at the same time in perfect precision. Damnit she was doing it on purpose now. “You’d make one ugly chick.”

“Shut up. My breasts would be bigger than your head,” Sanji said, lighting a new cigarette and pretending he didn’t care much that he just wanted to keep going. “Not that that’s saying much.”

“There’s a ship!” Usopp’s voice rang from above in obvious panic. “Two ships! Holy shit, we’re going to die!”

“Two ships, huh?” Zoro said, cracking her neck. “One for you and one for me?”

“Sounds good to me,” Sanji said, shoving his hands in his pockets and leaning back like he really didn’t give a shit. And for now. He really didn’t. Those bastards could bring it on. He was ready.


	9. The Changing Tide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another pitstop, necessary this time because some people are still not in the shape they need to be. In Sanji's urge to be shitty reliable, he might be facing more of a change than he had ever considered before.

Another shitty pitstop. He could just see the little town over the curve of the forested hill from where they were anchored in a sheltered, hidden bay. Not that Sanji begrudged the ladies this island… Not that he could even if he wanted to. 

The fight hadn't been bad. Merry had taken a bit of a beating though. Sanji tried not to look too hard at the section of railing that had been splintered in half when he'd had to heel drop some asshole's head through it. Usopp had railed at him for that and being dressed down by a cute but angry Sparrow-chan had made him feel more undependable than ever. 

He blew out a stream of smoke through his lips and looked toward the village. The Merchant Pirates were pretty weak all told. But they had shitty big mouths and this batch worse than the other. Zoro's...what Zoro had borrowed from Nami had been insufficient to stop...the bouncing... So he'd overheard, nearly getting creamed by a bastard with a hammer as he daydreamed. And so that great gorilla turned angry tigress had struggled through the battle until a lucky blow had cut her shirt open. 

Sanji pressed his thumb to his forehead and reminded himself fiercely it was a terrible thing and those bastard pirates shouldn't have the pleasure of seeing those wonderful soft heavy mountains of love before he could. And yet, he felt faintly envious. Forgive him, Summer-chwan! He would never do such a thing himself, of course! And would kick the ass of any who looked-- 

Because it was a terrible thing, he reminded himself again. And it must have effected Zoro's fighting because Luffy had called out 'Zoro!' in that tone which, high and feminine though it was, was still enough to get his gut clenching and his blood boiling. He had fought his way to help and somehow or another kicked down the remaining Merchant bastards, without so much as a peek... not entirely from lack of trying. 

Forgive him again, Summer-chwan.

His beloved Nami-swan, understandably furious about having her bra cut clean through, had refused to lend him any more and instead they would stop at the very next island-- this one as it happened--and she would loan him money to buy some. Zoro had snarled at her that she was a witch and had summarily refused to which Luffy had said

Damn him. Bless her. 

'Yeah, but don't you bounce around everywhere otherwise?' 

And Zoro had snarled something unintelligible-- Whereapon Sanji found his white knight charging forth and offering to pay for Summer-chwan's lingerie. In retrospect he probably should have used a different word as then he'd had to pinch his nose shut just in case-- and Zoro had grumbled that he'd accept the loan but Nami was going to suffer greatly for it in the afterlife. Sanji had felt both the floating kind of feeling at the sight of angry blushing womanhood and also a stab of annoyance at that meaty green head for not accepting a reasonable offer. 

Which was progress of a sort. 

At least he supposed so. 

Anyway once this situation was taken care of they could at least go kick that shitty Mardus' ass and make him regret even looking at a woman and then--well back out into the Grand Line, and hopefully a cure. Or maybe they would all somehow find a way to live with it. He could get used to it, couldn’t he? It wasn’t so bad, was it? 

He heard the tipper tap of hooves on wood behind him and glanced over his shoulder to see Chopper carrying a largish book under one arm and a journal under the other. A faint breeze ruffled his fur and the reindeer lifted his head toward it with a smile. Sanji could feel his heart warm, too. But it was a good healthy kind of warming that didn’t involve flailing around and getting his newly changed nakama angry at him. 

“You can go exploring if you want,” Sanji said. “They’ll be gone for a few shitty hours at least.”

“No thanks,” Chopper said, plonking down the tome and the notebook before belly flopping himself on the deck. “Since we don’t know how long this …effect is going to last I want to brush up on human female menstruation. Robin and Nami know enough so I’ve only glossed over it but…” 

“Menstruation…” Sanji murmured. He knew of it of course. It had sort of been discussed back in the Baratie. That mythic time a few days before when women’s libidos were overcharged and they turned into raging fountains of lust. Though no one had ever caught them at it. And since sailing with his glorious Nami-swan he had since learned what teas she preferred and what food would help her along and… sometimes she asked Usopp for massages. He bit his tie. And then…hot bubble baths he knew only by fervid imagination! 

Ah! He could just see it now! 

‘Can I have a massage, Sanji-kun?’ Usopp-chwan would ask, batting her big lashed eyes at him until he could do nothing but be her devoted slave, working the kinks of of her delicate shoulders or back or even… legs… as she flushed prettily down at him. 

And then his dearest Nami-swan helping Captain-chwan with the same, as she relaxed back into those dexterous fingers and then— and then—!

‘Let’s all take a bubble bath, ne?’ the wonderful amazing goddess Robin-chwan would say and they would all agree in soft mmhs of pleasure until Sparrow-chwan put delicate fingers to her mouth and said: 

‘We can’t leave Sanji-kun out! Who will wash our backs?’ 

And he would! He would wash all their backs in the wonderful bubble bath of love. Their prince of bubbles! Their servant for life!

And—and then—!

‘I’ll take a bath with this curly browed pervert’ Zoro’s rough shitty manly voice poked into his imagination. ‘You girls go ahead.’ 

And they laughed and floated off toward the sanctity of a love bath which he couldn’t enter. 

“Shitty marimo! At least be a girl when you say that!” Sanji snapped, kicking the air the imagination apparition had been. That asshole had to ruin everything! 

He tried to return to his warm imagination of bubble time love but Chopper was staring at him in concern, tufts of fur stuck up here and there, then let out a long sigh.

“Nami told me to give you a sedative when you act like that and I don’t think she was joking,” Chopper said wearily. 

Either way was fine with him! Sanji wanted to say with a swish of his hips and the words were surging in his throat but he somehow swallowed them back and lit a cigarette. That was the damn shitty pain of it all. He couldn’t allow Nami-swan to suffer and couldn’t let his nakama suffer, especially not now. He was a ladies man regardless of what they were not a few days ago. But how could he give up his dreams? It was the same as not breathing! No matter how outlandish a man’s fantasy, it was his own to have, wasn’t it? 

“Maybe…” Chopper sat up, scratching at the back of his head with a hoof and looking down at the deck as if he didn’t want to say what was on his mind. 

“Maybe what?” Sanji prompted. Chopper pressed his mouth together and moved the hoof to the brim of his pink hat, tugging it down on one side a little. 

“Maybe we can…find one of the berries for you to eat.” 

“No,” Sanji said, with some effort, trying to keep the images that that statement conjured up at bay. It wasn’t as if he’d miss certain things, which he would. But he could hardly bitch about if the others had lost the same things but for longer. It was just… he would have new things. New… soft and bouncy things… and secret places… and less of an inclination to worry about sleeping in a different room because they were all girls and soft soft mellorine love. 

Chopper’s yelp brought him out of it a little and he took the small rolls of cloth the tiny doctor had pressed into his hand and stuck them up his nose before he could spurt blood all over the deck. 

“That would only make it worse,” Sanji said, trying to think of horrible things in its place. It was a difficult image to erase. The softness. The giggling. Even Zoro being a man didn’t stop him because he could still kick that bastard’s ass, man or woman —with the added bonus of not caring at all what he said because the joy of being a woman, he supposed, was the luxury of being able to choose whether you had to prove yourself or not. Of course he would. Naturally. And to any asshole that messed with him but… 

And the raging libido mystery would be solved. Ah the tsunami of passion!

Sanji bit his tongue a little and thought of all the burly sweaty stinking assholes at the Baratie and what they’d say and do and how he’d have to fight that much harder to kick their faces in because being a woman there would just be even more of a pain in the ass than it already was. And he didn’t want those idiots lusting after him. The thought sent a cold shudder through him and he sucked his cigarette down a little and blew the smoke out before rubbing his fingers through his bangs. 

“I think I’m going to take a walk,” Sanji said. Maybe it would clear his head and get him settled on a more even keel. “Will you be alright by yourself?”

“Uh huh, I’ll be fine,” Chopper said. 

“Alright. Send up a flare if there’s any shitty trouble.” He rapped the top of Chopper’s hat with his knuckles. “Meanwhile there’s a shitty fruit parfait in the fridge. But only that. You get into the cake and I’ll bake you into a pie.” 

“That’s great! Thanks!” Chopper said, beaming with open enthusiasm. He was cute but for just a moment Sanji wished he was gruffer. Something less like a fuzzy kid reindeer and more like a…he didn’t know…chain smoking zebra or something. 

“I won’t be gone too long,” Sanji said. He popped into the galley first to get some fresh fruit tucked in a cute little basket, for any of his ladies that might be hungry, and one that probably was— Then jumped to shore and headed curiously, in the direction of the village. His heart was already fluttering with the thought of seeing them again! Of the joy on their faces as they bit into the juicy fruit that ran clear liquid down their fingers and— 

And he was doing it again. 

Sanji cursed, absently kicking a pebble as he trod through the forest. He had to do better than this. He had to become _reliable_ for them. They depended on him now more than ever! Maybe whenever he felt that…that rising in him he could think of himself as a woman on the Baratie. At least until he got used to them. At least until they got used to themselves. Sanji paused, then shoved that mental image from his mind, hunching a little.It was no damn fair.

But it was less fair to them. And they …well, Zoro and Usopp, had bigger problems to work through. He sighed and tried to shift his thoughts, focusing instead on the plants and trees, deciding what might be edible. It was a pretty lush place. Good for growing it looked like. Nothing ripe, though, which was a damn shame. He absently toed a bush netted with small green undderripe berries. Then with a surge of hope, crouched to look at them more carefully, only to be disappointed. Nothing like a fugu berry. Shit. Oh well. Not that they would help anyway. He straightened, rolled his shoulders and went into town. 

The village sat at the base of a rolling hill just before it gently sloped into a bay, surrounded by a scattering of docks that looked well used. Mostly it seemed made up of small dirt streets, but there was a main road, wide and well packed, that lead from the docks, up through the center of town and beyond to a forested place where, at some distance sat something like a ruin or an old temple. It was hard to see exactly from where he was standing. 

It was… a little strange though. It was going on three in the afternoon and the weather was nice, but the town was quiet. There were no children in the streets. No boys squabbling or lazy old men fishing on the quay. The few ladies that where around, hurried away like startled birds before he could get near, pulling hoods over their dull ragged hair. This was not a healthy shitty town. 

He came up to what seemed to be a marketplace, fairly empty though wares were sitting out..some seemed abandoned all together as if whoever had been sitting on the rug or behind the stand had stepped out. It probably wasn’t as shitty innocent as that, he bet. No men here either, he noted. Dotted here and there were old ladies with sour faces, watching him eagle eyed as if they suspected he’d turn into a raging shoplifter at any minute. Sanji did the gentlemanly thing and pretended not to notice. The further he went, it seemed, the harder the glares grew until he was pretty sure he would wither from the sheer shitty vitrol of them. He debated turning back but then: 

“Oi! Sanji!” 

Sanji easily spotted his captain, perched in a tree at some distance, his vest standing out red against the green leaves. Sanji smirked and shook his head. Leave it to the rubber idiot to smell a snack at a hundred paces. He made his way closer in long strides which slowed out of faint desperation as he came closer. Some beautiful, wonderful, cruel person had tied her vest into a kind of midriff shirt. The shorts were still her old ones and so a bit too big but it just made her alarmingly cute with a faint blush of innocent sex appeal as she peered down at him with gorgeous brown eyes. 

No damnit all he would be _reliable_. 

“An apple for you, Captain-chwan,” he said, in a rough manly voice that only shook a little as he thrust the apple up toward her without looking. “I see you’ve got a new style~!” the words poured out of him more sing songy than he’d like but he was trying. How could he not comment? He was still a red blooded male wasn’t he?!

“Ah thanks,” she said, taking the apple and there was a delicious crunch as Captain-chwa— Luffy. Luffy bit into it. “Yeah. It made the shop ladies happy and it’s no big deal.” 

“Made the shop ladies happy?” Sanji said, glancing up and only dazzled a little by the radiance of her beauty by the oddness of the phrasing. Granted the words themselves weren’t odd but generally Luffy didn’t concern himself with that sort of thing for no reason. 

“Yeah,” Luffy said, wearing that watching, distracted look that meant he was mulling something over. Then she swallowed the apple whole and jumped to the ground, sucking the juice off her fingers. “I’m gonna go explore.” 

That was a recipe for disaster if ever he heard one and still he wanted to go with her. Ahh a happy walk through the wood with— But no, no, best to leave her to her own adventures. Anyway, he had other hungry mellorines to take care of. 

It didn’t take him long to find the shop Luffy had been speaking of, though mostly because he saw half of Usopp sitting by the window and Nami going through a selection of limp dull clothes with a focused look on her face. She wasn’t happy. He couldn’t see Zoro, but that was probably a good thing. 

He scuffled to the side a bit before he could be spotted and lit a cigarette to prepare himself for this and pushed open the door, to the soft tangle of bells. Nami glanced at him and jerked back a step, her face hardening. Before he could ask there was a shriek and he spotted a woman who had come out of some curtained place, clutching the wall. 

Sanji tensed and looked over his shoulder, ready to beat the shit out of whoever was making the woman freak out like that— but there was no one there. What— 

“What’s that?” came Zoro’s voice, muffled somewhat. 

“Nothing,” Nami said. “Just a mouse.” And then she made a sharp gesture at Sanji, like shooing him out the door. But… what…? He was so dazed by everything that was happening that he found himself holding up the basket to say he wasn’t there to cause trouble, just bring snacks, but she made the gesture again and then there was Usopp, pushing at him with tiny hands. 

“Ah, glad you came, yeah let’s take a walk,” Usopp said with a nervous laugh. Sanji allowed himself to be pushed and walked a bit beside the… beside Usopp, barely even smoking he was so damn rattled. What the _hell_ had that been? 

“Sorry about that,” Usopp said, trying to fold his arms and then putting his hands in his pockets. “Zoro’s kinda….” 

“Yeah…” he didn’t want to talk about it actually because they both knew what Zoro was kinda and why and it still made Sanji feel like shit. “So…” he trailed off. He was about to ask what was going on with that saleswoman back there but trailed off when he looked at Usopp. The sniper was wearing overalls as usual, but new ones, still a few sizes too big for her—his now much smaller frame, but at least he didn’t look like he was drowning in it. He had on a shitty yellow shirt underneath and if Sanji peeked to the side a bit he could see that those wonderful soft visions of lovliness had been pressed cruelly down with oppressive bandages that he could just make the outlines of underneath the shirt. 

“It’s great, isn’t it?” Usopp said with a grin, hands on her hips now. “I’m just like my old self. You can hardly tell I’ve changed at all! I bet it’ll give you an easier time, right?” 

“Damn right,” Sanji said, speaking a little too quickly, but Usopp didn’t catch on…and then to distract her further. “Have some fruit, shitty longnose.” 

“Oh fruit? What kind?” Usopp said, taking the basket and peering inside. Sanji glanced away, lightly chewing on the end of his cigarette and trying not to look directly at her. It was cute. Too damn cute. He knew that wasn’t the kind of answer she wanted but how could he help it? Even if her gorgeous chest had been tamed, that didn’t hide her delicate frame or the swell of her hips. And sure it was fine now but if…when…that time happened… Shit he didn’t want to think about it. 

“What’s with this shitty place anyway,” Sanji asked, desperate to keep his mind off it. 

“The Merchant Pirate guys probably,” Usopp said, her voice somber. His— voice always got deeper when he was serious, and that was the same even now, but the dip in the timbre did strange things to his spine. Merchant Pirates, though. That was the shitty thing. He kept the image in his mind of them. The bastards. Ugly and hairy and everything he hated about shitty men. 

“They told us to get out while we could.” Usopp picked out the persimmon with her small hand, then glanced down back toward the village.“I think that’s why they all look like that.” 

He followed Usopp’s line of sight and saw two woman of indeterminate age, huddling close in that same coarse brown clothing. He looked away, grinding the cigarette under his heel and keeping hold of the cold feeling that blossomed in his chest. He would kick Mardus’ ass for this. Him and all his shitty pirates. Women should never be afraid to dress as jewel bright (and skimpy) as they wanted. As he watched, more women joined the first, slowly, creeping out of doorways and shadows, holding their arms stiffly against their sides, giving him quick narrow eyed glances from under their hoods. 

“I don’t like the look of that,” Usopp muttered. Sanji glanced at her, and that was a mistake. A faint spring wind had kicked up, blowing from down the hill and fluttered through Usopp’s hair, sending curls falling onto her forehead from the bandanna which she pushed back with delicate fingers. Her eyes shone with concern and her mouth was set into a firm line, but it was a beautiful portrait of determination and even reminding himself that it was Usopp didn’t seem to help much or keep the shitty grin from spreading over his face or the warmth spreading to his chest. He wanted to sing a shitty aria of love to that moment.

What a travesty it was to have to deny such a feeling! This was the Spring Time Love! He should be indulging and sweeping her out to a romantic picnic! Making daisy chains for her hair! Sipping sweet chilled wine under the stars on a perfect night for two as he leaned over and whispered romantic nothings in her ear to make her giggle and laugh. Then she would grin up at him, eyes sparkling and say: 

“Sanji…” Usopp said, right on cue and his heart went into double time. Was this a confession~? Here she was laying it right on his arm so he could feel it warm through his sleeve. Did she mean…? Had she grown a woman’s heart? Did it beat toward him? Part of him knew it wasn’t possible but the rest of him firmly kicked that idea in the ground as a wild hope flew on silvered wings. 

“Yees?” he crooned, ready to move the moon and the stars for one beat of her long eyelashes over eyes which were flat like the coming of the storm, her mouth skewed into an unbelieving frown as if he was acting incredibly stupid. Ah— her irritation was cute, too! But she was irritated. She didn’t have a woman’s heart she had Usopp’s heart which she— he was desperately trying to prove under a layer of bandages. Reliable. Reliable got it. 

“I mean, yes?” he said, a little shorter, trying to stand a little straighter and apologize with his eyes for his _faux pas_. Usopp just shook her head and held out her hand. 

“Give me the basket. I’ll give Robin her snack.” Then dipping her voice lower, she added: “You should get out of here.”

Sanji blinked. Get out of here? 

Usopp gestured down the hill. 

Sanji turned to see more of the women gathering down the road, there were more dark eyed looks, over in shadowed faces, and tense shoulders as if they were steeling themselves for a storm. _Don’t be afraid of me!_ He wanted to warble in a manly way. _I’m your prince! Your servant of love!_ He swallowed that compulsion as this situation was a little more shitty serious than declarations of love could fix. They probably wouldn’t believe it anyway. 

Sanji took a moment to light his cigarette so the growing anger in his gut wouldn’t show in his stance as he passed them. Any hint of aggression and they might react, even though it wasn’t directed at them. That was what people did when they were afraid and felt over their heads. 

“Got it,” Sanji said tightly, handing over the basket that held Robin’s snack and cursing the Merchant Pirates once again for taking away his alone time with the solemn dark haired beauty. Another thing he was going to kick their shitty heads in for. Usopp was watching him concerned but she said nothing, just gripped the handle of the basket in the curl of her calloused fingers. Sanji gave her a faint smile to try and tell her there was nothing to be worried about, but she didn’t look convinced.

He wasn’t either as he turned and made his way down the hill. The women eyed him warily as he went toward them. Sanji tried to angle away so he wouldn’t seem like a threat, but they seemed to move with him, as if they wanted to make sure he went to the harbor or else. It was so shitty sad. The stiff arms revealed poles and boards clutched in their white knuckled fists. They were ready to defend themselves with whatever they had. Which didn’t amount to a whole shitty lot. 

Sanji pretended not to notice. A particularly blocky girl gave a short step back as he came close, seeming to block the way of an older woman as if she were protecting her. It was cute, but there was something off about it. Hell there was something off about this whole damn thing. 

More to the point, it grated him. That these should suspect him was understandable, but he couldn’t leave their lovely presence without a word of defense of himself! At least so they could be reminded when this was all over that he was a shitty ladies’ man who had never meant them any harm. Unlike those Merchant bastards. So Sanji turned toward the blocky girl who might grow into her face but was younger and the last liable to send him into paroxysms of joy. 

“I mean no harm, madam…” moiselle, he had been going to say, but trailed off when he noticed the girl’s face was a little too blocky and her shoulders were a little too broad and there was the unmistakable sign of razor-burn on her face. He had the feeling that, unless this girl was particularly unfortunate in life… that this was no girl at all. 

“Ah—” Sanji froze, unsure of how to address shitty that and then everything happened in the flash of a second. He saw the woman tense and felt a bolt of fear not his own and then an instant flash of anger. A high voice called “ _Watch out_ ” somewhere behind and Sanji turned on the ‘watch’ only to be smacked in the temple by an entire shitty tree it felt like. He stumbled, falling to his knees as another club hit him in the shoulder and something that felt like a metal pole banged against his ribs. 

Shit, shit, shit! He curled his hands underneath him to protect them as the blows rained down on him. They weren’t the most intensely painful he’d ever gotten but they still hurt like a bitch and he tasted blood in his mouth. But what the hell did he _do_? There wasn’t even space between the blows to say he didn’t mean it but somehow their anger overwhelmed him. It wasn’t just shitty what he said but he knew their hearts were broken and furious and it was somehow his fault. 

“Oi, oi, oi! Stop it!” Usopp cried, and then angrily. “I said stop it!” 

The blows petered out and Sanji could breathe again. He coughed a bit and spat pale blood from where he’d accidentally bitten his tongue. He was about to move upward when oh those small heavenly hands rested on his shoulders and he could see the petite knees adorable on the ground directly beneath him, where his own shitty blood splatted on the dusty road. but what did that matter compared to the haven that dainty lap offered? 

“Sanji, are you alright?” Usopp said. Sanji let out a groan because he wasn’t alright and collapsed to the side which jarred his ribs and every breath felt like fire, but his aching blistering head was resting on the soft sanctity of her lap and so he tried to keep perfect composure so he wouldn’t want to bite his shitty tie in half for joy. 

“What are you hitting him for? He didn’t do anything!” Usopp snapped, well and truly pissed now and Sanji felt a rough bolt of affection for the sniper in both his genders. “He’s our nakama, not those merchant guys! He wasn’t going to hurt you!” 

“You say that now,” said a woman, her voice rough with emotion and hurt. “But we know where you’re going. You’re following the sea lanes to Mardus! We won’t give any more of our sons to him and—” her voice deepened. “We won’t let anyone go who sees what we’ve risked our lives to hide.” 

“Wh-what are you trying to say with such a scary voice?” Usopp said, clutching at Sanji’s shoulder a little too hard where a bruise was, but, ah, the shitty pains of love! He just wished it wasn’t…quite so painful. 

“Just this.” And there was the unmistakable click of the hammer being pulled back on on a pistol. It was time to act. Sanji briefly thanked the haven that was the soft lap for the brief shitty respite and rose to sit, squinting and blinking with still blurry vision to where the pistol was and maneuver himself between it and Usopp. 

“We plan to take down that shithead Mardus,” Sanji said evenly, though he knew by the cold look in the woman’s eyes that she wouldn’t believe him. He fought the urge to go for a shitty smoke figuring any sudden movement would lead her to shoot. And while it was a man’s pride to protect a woman with his shitty life if it came to it, he’d rather it not. Not here. Not now. Who the hell would manage to keep up with Luffy if he went like this? More importantly, she wasn’t a bad person. Just a frightened one protecting her own. His shitty blood shouldn’t be on her hands. 

“Yeah! We’re going to kick his ass so don’t worry about it,” Usopp said with a nervous laugh. Her eyes flickered to Usopp and back to Sanji, an unreadable expression on her face. 

“That’s impossible,” she said. “Don’t you think it’s been tried? As long as he holds our sons and husbands, no one can touch him.” Her shoulders slumped a little, some secret pain drawing her brows tight. One of the women murmured something to her but she shook her head and drew the pistol up again. “I’m sorry, but you must both die. You and your lover.” 

“Die?” Usopp squeaked.

“Lover?” Sanji echoed, the thrill going right through him like Conis-chwan’s harp strings. 

“Oi, don’t get any weird ideas!” Usopp snapped, whapping him on the head and making him see stars again. “We’re in a dangerous situation here!” 

“Your final situation,” the woman murmured, finger caressing the trigger. 

“Wait!” Sanji snapped, launching toward her even though he didn’t know what the hell he could do in such a short amount of time. The woman yelped. The pistol roared. Sanji flinched. There were cries of dismay all around and Sanji cautiously opened one eye. The pistol was pointed up by virtue of a hand growing from the center of the woman’s sternum and pushing at the butt of it. Weapons dropped all around and he saw other hands had grown, holding the womens’ wrists together. 

Sanji felt he could breathe again. That was a damn relief, though 

“Nice, Robin-chwan!” Sanji said, giving her the thumbs up. And ah, she looked so gorgeous standing there and had saved his shitty life and he owed her more than a thousand times and would give her massages whenever the request dropped from her perfect lips.

“Y-yeah… Great job…” Usopp said from where she was lying prostrate on the ground. “O…of course I had everything under control” though she couldn’t even stop her voice trembling to put any force behind that shitty lie. How adorable. Sanji tore his eyes from the heaving of her chest and fixed them on Robin-chan who stopped a short distance from them. 

“Oh did you?” she said lightly. “Well forgive my intrusion but I think our beloved Captain-san wouldn’t be happy if a bullet ripped through Cook-san’s skull.” 

She was…lovely…even when she was…morbid… Lovely as she was, though, Sanji allowed himself a full body shiver for that one and Usopp covered her face with her small hands. 

“I don’t want to think about it,” she moaned, sounding so morose that Sanji had to chuckle. 

“Let me go!” snapped the pistol woman, her voice so hard it wicked the laughter right out of him. She was struggling against Robin’s hands as the other women were but Robin’s grip was strong. “If you’d ever lost someone, you’d understand.” 

Robin’s smile twitched up a notch, but she said nothing. Right. Time for him to step in anyway. 

“We came here to help,” he said. “We’ll work with you to save your sons and husbands. If you give us a chance, madam, I promise you we will.” Even as he said it he felt in a way he was overstepping his bounds by making that promise. But it was what he felt he had to say, right from the heart of a man who lived to protect the hearts of women. Even if Luffy didn’t want to do it, Sanji would follow the course to their best interest to the shitty end.

The pistol woman stared stared at him, her eyes hard as before. Sanji frowned. She still didn’t believe him, not that he could shitty blame her— and he couldn’t make her believe him but… 

“If you think you can beat Mardus, then help us tonight!” one of the younger girls burst out. The pistol woman’s face twisted into something like fear. 

“Holly! Don’t!” the woman said. “No one has ever beaten Lockjaw!” 

“Lockjaw?” Sanji echoed. With a shitty name like that, he had to be a pirate. 

The girl, Holly, looked at him with deep green eyes then away, holding the boy tightly. The other women looked away, quiet and uneasiness welled up in Sanji’s gut. 

“He’s Mardus’ first in command,” the pistol woman said finally, her voice tight. “Every fortnight or so…” her jaw hardens. “He and his men come to collect. Our men or…” and here she shook her head, unable to go on. But it was alright.He shitty got it. “We had thought of making our last stand tonight…” 

“But you can help, right?” Holly-chan said, her eyes shimmering now and Sanji was about to spring to his feet and profess his undying offers of love and protection to these beautiful upset ladies but he had a feeling he’d just scare the hell out of them more than anything. Beautiful women should never be afraid of declarations of love! 

“Holly…” the pistol woman sounded even more tired than before. 

“If you’re going to beat Mardus then…then you have to meet with him anyway! Or it’ll…it’ll just start over…” 

Sanji was going to assure them but he saw Usopp getting up from where she’d been on the ground, fingers clenched in the legs over overalls. She looked adorable with her mouth firm and the smudge of dirt along her long nose, a tremble going through her. She was building herself up to something and then grinned, surprising even him. It was kind of like the sun coming out. 

“Yeah! We’ll help,no problem! We’re pretty strong after all!” 

The women watched her, looked at each other with raised eyebrows, clearly not believing it, but Sanji sat back, smoking and letting Usopp go to work as she braced herself leaning forward a bit, one hand on her leg and her finger pointing in the air. 

“It’s true! I’m the seas greatest sniper, defeater of Fishmen, Shichibukai and gods. I should tell you about it sometime! It’s a pretty cool story. But ah, these guys are almost as tough,” Usopp said, jerking a thumb at Sanji. “So you can believe in us.” It was so much like the usual Usopp that Sanji couldn’t help but grin. Some things didn’t change. They really shitty didn’t. 

“Yeah, glad we have you around,” he said, reaching forward and mussing Usopp’s bandanna to make him curse and bat his hands away and try to fix it as curls sproinged free everywhere. No, it was adorable! Must maintain manly companionship. A few smoke hearts floated away before he could stop them but fortunately no one seemed to notice. 

“And how many are there,” the pistol woman asked. Though Robin had let her go at some point, Sanji realized belatedly, because her hands were free and her pistol had been hidden again. “How many are there of you to help?” 

“Seven,” Usopp said. “But like I said we’re strong so it’s more like seven hundred.”

The women still looked skeptical and Usopp seemed ready to tell them more but the pistol women cut him off with a wave of her hand. 

“Do what you want. We obviously can’t stop you.” She raised her head, still full of pride. “But if you fail we won’t try and catch you.” And she turned her back on them, heading toward the water. As if on cue, the other women gathered around her and they began talking in low voices. Holly-chan and the boy, brother maybe? Remained watching them a little while longer with hopeful eyes. ‘Thank you,’ Holly-chan mouthed before turning to join the other women. 

As soon as they were out of earshot, Usopp made a woofing noise and deflated like a bad souffle. 

“Man, what a mess,” Usopp said, resting back on his hands, looking worn down as he always did after the effort of bravery left him. He puffed out a breath and looked at Sanji. “You okay?” 

For a moment Sanji had forgotten what these ladies had done, but they were kicks of love and so he decided his body didn’t mind them so much. After all it wasn’t as if they could really do any lasting harm. He grinned faintly.

“Shitty fine.” 

Usopp looked dubious and Sanji had a feeling Chopper would get involved soon enough, not that it bothered him. There was nothing wrong with making sure you were shitty healthy or wearing bandages, no matter what some lunkheads thought.

“ Robin’s shadow fell over them and he looked up at her, smoking hearts in dedication to her statuesque beauty which she either deigned not to notice or ignored but which nevertheless made his heart sing. She was resting her fingers against her jaw, eyes still shadowed by her dark hat and looked somewhat dangerous. A sight which thrilled him down to his shitty toes and he was probably swaying in place with love but who the hell cared? 

“Are you sure that’s alright?” she said in a low voice, glancing down at them. “Promising to help like that?” 

“Well, yeah of course. They need it right?” Usopp said. “We can’t just leave them alone after knowing this…” Ahh! Sparrow-chwan! So compassionate! So big hearted! He would fight any cause in the world for her~~!

“And Captain-chan?” Robin tilted her head to the side, though it seemed like a serious question to him. There was still a gap between them all, even if it was closing day by day. One day they would be hand in hand~ mweheehee Sanji pushed the love days to the side for the moment, however regretably, and stood, helping Usopp up as well absently. 

“Luffy will be fine. If Usopp wants to do it, he won’t have a problem.” 

“Yeah, but it isn’t because of me,” Usopp said, pulling her hand away as soon as she was on her feet and shoving her hands into her pockets. For a moment she looked tense, but then she grinned. 

“It’s just because he’s a good guy like that.” 

“He is…” Robin said, sounding faintly amused an when he looked up at her saw a small smile on her face. Was it just him or did the shadows leave her eyes a little? Was her stance straighter? Certainly her beauty was enhanced but that just got better hour by shitty hour! 

Suddenly something occurred to him, she had come from the temple, hadn’t she? Had she found anything? He almost didn’t want to ask. He still wasn’t sure what news he wanted to hear and which he’d rather not. Still, it was going to come out sooner or later so: 

“Find anything out up there, Robin-chan?” he said, tilting his head templeward as he relit his cigarette. 

“Hmm.” She pressed her lips together in thought and he tried not to be utterly shitty enchanted by it. “Perhaps,” she said. That seemed all the light she intended to shed on the matter as she started past him toward the ship. But that was allright. Her mystery was beautiful, too, and Sanji was in love. 

 

****

Sanji chewed on the unlit cigarette watching two ships, one badly damaged, come limping into the harbor. It was a quiet night, awash with stars and lit by a full moon which meant that everyone could see each other clearly. He was nervous as hell. It wasn’t like these guys were going to be much of a problem.Or at least, not a new problem. That damaged ship was from them so at least some of these guys would, hopefully, be too chicken shit for round two. But the first ship…. Damn it was big. Sanji tried not to be too shitty worried about it, or how many men it would hold. Tried, too, telling himself that if his ribs hurt and his head was pounding it was the pain of love and he should be happy. After this battle he was pretty damn sure he’d be ecstatic. 

Ten of the leading women of the town, including the mayor , stood on the land side of the quay as representatives, pistols hidden in their long loose clothing or poles or bats or bits of wood hidden behind their backs. These ladies were standing on the front lines, preparing to fight their hearts out for their men. There was something shitty beautiful about that. That they would put their lives on the line…and he was all for that, letting them speak with their own voice and their own courage against the bastards that would take them down. 

Even knowing this and agreeing with it he had to fight the urge to go stand in front of them, challenging any bastard who wanted to lay a single solitary shitty finger on them that they had to go through him first. The fact that Usopp was hanging onto his sleeve tightly helped a little. 

The ships were coming ever closer, the broken one looking not as broken as he would have liked and in the lantern light he could see smudges of their hard angry faces. The line of women tensed. Sanji ground down on his cigarette. Beside him Usopp swallowed and tugged hard on his sleeve.

“Stop that!” she hissed. Sanji realized he’d started to meet them once again and stepped back into the shadow, cursing under his breath. He tried to distract himself. Focus on his nakama and try to mentally place them. And making sure they were damn well in place.  
Sanji sought them out, squinting to see them even in the relative brightness. There was Luffy perched on the roof of a nearby house, peering down, not even bothering to hide very well but thankfully no one really looked up if they didn’t suspect anything. Even in the moonlight, Sanji couldn’t tell Luffy had been transformed. He sat crouched, hands on his knees, peering downward. Even though Sanji couldn’t make out his expression he knew that it was flat, watching.  
Zoro was peering out of an alley on the other side of the street, pointed in the right direction thankfully, but Sanji couldn’t see any more of him than the hint of a boot and the suggestion of a shadow. Asshole thought he looked cool lurking all badass. Sanji would show him a thing or two about lurking that would make him look like a shitty amateur!  
The dark and mysterious Robin-chan was completely hidden, because she was perfect and brilliant in every way, and with Nami and Chopper back guarding the Merry, hopefully they would remain out of shitty harm’s way.  
“I think I want to go back to the ship,” Usopp whispered, distracting him. Her fingers clenching into Sanji’s sleeve harder and Sanji imagined her knuckles were pale under the strain. “I feel an onset of if-I-have-to-fight-those-jerks-one-more-time-I’ll-definitely-die disease.”  
“Don’t worry,” Sanji whispered with a grin, giving her a thumbs up before jabbing his thumb at himself. “Your prince is looking after you.” Instead of a gratified smile, her lips dipped in a frown. 

“Why can’t you ever say that when I’m a guy?” 

Well, okay, that was more irritation than any hushed sparkling, but that was cute, too.  
“Because I’m a man just made for the ladies,” Sanji said compulsively. Which was true. But it was also true that he would come and save ManSopp’s scrawny ass if he absolutely had to. He had a lot of confidence in Usopp’s ability to save himself, or at least survive through the sheer hell that was learning to take his knocks. It was kind of shitty impressive really.

Saying any of this would hardly reassure her and Sanji cast about for some way to do it when a though occurred to him. Or more likely rose up and settled like a bubble of blood in the back of his throat. Woman or not, Usopp was still Usopp.. And for… him to keep progressing… Sanji clutched at his shirt, leaning heavily against the wall, hearing Usopp’s cute gawp of alarm behind him. Ahh, sweetsopp, ahh forgive him! But the only way he could see Usopp progressing was to…to fight on her own. To be reliable her prince had to be unreliable in all the ways he didn’t want to be.

Why did they have to be women? He knocked his fist against the wall. Why? Why?  
“Sanji! Are you alright?” Usopp said, grabbing at him. “Hey!”  
“I’m fine,” he choked out. Somehow he managed to straighten after saying that. “I’ve shitty changed my mind, that’s all.”  
“You’ve what?” her voice trembled, like the trembling wings of a nervous butterfly whose stalwart companion had left her to fend for herself in the wide, cruel, world who didn’t care for all her shitty beauty. But he couldn’t let that get to him. Usopp would be fine. Usopp was always fine. Maybe they wouldn’t even need any bandages this time!  
“You can handle this,” Sanji said, wanting to set a cool trustworthy image, lightly smirking, bathed in moonlight with bangs stirred by a scented wind that coiled the smoke from his cigarette romantically in the evening air. “I believe in you.”  
“Stop coughing blood as you say that!” Usopp snapped, whapping him on the shoulder. “That’s not reassuring at all!”  
Sanji straightened, offering Usopp a quick tight grin before shoving a cigarette in his mouth, his hands in his pockets and running quick time through the shadows to another hiding spot. He felt as if he was leaving his shitty heart behind but it had to be done.  
The assholes had moored now, gangplanks clunking onto the quay with a thick wet sound, ropes being pulled to keep them from floating away, though it wouldn’t do a damn thing to stop the one broken ship from slowly sinking as it was. Served the bastards right. Even if it wasn’t enough.  
The men began to pour off the gangplank and someone sucked in a short breath. Sanji startled a little and looked over. There was the kid. The boy. Cedar. Peering around the corner on the opposite side of the building. There was no mistaking him for anything but a boy now, even though his thick knuckles were white around the length of rusty pole he was holding. Sanji couldn’t blame him. He turned away from the sight of the shore, deeper in the shadows, to light a match and get the boy’s attention without startling him too much.

Cedar jolted anyway and raised his pole, blinking at Sanji for a few seconds in the uncertain light of the alleyway before lowering it again. Sanji offered him a grin before bringing the match to his cigarette, since it was already there, and taking a calming drag.He leaned back against the wall, still hidden in the shadow and watched the assholes as they kept coming. Twenty. Thirty. Thirty-five. Scantily armed but damned hungry looking for something other than food. He would serve them pain instead, he decided. As much as they could stomach, and then some.  
His heart sunk a little as he saw a small group of women come down the gangplank, bristling with weapons, their heads held high and their faces…eager. It was a shitty complication was what it was— but thankfully there weren’t many of them.  
“Who are they?” he murmured to Cedar. Hoping that they were captives and then quashing that thought immediately. He wouldn’t wish that shitty fate on anyone. The boy shook his head. 

“They come to gather up the men,” Cedar said. “Because…guys don’t like to fight them…” Cedar swallowed and Sanji could hear his fingers moving rust flakes from the pole. “I don’t know why they’re here tonight. Unless…” But he just shook his head. That didn’t really matter. They’d— someone would have to kick their beautiful asses anyway.

“Don’t worry about the ladies,” Sanji murmured. “And these guys are shitty has-beens, we can take them easy.” 

The boy nodded, a faint smile coming to his face that quickly dropped away. Sanji looked over his shoulder to see the men lining up in front of the women, about two feet away, some of them grinning, some of them not. Tension on both sides as if they were waiting for something. Sanji wished something would happen. That the bastards would make one wrong move, or move at all, or take a rubber fist to the jaw from an impatient captain. 

But there was no such shitty thing. Instead the gangplank creaked and a huge guy stepped out onto the quay, with a large mace at his back and several pistols crammed into a bandoleer at his side. Probably shitty Lockjaw given the strap that looped around his head, holding his jaw in place. Beside him the big shithead of a swordsman who had cut Zoro’s shirt open the last time. Seemed like the asshole needed another lesson in manners. Sanji cursed under his breath and tried to keep himself from tapping his foot impatiently against the ground. 

Lockjaw’s men parted for him and then closed ranks behind him as he faced the defiant women, no fear glinting in their hard eyes, but their hands tight on their weapons. 

“Mffmfmfm?” Lockjaw said, or something like it. From this distance it was hard to tell what the hell he said and judging by the puzzled looks on the ladies faces, they didn’t know either. 

“Seduction?” said the asshole swordsman. Lockjaw elbowed him and muffled it again. 

“Sedition!” said the asshole swordsman, snapping his fist into his palm, then turning once more to the women, leered at them with a hand on the pommel of his sword. “Are you babes being seditious?” 

“Damn right we are!” said Holly from somewhere in the background and Sanji couldn’t help but grin. Cedar gave a little puff of a laugh. 

“We will no longer be your puppets or under your thumb,” the mayor said, boldy pointing her plank of wood at the assembled pirates. Then she and the other ladies drew their arms across their chests and in one smooth motion, pulled off the brown coarse cloaks they had been wearing to reveal outfits of deep green. “As the last remaining members of the Green Tree Pirates, we will reclaim our own.” 

It was great shitty showmanship and Sanji half wanted to cheer and half wanted to noodle over to them and shower them with the excessive praise they so richly deserved. He restrained himself, however, partly kept in check by being startled. Green Tree Pirates? The same ones that Eba-san had lost? Did she know they were here? Did they know about her? He would have to ask before all this was over. If they were the same group, he couldn’t let them go on thinking that they were separated. 

“Mrf mrf mrf!” laughed Lockjaw. “Mf mf mf mf—” 

“I can’t understand you if you talk so fast,” asshole swordsman grumbled. “Basically you broads are going to get it.” 

“Get this!” the mayor snapped, lunging forward in a graceful movement and smacking Lockjaw across the face with the board. It was a strong hit, enough to make the guy twist to the side and nearly fall over. His own crew took a giant step back as if they expected something to happen, but Lockjaw just straightened again, fixing fierce eyes on her. 

“Mmfmf mf,” Lockjaw muttered, reaching up to the strap. 

“Oh hell,” the asshole swordsman said. 

“Everyone South by Southwest!” cried a reedy voice from the Merchant Pirate side. Almost as one they turned and Sanji tensed as Lockjaw tugged the strap free and opened his mouth full of rotting teeth. 

“Lusty Breathhh.” He exhaled and almost immediately the mayor clapped a hand over her mouth, staggering back. The other women reeled backwards, too and Holly went to her knees, tears sparking in her eyes. That was it. Sanji couldn’t just stand by anymore and let them suffer like that! 

He sucked in a breath to call the guy a shit eating asshole, prepared to charge out of the shitty alleyway to face him, and immediately wished he hadn’t as the smell hit him full in the face. It was almost like a physical blow it was so bad. Sanji clapped a hand over his mouth and nose and tried not to wretch. It was like a thousand cesspits. Food waste rotting for a few months under a hot noon day sun. 

“AHH! It’s gross!” Luffy cried from his perch and there was the sound of sliding roofing. But Sanji couldn’t look to see because his eyes were watering so badly from the stench alone. He took another step. A third. He would save the ladies! He had to! They would continue their fight with dignity if he could just kick this guy’s jaw up into his cranium and give him a taste of his own shitty medicine. 

“Like that, do you?! Mf mf mf mf mf!” said Lockjaw, breathing heavily on the mayor who shuddered but didn’t fall even as she twisted away, unable to shitty bear it. _Just hold on!_ he thought desperately at her, willing her to understand somehow. _Your prince is on his way!_

The mayor swatted at him again but he grabbed the board and leaned in, putting his disgusting mug so close to her face that it made Sanji’s blood boil. He staggered forward as Lockjaw sucked in a breath, willing himself to go even faster to protect her from what was t dis o come. 

“PEBBERMINT DAR!” Usopp’s voice came falling from above, lovely as a sparrow. Sanji couldn’t track whatever she’d shot but all that mattered was that Lockjaw was knocked flat on his ass, choking on whatever their sniper shot down his maw. Sanji turned to give Usopp a thumbs up and found her standing tall on the rooftop with what looked like cotton shoved up her nose. Usopp’s figure was smaller than he was used to but still Usopp in every way that counted. As if knowing he was watching, Usopp straightened, pointing at them. 

“A sbell libe that ib ab indult to dis proud dose!” she cried. “Dow you’ll thid twide before medding wid Capdain—” Then she yelped and ducked out of the way right before a hail of pistol fire shot up the roof she’d been standing on. Those bastards! Sanji whirled in place just as the mayor shouted: 

“Now!” and the women charged, weapons and pistols brandished. 

“Let’s get these bastards!” Sanji said to Cedar, charging just behind the women and, kicking one Merchant Pirate shithead in the face so hard he took out about ten of his nakama on the way back, skipping like a bloated stone.The thump of the impact made him grin, but there was no time to focus on it. These women were strong fighters, no doubt, but overshittywhelmed by the sheer numbers. 

“Holly!” Cedar shouted. Sanji dropped his heel from where he whipkicked a guy into the ground and sought out the girl or the kid. He found Cedar first, rushing toward some fat asshole that looked like a baked potato who had Holly lifted in the air by her shirtfront. Sanji cursed and followed close behind Cedar, watching him inexpertly try to get a shorter man out of his way by swinging the pole wildly at his midsection. The man blocked it and yanked the pole out of Cedar’s hands, grinning. There was no blocking Sanji’s foot to his shitty face though, which sent him hard into the ground. . A knot of men were coming at them from the side, but Sanji heard “GUM GUM NO” and had the presence of mind to yank Cedar out of the way just before Luffy plowed into the Merchant Pirates at full strength. Cedar’s eyes widened. 

“What is she?” he asked breathlessly. Sanji grinned fondly as Luffy sent men flying left and right. 

“A rubber man.” 

Cedar looked at him with a raised eyebrow but a rip grabbed their attention and Sanji looked up to see Holly thrown to the side as Zoro attacked the fat potato man who had held her, blades flashing. But Zoro himself was interrupted by the asshole swordsman who nearly cut off the potato man’s hands trying to get to him. The crash of blades rang through the air and sparks slid off the steel and Zoro was driven back effortlessly, boots digging furrows in the dirt. Sanji tried not to look too hard at the sleeveless shirt she wore or the straining smooth muscles of her arms. 

The potato man growled a curse at the asshole swordsman, who didn’t even seem to be paying attention, and went after Holly again who was scrambling to get her pole which had fallen to the ground. Cedar hurried to help her and Sanji was about to go as well when the asshole swordsman spoke: 

“Here to give me another show, babyface?” the asshole swordsman said. Zoro’s face went red and Sanji nearly bit his tie. _Don’t blush!_ he wanted to say. _It will only make it worse!_ It was too cute for one shitty thing and for another just let the asshole know he was winning. But saying anything like that would only make Zoro’s blush worsen. It didn’t help that the asshole kept aiming for the center of her chest with downward swipes and Zoro was trying to fend them off, teeth clenched though only fighting with two swords as if she was trying to retain some stubborn pride which he normally found shitty idiotic but now he couldn’t help but see as noble and majestic that bastard. It was all he could do himself not to step in the middle of that fight, kick the asshole swordsman back and demand that he treat Zoro with respect. It didn’t work that way. Nothing shitty did. But to see her struggling so much…

But reliable. He had to be reliable. 

“She’s not the only one with a pretty pair!” said the potato man with an acid laugh. Holly was on the ground, head down, grabbing onto her pole as Cedar stood over her in nervous protection. Her shirt had been ripped half off and it was almost like she was trying to hide herself. 

“Don’t be so shy,” said the asshole swordsman, knocking Zoro back a good two to three feet with a hefty swipe of his blade. “Show us your tits!” 

The potato bastard laughed and began to chant: “Show us your tits!” 

The asshole swordsman joined him and soon others of the Merchant Pirates did too so that the battle was practically a standstill, some of the Merchant women joining in as well. The only break in the chant was the occasional grunt or scream from where Luffy hadn’t stopped fighting yet. Sanji didn’t care about that shit, let Luffy knock them all down if he wanted to. This potato faced asshole was his. He braced his feet, shoulders angling. 

“Holly!” the mayor cried, anguished and Sanji gritted his teeth against the filter of his cigarette, heat stirring inside him which burned almost as hot as the fires of love. 

“Oi,” he snarled through his teeth. He wanted the potato bastard to see the shoe that dented his face to the back of his skull. But the man didn’t hear him over the noise as Holly lifted her head, sweeping her short hair back, her eyes glittering with defiance. 

“You want to see them?!” she snapped. “Go ahead and _look_.” She let go of her shirt to grab the pole in both hands and hammer it up between the potato guy’s legs. Sanji flinched at the noise and the reverberation of the iron which seemed to reflect in the potato guy’s agonized howl. The bastard deserved every inch of it and more but Sanji couldn’t help but feel a surge of shitty sympathy anyway.

Holly stood, clipping the potato guy across the jaw with her pole to send him sprawling, and then banging the butt of the weapon against the ground, raising her chin.

“So you can see my breasts? Who cares!” She spit on the ground. “That won’t stop me from kicking your ass!” 

Sanji froze as a certain realization hit him. Told himself not to look down. Under no circumstances to not look shitty down. Even when something so perfect was just a glance away. But he was reliable. Shitty reliable. If he went— if he lost— no one would ever speak to him shitty again and he couldn’t say he wouldn’t deserve it even if it was a man’s pride… But this was a woman’s shitty honor and he wouldn’t spoil it by even shitty tempting himself.

“She’s right,” echoed the mayor. “Shall we show them what they came for ladies?” 

And then something wonderful happened. Something horrible. Something amazing enough to send him to heaven, and to knock him to squirming hell. It was exquisite in both joy and pain and Sanji dragged his focus to the middle distance even as he heard the sound of clothes, the startled exclamations of men and then pained sounds as the women began fighting once more. Even hoots of ‘come this way, baby’ were met with solid thunks or shots or reverberations of metal and howls.

Sanji was left with the shitty pathetic knowledge that he… he wanted to fight them, too. No… No, how could he even think that? Of course he wouldn’t raise a single foot against them but to see them charging for him, delicious murder in their firey eyes as their… as their… as the… exquisite…forms…released… rose and…fell and…

 _Think about something shitty else!_ he told himself frantically and pinned his eyes on the first man he could find. Of course it was the asshole swordsman, or rather the back of him and Sanji could see Zoro’s face clearly. Not even the moonlight could blur the feminine lines of it. She was watching the others, head turned a bit, a waiting, thinking look that Sanji knew could either mean something (adorably) idiotic or (surprisingly) smart. 

“Aren’t you going to join your friends?” the asshole swordsman said with a chuckle. And then something shifted. Sanji couldn’t put it into words except that Zoro relaxed somehow, but became more alert. She looked back at the asshole swordsman, earrings swinging with the slight motion and glinting with gold moonlight. 

“Nah,” she said with a smirk that pounded a nail of something Sanji didn’t even want to shitty identify straight through the top of his skull and down through the soles of his feet. Zoro shifted and lifted the red hilted blade, pointing it at the asshole. “But I’m still going to kick your ass.” 

And then she attacked, hard and fast, blocking every strike that the asshole swordsman could throw at her, using the power of her legs and quicker reaction time to even anticipate where the strikes might fall, at least as far as Sanji could understand. Someone was yodeling mellorine mellorine ecstatically at the top of their lungs and Sanji faintly realized it must be him even as he felt himself waving his arms at the pure joy of watching a gorgeous woman kicking ass and sweating lightly in the moonlight. It wasn’t just her, though. It was everything he’d been holding back for the past few shitty moments and if anyone could understand it would be Zoro, right? _Right?_

Zoro sent him an annoyed glance under thick lashes that struck through Sanji like a hurricane dart of love. Then her eyes widened out of shock and concern which sent a different thrill through him, and she knocked the asshole swordsman back long enough to yell:

“Behind you, you perverted idiot!” 

Sanji turned in floaty bliss, seeing two men bearing down on him with blades drawn. The sakura petal haze of love hadn’t even faded long enough for him to react before Luffy shot up behind and cracked their heads together, sending them slumping to the ground— and Sanji was lost again.

Luffy…

Captain-chwan… 

Had cutely decided to join in the fun and had her shirt tucked into her back pocket like a charming red flag of seduction. Sanji stared at it. He didn’t dare look up. He couldn’t. Things would be changed forshittyever. Yes he had seen her once in the morning when he’d been half awake but here, sweating with battle, hands on her hips, a grin on her face and breathing just a little hard in and out and up and down and in and out and up and down and he could see her navel now. They weren’t shitty bad were they? He just… He just shitty wanted to… the line of her stomach and the contraction of her abs with her breathing, sheened with persperation. 

“These guys are easy,” Luffy —Captain-chwan said sounding adorably pouty and Sanji wanted to cry.

“Put your shirt back on!” Zoro snapped and there was more clanging of metal as Sanji’s eyes started to travel upward without him to settle just under the arc of her breast bone, a shudder went through him and he could feel the pressure building in hishead. This might shitty kill him but what a way to go. 

“Then get out of here,” Zoro said. “The idiot can’t focus!” 

“Oh, okay! Sorry!” Luffy said, and was gone in an instant before he could glimpse those forbidden peaks. 

“ _Marimo Shithead!_ ” Sanji snapped, wanting to give him a good kick to the head only it was a her and he checked himself before he even got his foot off the ground. 

“Shut up and fight, damnit!” 

Right…right. Fighting. Reliable. Sanji turned in place, wobbling a little, trying to find some men to kick down and getting caught with flashes of flesh here…and there… and trying not to look to hard at any shitty one, feeling as weak as cooked noodles by even the prospect of…accidentally catching a glimpse. He couldn’t help it if was shitty accidental, could he? 

No that was shitty horrible for what these women were trying to do. 

Why couldn’t they have fought them instead? Why? 

No…focus! Fighting! Be shitty reliable. He squinted, trying to block out anything but what was right in front of him and managed to concasse a tall guy built like a beer barrel into oblivion. He landed neatly, fished for a cigarette and tried to tell himself when he heard soft feminine laughter and his heart stopped.

Oh no. 

Not them…

But yes it was them. 

The Merchant Pirate ladies who were drifting toward him. Clothed and bruised a little but gorgeous and weaponed. His body took a wavering step toward them no matter how much he tried to resist it. He was supposed to fight them… right? For some reason? Their eyes widened in alarm and they held up delicate hands. 

“Kyaa!” They said in cute voices that made him want to get on his hands and knees and bless and curse whatever shitty god had made this his life. “Please don’t hurt us!” 

“I would never hurt anyone as charming as you~~” he wiggled at them helplessly, hearts falling into weary heaps at his feet. They laughed. Ah! A laugh! How long had he heard a happy laugh from a feminine mouth~! He wanted to make them laugh again! Surround himself with their calling voices!

“Will you come with us then?” said a redhead, batting her eyes coyly. 

“Please, Mr. Eyebrow?” said a brunette, holding out her hands.

“I’m all yours~~” he sang, spinning toward them, unable to stop the storm of love. Forgive him Nami-swan, Robin-chwan, Captain-chwan, Sparrow-chwan, and idiot swordsman who should be a man and not a woman with big soft pillows of love that could only be Summer-chwan!

They laughed again, raising their arms, raising weapons. He laughed again, knowing he should fight but too carried away to even think of such a thing. 

Arms grew out of their bodies and then long fingered hands that smelled familiarly of flowers covered his eyes just before he heard the faint crunch and cries that came with a clutch. 

He was just… 

He was just going to shitty go with it for now. That was what he was going to do. 

Robin-chwan was amazing and had saved him yet again only now he was shitty blinded in the middle of a pitched battle. 

“Don’t worry,” she said, reassuringly, and he thought he felt lips tickle his ear but tried not to think about that too much because he was also sure he’d die if he did from sheer bliss. “I’m sending someone for you.” 

Sanji could only whimper. Words had shitty left him. Nearly everything had. Was this all the reliability he had? Was this as much as he was capable of? There was a high pitched curse and a small, callused hand grabbed his and began to tug him forward at a fast pace. 

Still without words, Sanji could only give a questioning whimper. 

“It’s me,” Usopp said and Sanji’s heart thrilled that they were holding hands but fortunately he was too focused on trying to run without seeing anything to yodel his love for her full tilt.

Instead another questioning whimper. 

“ _No I didn’t take my shirt off! Are you crazy?!_ ” 

Oh. 

Well it was probably for the best. Wasn’t it? Yes. Yes it was.

They came to a stop so sudden that Sanji almost had to hop to keep his balance. In the near distance he could hear a woman fighting with all her strength, complete with the clashing of metal and pistol shots. Usopp swallowed and she and another somewhat familiar voice said: 

“Woah.” 

“I didn’t know old ladies were supposed to look like that,” said the mystery voice which Sanji recognized as Cedar. 

“Yeah…” Usopp said faintly. Then, with more confidence: “That’s nothing. I met this lady that was a hundred and forty years old and she _kyaaa!_ ” 

The petite scream made Sanji’s nostrils flare and the weariness drop away, revving him up for another round of throwing himself into the abyss of love, but somehow he restrained himself, even though it felt every shitty muscle in his body was strung with tension. 

“Okay, okay I’m going! Don’t pinch me there!” 

Robin-chwan must have done it! A kind of laugh came from him that he didn’t know he was capable of which ended in a funny sort of squeak only because they’d started running again. But he didn’t care. He was too giddy to shitty care. 

“Is he okay?” Cedar said. 

“Yeah.” Usopp sighed heavily. “It’s a Sanji thing. Don’t worry about it.” 

Forgive him, Sparrow-chwan, to always have to say that! It was all too much! Everything was soft and feminine and he didn’t know what to do with his shitty self!

He tried to make a damn impression at least, running along a little behind instead of shitty floating everywhere, recognizing when they left the hard packed earth and onto the wood of the quay. They were heading toward the shitty boats then? One must have sunken by now. They ran up the hollow trembling of the gangplank.

“In here!” Cedar said. “Mom said we have to look for a map!” 

They were running across a deck now. A door opened, closed and the hands disappeared from his eyes in a burst of petals. Sanji blinked, letting his eyes become accustomed to the dimness. It was a weapons room of some sort, full of Merchant Pirates. All men. 

“Well that’s a shitty relief,” Sanji said, fishing out a cigarette. 

“Right?” Usopp said. Then at the same time they smacked the air with the back of their hands and snapped: 

“This isn’t what I wanted to see at all!” 

"Are you a comedy duo or something?" Cedar said in a weird voice. Sanji ignored him because thinking about himself as part of a pair of anything with Usopp right now was a shitty bad idea. Instead he casually stepped away from the door, lighting his cigarette and tossing the match carelessly over his shoulder before putting his hands in his pockets and watching the Merchant Pirate men cooly. They eyed him back with suspicion and a few got weapons off the walls. It was going to be a tough fight, but he could take them no shitty problem. 

“Who the hell are you?” one of the Merchant Pirates asked. Sanji pinched the cigarette from his lips and lowered his head, blowing a stream of smoke from his mouth before smirking.

“Your worst nightmare.” 

****

Shit, but he was tired. Sanji stood over the makeshift grill someone had built up, blearily turning over fruit kebabs and occasionally a spit of meat to fill the endless stomach of their rubber shitty captain. There were drinks, too. But fortunately, Usopp and Robin were manning those, handing cups out to tired battered but proud women. It wasn’t much of a shitty celebration, he supposed, but they both had places to go. 

For right now, Zoro, Luffy and Chopper were helping to haul the remaining Merchant Pirates to the sinking ship, with a thought to push it into the current and where it would hopefully get stuck on the shitty island next door and out of sight where there were nothing but plants, animals and impossibly vicious currents. That would take care of them for a little shitty while at least.

The other women, some of the grandmothers who had joined in the second wave, were sitting around eating and drinking quietly, laughing occasionally as if they couldn’t believe their luck. Celebration or no, there was definite relief and hope in the air. He tried and failed to contain a yawn, then smiled at an old lady who nervously asked if she could have another. 

“Have as much as you want,” he said, offering her a shiskebab on a plate and she smiled, wrinkles forming around eyes so green she must have struck men dead with heartattacks in her younger days. He heard someone come up beside him and warmed as he saw Nami, caught in the glow of the firelight, holding a mug of cool cider in her hands. 

“This is a mess,” she said with a faint sigh, but it was more of a comment then actually being angry with it. She was pleased with the outcome, he knew. It was in her to save people like this from people like that, no matter what she and her nakama had to go through to do it. It was one of the many many shitty reasons he loved her without end. 

“Don’t worry, Nami-swan. We’ll kick that shithead in the face and be on our way.” 

“Mm,” she said, taking a sip from her mug. “The sooner the better.” 

He agreed with her. This was getting hard for the heart. He tried not to think how much he’d shitty have to get used to it, but he would, unless they managed to find a cure somewhere. But that was for thinking about when he didn’t want to fall over on his shitty face. Everything that he’d managed to forget ache was coming back in full force and he just wanted to sling himself into a hammock and sleep. 

Nami chuckled and when Sanji looked at her, she gestured shipward with her chin. He glanced and smiled himself, some of the tiredness falling away. Luffy was coming toward the makeshift grill, arms dragging on the ground, mouth open, ‘Sanji I’m hungry’ written all over her face. Precious idiot. Zoro came up behind her, rolled her eyes and picked Luffy up by the midsection, holding their captain close to her hip. 

It was strange but Sanji was actually getting used to Zoro being shitty shaped like that. It was hard not to over time. Not even the bulky haramaki hid her figure and the scooped neck of the tank top, while it didn’t show anything (which he wasn’t sure whether to be shitty relieved about or not) definitely gave her a more feminine cut. 

“Cook, booze,” she said. 

“Over here, Swordsman-san” Robin called. Zoro grunted and held Luffy up, Sanji lifted the meat from the grill, making sure it had cooled well enough before popping it into Luffy’s waiting mouth which closed like a steel trap and Zoro continued on her way. Nami shook her head but couldn’t hide her smile. 

Chopper came next, tired, too, though probably because it was so shitty late—followed by the Mayor and Holly carrying a sleeping Cedar on her back. Sanji gave a fruit kebab to Chopper who took it and then promptly popped into his small form, leaning against Sanji’s leg to eat it in slow bites.

The mayor smiled at them tiredly as he offered her a plate and shook her head. 

“I’m not hungry,” she said. “But thank you…” She took a deep breath and let it out. “I mean it. We couldn’t have done this without you.” 

“It’s what we do,” Nami said with a blase shrug. “I can’t stop these idiots for nothing.” 

She was so cute. Sanji’s hips shifted a little in love but he was distracted by offering Holly a kebab after she’d set her brother on the ground. She grinned at him, her cheeks dimpling and he couldn’t help but smile back. 

“Nevertheless, we owe you,” the mayor said. “Not only have you saved this town… with this map….” She touched the rolled map tucked behind her belt. “We’ll be able to find our men, and free them if we can…” 

“And visit Eba-san?” Sanji asked casually, wondering what would come of it. It was probably none of his shitty business… but…damnit he couldn’t not say anything. Holly just blinked but the color fled from the mayor’s face and she looked away, then back at him. 

“Did she send you?” the mayor asked, her voice tight, but not with anger, he thought. Something else. Something deep and painful. He shook his head. 

“We met her. She mentioned you.” 

The mayor laced her fingers together and looked at them, seeming to be thinking about something, her jaw working. Then she let out a long breath. 

“Holly please take Cedar to the house, will you?” the mayor said. 

“But, Mom!” 

“Please…” the mayor said. Holly looked between them, then sucked in her lip and did as she was told, helping Cedar onto her back before making the slow way up the hill to her home. The mayor watched them go, something sad and distant in her eyes. As soon as the door closed, she turned back to them. Sanji busied himself in making another kebab, just for something to do with his hands and to give her some space. 

“I won’t explain it,” the mayor said softly. “It’s our affair alone… But you should leave now. You’ve done enough. We can rescue our men and that’s all we need. Going after Mardus…” The woman shook her head. 

“It’s not up to me. That guy decides where we go.” And he jerked his thumb at where Luffy was lying with his chin on Zoro’s knee and a bone sticking out of his mouth. “And he’s already promised to give the guy a good shitty kick to the head.” 

“No,” the mayor said fiercely. “Mardus…I can’t explain it… He has… a charm…” her face flushed, but somehow he didn’t find it cute at all. The mayor wrung her fingers together. “And that is why Captain…” the Mayor squeezed her eyes tightly shut and corrected herself with a steadying breath. “Why Eba-san can’t ….why we can’t meet her again…” 

“But…” Sanji started. Surely whatever had happened couldn’t be that bad. He was not one to doubt the words of a woman but there was something missing. The mayor put up a hand to stop him and he swallowed the words back for now. She looked tired to even be speaking of it. 

“Don’t. Please. Now, as I said you have done a great deal for us and we owe you. We never part without repaying our debts.” She reached into her pocket and took out something that looked like a walnut shell with a golden wire hinge keeping it together. “It isn’t much..” She frowned. “More history than value. It sat in the temple’s shrine for a hundred years. It was the only thing the elders could save before Mardus…” The mayor shook her head again. “Anyway we want you to have it. From our hearts.” 

“I’ll treasure it forever!” Sanji said with probably more enthusiasm than he should have. But such a gift from the heart! It didn’t matter what was inside! Even if nothing was there he could feel the weight of their love in his hands! The mayor raised her eyebrows and paused mid-reach, the walnut still in her hand. 

“Unfortunately we’re pirates,” Nami said blithely, nudging Sanji out of the way. “We take beri or nothing.” 

Keep your treasures, she was saying. We don’t want anything from this kind of justice. Amazing Nami-san! Generous Nami-san! He would treasure her more than anything else in the world forever! Who couldn’t fall in love with such a force of nature! 

“Please, we insist, for or own honor,” the mayor said. Then with a faint smirk. “And if it’s beri you wish…” She pried open the shell with short fingernails and despite her grandiose gesture earlier, Nami leaned forward eagerly. And then Sanji did. Because what was sitting inside the walnut shell was a single fugu berry. 

It was a one in a million strike! It had to be shitty good luck, didn’t it?! The thing they had been waiting for! 

“What do you know about that thing?” Nami asked, by the tension of her shoulders she recognized it as well. The mayor’s eyes widened.

“Nothing much… Just that it was sacred to whomever lived in the temple.” She hesitated,then added. “Eba-san could probably tell you more…” 

Nami deflated a bit but Sanji wasn’t ready to give up just shitty yet. 

“If it’s for your honor, we’ll take it,” Nami said, accepting the walnut and then passing it to Sanji. “But come on, we need to figure out how to get that ship out into the current.” 

“Now?” the Mayor asked. Nami nodded, set her mug to the side and grabbed her climatact. The mayor seemed a bit puzzled but followed and soon the women were walking side by side toward the ship, illuminated in tired moonlight. He had a feeling Nami had more to say to the woman about what was going on, but that would take care of its shitty self. Right now, he had something worth more than gold sitting in his palm. 

He glanced around for Chopper and found the reindeer had fallen asleep on the ground, full belly rising and falling. Sanji took the kebab off the fire so it wouldn’t burn and then, feeling only a second’s guilt, gently shook Chopper awake, gesturing to where the others where as the doctor blinked up at him sleepily. 

Luffy must have felt something was going on with that damn adventure sense of his because he was sitting bolt upright when Sanji sat himself in front of them. Zoro watched with a flat unreadable expression and Usopp leaned in over the makeshift table.The only move Robin made was to tuck her fingers under her chin. 

“What’s that,” Usopp whispered. Sanji looked at them all and opened the shell. Usopp nearly fell out of her chair. “Hey that’s—!” 

“Is that-?” Chopper said, taking the walnut shell from his hand and peering at it. Sanji put a cigarette between his lips and then rested his arms on his knees as he watched, wide eyed and hoping. 

“It looks like it,” Zoro said. 

“Hey! The weird berry!” Luffy said, pointing. “It looks kind of old. I wonder if it still tastes good.” 

“No!” Chopper said, snapping the shell shut and hiding the berry from their captain’s questing fingers. Luffy pouted and chewed on the bone. 

“Can you do something with it?” Usopp asked. Of course he shitty could, right? That’s the damn reason they found it. It was their out. Their trump card. Shit like this happened to them all the time when they thought all hope was lost.

“I don’t… I don’t know…” Chopper said, opening the walnut again and peering at the berry within. “It’s so old… But it looks pretty well preserved and maybe it has juices in it… so…so maybe I can make an antidote or something but…” He swallowed and his little shoulders slumped. “But I’ve never done anything like this before…. And it’s just one berry… I couldn’t make one mistake. And even if I made something that did work…” He looked at them all, looked down. “It… would probably only work for one person.” 

Silence except for the crackling fire. 

Shit… Sanji chewed on the filter of the cig. It was a hell of a choice to make. Who might shitty potentially get their manhood back. In the grand scheme of things it wasn’t that important but on the other hand it was everything important in this shitty world. If it even worked, who would it be? It would be a great shitty thing to be a man again, Sanji imagined, but having to carry the guilt of the others remaining as they are… And how to choose?

“Luffy,” Zoro said calmly, sitting back and folding her arms over her chest, then under them and then just sighing in something like disgust and putting her hands behind her head. Sanji tried not to look at her magnificence too closely and lit his cigarette, having no shitty voice for or against in this— though it made sense. If it should be any of them, it should be Luffy. He was the one that had pulled them all together. That would pull them through anything. The one they rallied behind and loved. So if anyone should get their treasure returned it _should_ be him. 

“No,” Luffy said, face unreadable. Though such a definite decision startled Sanji a bit. How could he not want it. 

“Hey, Luffy, do you know what you’re saying?” Usopp said, gripping the table. “You’ll be a man again! Just like you were!” 

“Yeah I know,” Luffy said. Then hesitated. “You’ll still follow me if I’m a girl right?” 

“Of course,” Zoro said. Chopper nodded a definite yes and Usopp said: 

“Well, yeah, but…” 

“Then I don’t care.” And he laid back, put his hat over his face. Zoro closed his eyes as if he’d already decided himself not to take the chance. It was a solidarity thing, wasn’t it? Or maybe the shitty (cute) marimo was always in lockstep with Luffy, unless he was lost, so why change it now? Usopp was still staring at it, though, looking away, fingers clenched against the table. Like he wanted to ask but wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do. Like he was afraid what they were going to think of him if he did. Well Sanji sure as hell wasn’t going to judge him for wanting to turn back, and he was sure the others wouldn’t either… but that was up to Usopp to say or not.

“Oi, Chopper,” Sanji said. “Just how certain are you you can make anything?” 

“I’m more certain that I can’t,” Chopper said in a low voice, looking almost ashamed. “I mean if…if I had more maybe but…” 

“Don’t worry about it, we’re fine,” said Usopp in a tone that was meant to convince but Sanji wasn’t sure Usopp was even convinced himself. As if he really wanted it but wanted not to want it. They could just leave it here and forget about it, he guessed. But then…he couldn’t help but wonder … if they never found a way to get back…would Usopp regret at not trying it anyway? Would Chopper? It was such a slim shitty hope that it would even work, but sometimes those were the worst. Waiting for the one in a million chance. Yearning for it. Searching the horizon every day for even the glimmer of a sail. It was a kind of hope that could kill you. 

More than that, even if it did work, would Usopp be shitty satisfied with being a guy while Zoro and Luffy chose not to? It was a moot point he guessed, since Usopp had already made the decision. But maybe… maybe… Sanji could…help make…the decision a little easier to bear. 

Shit… 

Solidarity, right? 

All in this shitty together…

He took a moment to brace himself, wanting to come off as if this was no big shitty deal. Then reached over and plucked the berry from the shell. Weirdly enough it still had a little give to it. 

“Sanji…” Chopper said. Zoro opened one eye, watching him, and then closed it again. Usopp looked down. Chopper looked away. Robin had turned her glance to the book she’d set on the table. He wasn’t alone in his decision, but it was his. Sanji stared at the berry, trying hard not to think about all the things that would change for him. But it would change for him just like it had changed for his nakama so… 

Fuck it.

He popped the berry into his mouth. He rolled it over his tongue out of habit. It had a nutty dusty flavor. Damn dry for a berry but that was probably age. He took another shitty second and then shifted it to his back teeth to make sure he crushed whatever juice was in there. There was a little more than he expected and it squirted bitter across the back of his tongue. Sanji swallowed what was left and took a breath, faintly surprised when a light sweet flavor flooded his mouth when the air hit the juice. It made him smile.

A little bitter, a lot of sweet.

Just like love.


	10. Three Days At Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanji wakes up very much changed, and as they sail toward Mardus and his goons, has three days to try to come to terms with who he was, who he is, and who he's yet to be...

~*~*~ _Day One_ ~*~*~

 

It was six-thirty. The kitchen was cold—breakfast not even started, and Sanji was in the midst of a small crises. He ground out the cigarette against the case, closed it, and pulled another from the pack before sliding it between his lips. Strangely enough, that didn’t feel any different. He struck a match, lit the cig, then jammed one hand in his pocket as he stared down the hatch into the men’s cabin. He had to ask. He knew he had to. Already the need was starting to hinge on the side of desperation and yet…

How could he?

He puffed at the cigarette idly, as one, traitorous, fortunate hand, made the journey up as it had been doing all morning, and pressed against his chest, just there where the swell of soft, willing, pliant flesh rested, waiting to be touched. He could feel the shitty warmth of it even through the material of his suddenly too large sweatshirt. But what was more, exciting and odd all at once; he could feel the warmth and pressure from his own hand.

No…

Not his own.

This one was small, delicate but strong, hesitant and yearning for a new experience which it had never felt before!

“Horf horf horf.” A laugh. He recognized it as coming from himself but ah the light timbre with an added morning before tea hoarseness. The nipple responding eagerly to small clever fingers! Was it pink? He wondered? Or a dusky rose? It would kill him to know but oh, the wonders of knowing!

And on top of it all--

The shitty insistent urge to piss.

He pulled his hand away to restore some semblance of focus to his mind, shoving it determinedly into his pocket as he tried not to suck the cigarette all the way down to the shitty filter.

It wasn’t as if he didn’t know the mechanics of it. Or rather, he had some idea of what was lacking. There was no taking care of it in one steady movement, perhaps even enjoying a fresh wind while doing so, before shaking it off and going about one’s shitty business. There was a hidden step somewhere.

Oh he’d seen it before of course. You didn’t go to a shitty port town without spotting a dog of either gender pissing somewhere against a wall. Though he could hardly think of a human woman in such an undignified position! He usually tried to avoid thinking about it at shitty all, to be honest, since it inevitably caused him to need to hide behind things or at least adjust his stance-- or it had _had_ to do such until he had grown stronger as a man who loved ladies.

That was beside the point, however. Right now he had to go. There was some mysterious middle space which, before now, had occupied only his most daring of dreams. Yet that mystery was fast becoming a shitty reality unless he just wanted to hold it in for … for a long time. And while he could very well uncover the mystery himself, it felt… somehow safer to ask someone who had been there to prevent any shitty surprises.

A jab deep down told him he had better get a move on so he nodded, ground out his cigarette, put it away and went into the hold. It was gloomy still, and cool, the sun only creeping hesitant fingers onto the floorboards. The algae covered idiot was on watch, thankfully so that only left his still (equally thankfully) snoozing captain, the fuzzy lump of Chopper, and the only other person on this ship who wasn’t an idiot and (almost) wasn’t a goddess.

She was sleeping sweetly, her cheek pressed against her arm, the rounded swell of her breasts pressing against the unforgiving cords of the hammock. Ah, sweet Sparrow-chan! Sanji almost didn’t want to waken her from her slumber! Yet he must. He shored himself up as best he could and gave her shoulder a little shake, staring for a moment at the smallness of the hand resting against that shoulder.

“Usopp!” Sanji said, wiggling a little at the sound of those dulcet tones falling like soft waves into the sleepy morning! He wiggled his hips and then had to pull up his pants again, drawing the belt tighter because if anything should happen even on accident he’d probably die from the overstimulation of it. He tried again with the shaking, only gently this time, not even trusting his voice.

Usopp’s delicate brow furrowed and she stirred, opening one eye and rubbing the other. Before sitting bolt upright in shock.

“San-- Woah!”

Sanji tried to make a grab for her as she tipped backward off the hammock but missed completely and Usopp landed right on her face. Then he had to try not to stare too much as the night shirt rode up due to lovely wonderful shitty terribly gravity, almost revealing--! Though in the gloom Sanji couldn’t make it out too well and he wasn’t sure if he was happy about that or not.

Usopp pulled himself upright, tugging down his shirt and then approached Sanji, looking shell-shocked. His mouth open and closed a few times like a fish before he raised his hands the approximate level of Sanji’s chest and made faint kneading motions in the air.

“It-- You’re-- H-holy crap that berry is potent!”

“Isn’t it?” Sanji said, gathering the two bundles of pliant flesh in small hands and pressing them together. Oh, that was an entirely new sensation! Warmth against warmth! Softness against softness! Sweet soft mellorine love! He could even potentially bury his face in them, he realized with a flash of heat. To be surrounded by that warmth as often as he wanted!

A third time the urge stabbed at him, scattering his thoughts. Shit. It was probably for the best.He let them go and tried to collect himself while Usopp gawped at him. How the hell was he going to broach this topic? Usopp swallowed.

“You’re probably as big as Nami.”

Sanji frantically suppressed the thoughts, dreams, imaginings and perversions that bubbled up into his mind at that statement. He was pretty damn sure he’d never shitty recover from them for one thing. At least not until he got used to this. And there was really no time to shitty lose.

In that mind, might as well say what he had come to say straightforwardly. Man to… well…former man.

“I have to piss,” he said as low as he could.

“Eh?” Usopp blinked and for a moment Sanji thought he’d have to repeat himself-- or worse, _explain_. But fortunately Usopp got it in the next second and flushed adorably, rubbing the back of her head.

“Oh that-- Listen, it’s the same basic principle as any other time you sit. You just…” He held out his hands, palms perpendicular to each other. “Go.”

“No shit,” Sanji said, lighting up again, fingers shaking only a little. “I mean… how… _after_ …. _”_

“Just go front to back and try not to think about it,” Usopp said, the blush more pronounced now as she looked away. He would have found it adorable if he dared. “Closing your eyes helps.”

“Thanks.” He wasn’t sure _how_ it would help. But he felt a little bolstered by having _some_ shitty idea of the process and went calmly (though at a slightly quicker pace) toward the ladder. He was stopped midway up when Usopp called softly behind him:

“You’re okay, right?”

“Couldn’t be shitty better!” he said, though tightly because it really was becoming damn urgent now. He couldn’t even focus much on how the sensitive nipples ever so slightly brushed the wooden rungs. He hurried aft, not even bothering to cast a glance at the crow’s nest, and got to the head with time to spare.

Which was good considering as soon as the door closed behind him the full implications of all that was going to happen hit him like a tidal wave to the chest. In just a few seconds he was going to have access to…that place. That sacred cave. That hidden jewel. That he had dreamed about so often but had never even been close to touching! But now he could as much as he wanted without repercussion! Who knew that this would produce such a glorious result!

He undid his belt and, with a dry throat and feeling lightheaded, let his pants drop.

*****

Someone was patting his face. He was lying flat on the sun warmed deck. His eyes were closed. What…? Sanj blinked, peeling his eyes open to see the worried face of Chopper in heavy point looming over him, as well as Luffy and Usopp and Robin who looked somewhat amused. Oh shit what had happened? He tried to think back but it was all a blank. Oh hell…had he….? He took quick stock of himself. He felt normal… more or shitty less… though there was a tang in his mouth that was undeniably blood.

“What happened?” he said, and the voice surprised him again. Ah, why was it so sweet?

“Haha it was kind of funny,” Luffy said, crouching and wrapping his arms around his knees as he watched Sanji with dulcet brown eyes. “You just came out and yelled and snorted blood all the way to the mast before you passed out! Shishishi I thought you were gonna die!”

“Don’t laugh about such serious situations!” Usopp said, whacking him on the head.

“Y-yeah,” Chopper said and then one of his big meaty hands was under Sanji’s head as he tried to sit up.”Careful! Not to fast!”

“Eh I’m fine,” Sanji said, batting him away and watching mesmerized as the two beautiful mounds of flesh fell and shifted with his weight. “I don’t remember any of it…” And he gripped them in both hands, feeling the resistance under his fingers, around and around, squishing them together. Someone giggled in a high pitched voice. Usopp looked away, Chopper blinked at him and felt his forehead.

“Are you feeling alright?”

“I think Sanji just really likes boobs,” Luffy said with a laugh and Sanji felt a warmth in his heart of hearts that his beautiful captain knew him so well.

“What did I shitty yell anyway?” he said, trying to focus but finding that near impossible, up and down, together, apart, ciiircle.

“It was nearly unintelligible. Something about a jewel cave,” Robin said. “But I’m sure you would have died happily.”

Jewel cave huh? Passing out. Well he’d missed his chance to see it this time but he’d definitely have another one… Another time to examine that most sacred of--

“No one’s dying, happily or otherwise!” Chopper’s stern voice brought him out of it a little. Especially when he added an undertone. “I wish you hadn’t eaten that berry, too.” There was worry thick in his voice. Poor kid. Sanji reluctantly pulled himself together, letting his hands drop away and got to his feet, shifting absently trying to find his center of shitty gravity. This was good. This was alshittyright. He could think about the rest of that later, right?

“It’s not going to shitty kill me,” he said, getting out a cigarette. “You think I’m that weak?” And he offered Chopper a grin. Chopper returned it but he didn’t seem to believe him much. Sanji half expected him to pop into brain point and cling to his leg but Chopper rose to tower over him.

“Still, I think you should cook something light for breakfast. Just in case.”

“Five courses!” Luffy bellowed cutely, punching her hands in the air.

“Right away!” Sanji found himself saying, that sweet voice rising in song.

“I said _light!”_ Chopper roared, punching Luffy in the head.

“Well yeah! That’s why five! I wanna be full even if it’s just gonna be fancy stuff!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make you full, Cutie-chan!” Sanji sang. “Full with my love~!”

Luffy laughed. “I Just want meat!” she said. Which she would have, in droves. No… no not too much, Sanji reminded himself forcibly. Because Nami-swan would be upset with him. He was stronger now…. Fuller now… more robust….

And needed to cook breakfast, he reminded himself, absently testing the resistance of one magnificent pillow of love before stuffing his hand back into his pocket and staggering toward the galley. It was just how he’d left it. A little late in the shitty morning perhaps, but ready for him to get to work. Just shitty pancakes this morning probably. Eggs. Ten pounds or so of bacon though Luffy’d still be shitty hungry later. He hummed to himself, wiggling at the melodious voice.

Jewel cave, huh? Sacred space. All there. Right for the shitty taking. Exploring.

He cracked an egg over the pan, listening to the hiss and spit of it frying, his hands moving on shitty instinct almost. It was a poor damn breakfast. Instinct was good for a cook to have, but if that was all he was going to use then it might as well be an amateur dish.

“So you did find one, did you,” Nami said from the doorway, annoyed. “Why the hell did you eat it?”

“Sorry about that, Nami-san,” he said gravely with a faint smile. And he _was_ sorry that he was bringing another worry to her already full basket. But he didn’t regret what he had done. Even if he couldn’t really explain it. Or rather, it didn’t need explaining. As a man, he couldn’t have done anything less. She sighed deeply and he felt another twinge of gilt.

“Well you could have waited until we were done with this mess,” she muttered. Oh… Shit yeah maybe he should have. He half turned to her but she waved her hand. “Forget it. Listen we don’t have time to stop for stuff for you to wear so you’re going to have to make do with my tailoring for…. Oh… thirty-thousand beri.”

Sanji nearly inhaled his cigarette.

Nami was cute even when she was extorting money from him. It was steep, but not so shitty steep he couldn’t pay it, hovering just on the shitty border of what he’d be willing to accept rather than negotiate for. Ah, she was so wonderfully shitty clever~

She went to his sea chest, moved and set out of the way against the wine rack, and opened it, pulling out a pair of pants and shaking them out. Sanji’s heart lurched sideways. Her delicate hands touching that dark, stain-resistant fabric-- would work all over them deftly, shifting here, hemming there, taking things in, letting them out.

“Ah, Nami-san!” he said as she draped the pants over her arm and went to get another pair. “I have an idea that won’t cost you time or money!” he said it brightly, quickly, charmingly or so he shitty hoped. She blinked at him.

“You do?”

“Of course!” It wasn’t a lie. It really wasn’t, because the germ of an idea was buried deep in his gut. Though he wasn’t sure if he could articulate it just yet or explain it to her sweet countenance and delicately raised eyebrow.

“Well?” she said.

“I have to think it through a little,” he said, smiling sheepishly and puffing out little wavery smoke hearts for her. “I’ll tell you soon.”

She gave him a long look, then sighed, her shoulders slumping. Once again he was being undependable! If only he could be different! He’d chew on his tie and beg her forgiveness if he was wearing one.

“Alright, but we don’t have a lot of time, Sanji-kun,” she said, draping another pair of pants over her arm and a few of his shirts too. His heart twanged a citrus cord. “We’ll be there in about three days so… try to make it before then.”

“Aye aye!” he said, saluting her in a shitty goofy gesture to make her smile. Though it also made him very aware of soft fabric moving over sensitive areas, reminding him of their luscious full warm bounteous presence. He tried to ignore this or, at least waited until she’d left the galley before placing a hand to it and feeling the small point of hardness against the center of his palm. A giggle escaped him and then a cry of joy at the trill of that giggle and then he turned resolutely back to the stove and told himself fiercely to focus.

Though if he was less than focused, why shouldn’t he shitty be? This was clearly a beautiful body that he had been blessed with! As a man, it was his imperative to adore every inch of it and not let a single centimeter of skin go to waste, not a single eyelash even. So of course that meant it had to look good, too. No severe fabrics or work-a-day pants. No hiding that tenderly sloping valley behind a jacket or vest. No it had to have flash and appeal! Electricity and charm…! And so…!

And so…

And so he thought about it, cultivating this idea as he worked on breakfast. Not a large meal but large enough to hold most idiots until lunch and the other one til a mid-morning snack--provided they didn’t run against any assholes along the way. And by the time breakfast-- well brunch was completed, Sanji pretty much had the idea set in his mind and it was a good one. A great one even. One that he was actually looking forward to!

He was so caught up in looking shitty forward to it that he barely was concerned at the quieter than usual shitty breakfast with Usopp and Nami exchanging cute glances and Zoro sending him a look across the table and shaking her head in that grave charming _teeth-grating_ way she had, making the earrings chime lightly. He wasn’t even bothered by the shitty looming form of Chopper who it seemed was in a heavy point mode today which would have been fine if he’d stop lightly shitty bumping Sanji with his elbow.

He smoked. Ate a little. Re-filled dishes when he had to. Gently nudged away his delightful Captain-chan’s questing hand when needed, and otherwise had a thrilling little time. When breakfast was done, he cheerfully shooed everyone out of the galley who wouldn’t otherwise leave and began to wash up. He ate the leftovers too small to be put away that Luffy wouldn’t shitty touch, then put what Luffy _would_ shitty touch into a snack for him later. Then made Usopp the same size snack but of a lighter fare so the sniper could feel content, and made something sweeter for Chopper.

By the time he had finished, it was nearing ten and Sanji was starting to feel really shitty grungy for having spent most of the day in the clothes he’d slept in. So it was time. No problem. This would work out great.

It was a warm day but not warm enough for the ladies to require iced drinks of love~ So he bought out the snacks a little early so he wouldn’t be completely empty handed, then went to where Nami was reading on a nearby deck chair.

He had an idea. The best shitty idea. He put his hands in his pockets and smiled at her around the cigarette before she looked up at him, eyebrows raised, seeming slightly alarmed. It was a good idea. He was sure she would like it. He just had to shitty spit it out.

 

***

 

This had been a good idea. Sanji stood in the breezy aft storage room, just outside the bathroom. He hadn’t quite made it to the perfumed confines of the woman’s room as was the second half of his plan, but the first part had worked perfectly. He twisted this way and that, admiring the reflection in the tilted mirror and smiled to himself. Not a good idea, a shitty _great_ one.

Pale décolletage, rounded and perfumed, resting in a size somewhere between Nami’s and Robins, peeked out over the black lace of a black and purple bra. Over it, a white shirt, rented from Nami, the top few buttons undone, framing the lingerie and its inhabitants beautifully. Below that, a large belt, borrowed from Robin, cinched around a svelte waist. Rounded hips swelled below, not quite as curvy as others on-board but the short tight skirt, bought from Nami, made up for it. Even better, the belt was large enough that the skirt should be tucked up even shorter without ruining the shitty line of the outfit!

And…underneath it--!

Underneath it pure and white!!

And touching so close!!

Legs. Yes. Long shitty legs. Right those were important too. Legs, well muscled on the calf and thigh, almost a little too much but not quite overdoing it; ending in black heels, rented from Nami.

Ah, it was almost paradise~!

“You clean up well, Cook-san,” Robin said from where she was sitting on a nearby barrel, a book on Myths of the Goddess dangling from her fingers. “I’m surprised.”

“I’m not,” Sanji said, turning and craning his head as best he could to see yes… yes that quite made up for the legs. How wonderfully round! How soft looking. “A true man believes in the beauty of any woman,” he said, though mostly distracted by the view.

Dare he touch it?

_Dare he?_

It almost seemed an impossible dream to be so near to such marvelous….such marvelous assets.

“Ah,” said Robin as if she finally understood something. He couldn’t even begin to guess what that might be and with such a temptation right in front of him, it hardly shitty mattered. Robin-chwan was beautiful when she was mysterious. As for the rest of it, he didn’t dare for the moment. Perhaps later.

Soon.

“I only regret not being able to do the rest of it,” he said. Lipstick had a peculiar scent, and with so many beautiful ladies on board, he couldn’t miss a shitty nuance of smell or taste. Nail polish would just be a disaster. He wouldn’t taint their shitty food so. But with a body this good, the rest of it didn’t matter.

“You’re bleeding again,” Robin said.

“Shit.” Sanji took the proffered tissue from the hand that had blossomed from his arm and bent to dab at the spot on his shin. Perhaps because only one berry had been eaten, but he’d found, much to his horror and shame, hair had decided to remain where it _should_ be sleek and perfect. He should have shaved a little shitty better, but somehow he didn’t remember doing it either.

“There,” he said, finishing the last blot. The shitty cut remained but would close up soon. Next time…

…

Next time, conscious or no he would do it better.

He rose, straightening his shirt, lost in the mystical valley for a moment before raising his head. It was a little after noon. Some shitheads (and beautiful ladies) would be wanting their lunches. So he had to go to the galley and make it.

He just had to go out that door and up the stairs to the shitty galley.

That was it.

All he had to shitty do.

With those idiots all outside.

And that one particular idiot outside.

But if they didn’t understand that a shitty man had to do what he had to do for the honor of a woman that was their loss, not his!

He started to stomp out, then realized what he was doing, checked himself and straightened from his core, letting his body find its center instinctively. It didn’t happen instantly, but by the time he was as centered as he could be, he opened the door, ready to go out.

It was a shitty perfect day for sailing. The sky was blue, the shitty sun was shining all over everything, and wind rounded out the sail that sent them skipping over the azure sea, laced with white. Maybe once he got used to things he’d be better able to shitty appreciate it.

Luffy, Chopper and Usopp were playing some kind of card game, but didn’t look to be enjoying it. Usopp frowned deeply over his cards and shuffled them in his hand.

“Got any threes?” Usopp said to Chopper who was sitting hunched over, looking like an extra large sack of sad shitty potatoes. Chopper didn’t answer. Usopp poked him in the side.

“Oi.”

“Huh?” Chopper said, stirring pathetically.

“Threes. You got ‘em?”

“No… Um… go fish.”

“Damn.”

“Ahhhh this is so boring!” Luffy said, falling back onto the deck, cards scattering across the wood. “Why are you guys so gloomy?!” Then he looked over and Sanji felt a jolt at Luffy’s sharp eyed attention-- and another as he sat up and stared.

What? Hadn’t he seen a woman before? Sanji wanted a cigarette but he realized he’d left them behind on the shitty nail barrel and retreating just now-- retreating just now seemed like a very bad idea.

“Luffy, what--?” Usopp said, glancing over too and freezing. What was this some shitty comedy? Chopper looked up at him too, startled at first, but then looking confused.

“What is it? I don’t see anything,” Chopper said.

“Just them being idiots,” Sanji said, striding out on deck. He folded his arms below the bust, but even as the breasts lifted and he could feel the complicated softness and structure of lace under his arms, it was pulling the shirt from the belt so he went to put his hands in his pockets-- only he didn’t shitty have any, so he just put his hands on his hips instead.

“I’m going to go make lunch. Anyone got a shitty problem with that?”

“Nope!” Luffy said brightly. Usopp muttered something, looked away, got up.

“He-hey, Luffy! Why don’t we go fishing for real? Catch something for dinner?” he said.

“Ah, sure!”

“Help me get the poles,” Usopp said, grabbing Luffy’s arm before he’d even gotten to his feet and fairly dragging him away.

“Sure, hey why are you so excited?” Luffy said as they disappeared around the mast to the hatch of the men’s cabin. Usopp’s reply was faint and muffled, but Sanji heard it:

“It’s just a little weird that’s all,” he said. “Don’t you think?”

“Yeah a little,” Luffy said. “But it’s okay.”

What was shitty weird about it? There was nothing at all weird about a body this good looking!

“I guess I better get stuff ready,” Chopper muttered as if to himself, gathering up the cards and disappearing around the mast himself. Sanji wanted to snap at him but he hadn’t done anything and he seemed shitty tense enough already. Instead he ground his teeth, biting back a snarl as someone tapped him on the shoulder.

It was Robin-chan. Of course it was. Who else would it be?

She wordlessly handed him his cigarettes and he thanked her with a nod before lighting one up. He looked up just in time to see that asshole coming down the mast.

It was almost easier from the back.

Almost.

Except that ass was spectacular too, damn it all.

Zoro dropped the last few feet to the deck, turned, looked at him and stilled.

He looked startled for just a moment and then his expression smoothed into something shitty unreadable, his eyes dark, mouth a flat line.

Sanji wanted to kick him in the teeth.

Instead he cracked his neck answering Zoro’s shitty blankness with an undeniable challenge.

“Got a problem, asshole?” he said. Zoro just shook his head and walked toward the prow, hand on the uppermost of his swords.

_What the hell was that_?! Who the hell did he think he was just walking away from a challenge?! Sanji huffed irritably, wanting to aim a roundhouse to the side of his rock hard head except below that were some of the most perfect breasts in existence.

Screw him and his great rack.

“Legs together, Cook-kun,” Robin murmured lightly and Sanji obeyed without thinking, or really understanding.

“Anything for you, Robin-chan!” he said. She smiled at him and pat him on the shoulder (Ah~! Such a sweet touch could banish a thousand shitty worries) before heading after Zoro. Sanji watched her go, still a little shitty pissed, but reminded himself he had to get lunch going and headed for the galley.

Nami-swan was sitting at the table, a journal open in front of her and a glass of wine sitting at her elbow. One hand was resting on her forehead, just under soft strands of her tangerine colored hair. She was absolutely shitty beautiful, even that worry wrinkle forming between her brows. Everything about her in the stillness was tuned to perfection and Sanji thanked whatever shitty gods were on his side that gave him this moment, that gave him the illustrious Nami-swan to serve.

He was debating whether to leave her in peace or not, when she raised her head and for the fourth time that day he was being stared at like he’d grown an extra shitty head. Though with her, at most he could offer was a grin and the feeling hedging on embarrassment. This didn’t make her happy. He knew. He knew and yet…it had to shitty be.

She recovered quickly, though, with a sigh as she drained her glass.

“Well it could be worse,” she said, setting her glass down again. Was it really that bad now? He found himself feeling more fond than anything else though, and picked up the bottle she had been using.

“It will work out, don’t worry,” he said pitching his voice slow as he smoothly bent so he could fill her glass elegantly. He glanced up, meeting her eyes as he felt a cool breeze fan across his exposed flesh. “I’m on your side.”

He had hoped to elicit a smile, even a small one. He’d even been prepared for a brusque but oh-so-adorable ‘okay, okay’ and a flap of her beautiful hand.

He wasn’t prepared for the flush that spread over her nose and darkened her cheeks a crushed rose petal red. Was…

Was his beautiful illustrious marvelous amazing Nami-swan _blushing?_

Over something he _said?_

Sanji only barely managed to contain his joy. He twisted the bottle upward in a delicate flourish so not a drop was spilled and thought--

And thought just maybe--!

If he leaned forward--!!

And tilted his head just so--!!!

“Thanks, Sanji-kun,” Nami said, gathering book, glass and bottle and moving away. “See you around.”

And she fairly power-walked out of the galley.

But what she had left behind…oh!

Sanji slumped against the wall, hand over his pounding heart. That had happened! That had been real! He would certainly shitty die now! And if he did, it would be the death of a man in the throes of love! The most wonderful kind of death imaginable~~

“Ah~Nami-san!” And the voice that rose out of his throat, high and breathy made him melt all the more~~

How could he even move from this spot?

But what kind of man would he be if he expired now when there was such a happy love love future awaiting him?! A future of soft valleys and dulcet sighs and small hands and nestled jewels?!

No kind of man!

He must stiffen his resolve and not melt under the August heat of her love but stand straight and proud! Ready to be of service.

“ _I’ll be by your side forever, Nami-swan!_ ” he bellowed, hoping the whole Grand Line heard him. Then, with the thoughts swimming hazy and golden tinged in his head, he rolled up his sleeves, tied on an apron, and prepared to make the most fantastic lunch any of them had ever eaten before.

What a wonderful day~~~!

 

~*~*~ _Day Two_ ~*~*~

What a shitty miserable day.

Sanji growled to himself as he shoved his cigarette box into his pocket only to miss shitty entirely when he remembered he didn’t have any and nearly slammed them on the counter instead. Outside the sky was a pale blue and the wind was brisk, making the waves small but rough. He couldn’t remember a time when he didn’t have sea legs, and it wasn’t like he was staggering around now, but damned if he didn’t feel more off balance than he was shitty comfortable with. It was the heels, he knew, which made him all the more frustrated. He could get used to them. He _had_ to get used to them! It was a man’s pride that a woman looked as good as possible!

He huffed and leaned against the counter, glaring at the stack of leftover shitty lunch dishes, smoking irritably.

On top of that, he’d woken up with his hand buried underneath him and between the joyous mounds of creamy fleshed love, which had been wonderful but also made his shitty fingers so numb he had to shake his hand out for what felt like a shitty minute to get feeling back. And he’d blacked out again this morning, not to mention last night when he had gone to take a shower and woke up on deck with his beloved Nami-swan snapping about the blood sprayed all over the bathroom.

Cursed traitorous nose!

To add a shitty cherry on top of it, now everyone but Robin and Luffy was acting strange around him! Sparrow-chan and Nami-swan couldn’t even bring themselves to look at him no matter how much he inhaled. Of course that didn’t stop that moss-headed beautiful shitty solemn faced gorgeous marimo from looking at him. Only his looks were flat as hell. Sanji could see shitty judgment in his eyes every single time. Who the hell did he think he was even judging? Chopper at least had the shitty courtesy to look concerned except Sanji was beginning to hate that, too. And even more annoyed that Chopper was _still_ in heavy point! As if they needed him lumbering all around the deck and being anxious about things!

But it was fine. He could handle it. Even this shitty pain in the ass day wasn’t going to best him!

Sanji snorted his determination in a cloud of smoke and stood, crossing to finish the lunch dishes with fast precision, not letting a single scrap of a stain remain. Though as he watched those narrow hands flash in and out of suds, he wondered if perhaps he should have Chopper start to do the dishes so these hands wouldn’t become rough and wrinkled before their time.

He dismissed the thought almost the moment it had tripped across his mind. Small or large, his hands were his, and he couldn’t let anyone, woman or man, determine what should happen to them. They were the hands of a cook. The hands of his will. But it wouldn’t shitty kill Chopper to wash dishes a little more, right? After all, he was the only-- the only one Sanji could really find himself shitty asking to do it.

Of course Robin-chan pitched in on joyous occasion and Usopp and Luffy even rarer and under close shitty supervision. But if things kept being strange he doubted anyone would shitty volunteer- and he found himself wishing, even more traitorously, that Luffy would bring some men on board.

The thought nearly made him sob into the tie he wasn’t wearing. They didn’t need any more shitty men! They just needed ladies! The more the better! Sanji could take care of them shitty all! Five times a day…. From now until the vague unknowable hopefully very distant future.

O-or until Luffy found out how to turn them all into men again! Yeah! Sanji could definitely hold out until shitty then and he knew Luffy could do it-- so no problem! No shitty problem at all! He hummed to himself an old jig as he finished the dishes, and just when he’d finished drying his hands, Chopper called out:

“It’s ready!”

Well that was good shitty timing.

Sanji shoved his hands in his pockets, remembered they weren’t there and then grabbed his cigarettes and made sure he was centered before going out to the deck. Chopper had said yesterday that he’d had something important to tell them that would take some time. Sanji wasn’t sure what it was but was, willing to indulge him if it took his mind off things for a while.

Chopper had set up a large drawing pad on an easel in front of the mast and was nervously rolling a pointer between his sausage sized fingers. Zoro was already there, snoozing against the railing with her hands behind her head. Instead of a shirt she was only wearing bandages today, as if trying to prove something. Not that it was shitty risque at all because he couldn’t even catch a shitty tantalizing glimpse of anything--that asshole. Still he contented himself with watching the rise and fall of that swell of softness, but managed, with a pervert’s luck, to look away before he was caught at it.

After a few minutes, Luffy came, arm around Usopp’s shoulders practically dragging him in front of the mast while Usopp sweated and protested. What the fresh hell was all this about.

“Ah look I’m sure it’s fine I don’t need to know any of this,” she said, trying to push Luffy’s arm away.

“But Chopper said it was important,” Luffy said. “And you won’t listen later.”

“Ahahaha sure I will! I’ll listen harder than anyone you ever knew! Just uh… I need to uh…Take notes!” She knocked her cute fist into her palm. “Yeah! That’s it! So let me just get my notebook and…”

“Please?” Chopper said, voice soft and endearing, incongruous coming from his muscled form. “I know it’s going to be hard but… but you have to know this stuff and I’ll make sure I to go as quick as possible.”

“Ah…well…th-that’s what I was worried about to begin with!” Usopp said with a laugh. “You know if you were going to go long I would have to write it down so I could get every detail.” He raised his palms and shook his head. “B-but now that I know it’s short, I can memorize it easy!”

“Thanks,” Chopper said with a smile and Sanji watched Usopp settle herself on the deck, gripping her ankles. Luffy flopped beside her, hands behind him.

“Zoro!” Chopper called.

“He’s listening,” Luffy said, tapping his sandals together, and after a second Sanji could confirm it. Her breathing had changed for one thing and there was a tension in her arms as if she was bracing herself for something. Sanji longed to say that he would lovingly fling himself into the path of whatever it was that was bothering her, but even that thought came with a kind of sourness attached.

He sighed, accepting it for the shitty day it was, and rocked back on his heels, staggering back a step as he forgot the height. Then, flushing, shoved his hands in his -- Oh goddamnit!

Sanji folded his arms, under. Over. Propped his hands on his hips. Then cursed under his breath and sat cross-legged on the deck with the rest of the idiots.

“Okay,” Chopper said. “Let’s…”

“W-wait,” Usopp said, looking away from Sanji, the tip of her nose reddening.

“Huh? What’s wrong?” Chopper said.

“U…uh we-well its just… It…”

“Cook-san,” Robin said softly, her voice as delicate as a wind chime.

“Hm?” He glanced as she sat beside him, legs tucked to the side.

“It’s much more comfortable this way, ne?” she said, folding her hands on her lap and lacing her fingers together. “Why don’t you join me?”

“Anything for you~” he sang back, wriggling, his joy rising to the heavens on wings of love as he readied himself to--!

“She means copy her!” Usopp yelped, grabbing his arm. “Just copy her, alright?!”

“Ah?” Sanji said, his hope still fluttering, though tenuously, high above the clouds.

“Yes,” she said with a quiet laugh that was so charming his hope only deflated and floated back down rather than crashing into the hard blue seas of dejection. “That’s what I meant.”

“As you wish,” he said gallantly, shifting his legs around. It felt decidedly strange to sit this way. It wasn’t uncomfortable exactly but-- very odd. A very wiggling sort of odd feeling that curled at the bottom of his heart. He tried the folding his hands on his lap thing, but couldn’t get used to it, only he didn’t know what the hell to do with his hands so he ended up with them loosely in his lap anyway.

Chopper was watching this all, looking as confused about the whole damn thing as he felt.

“Can I start now?” he asked.

“Yeah go ahead,” Usopp said, scratching the side of his nose. “Unless you’d rather put it off until later because then I’d completely understand.”

“No,” said Chopper sternly. Then, more gently. “It’ll be alright. You’ll see.”

Then he cleared his throat and straightened.

“Okay! Listen up! Especially you, Luffy, because this is super important!” Chopper said. “It will not only effect your lives but if you’re not careful it could effect your becoming Pirate King!”

“Eh, really?!” Luffy said, sitting up.

“No shit,” Sanji said, surprised. What could be all that shitty drastic?

“Yes, really!” Chopper said. “So you can’t afford to be careless!” He flipped the cardboard cover over with a definite gesture then whapped the pointer under the words:

‘A Woman’s Body.’

Well sign him the hell up! Chopper should have been giving this shitty lecture every single shitty day! Even twice a day!

“Aww that’s boring!” Luffy said, picking his nose. “I know a lot about that already.”

“Trust me, you don’t,” Chopper said, though Luffy didn’t look like he believed him. Well it would be a shitty education for Sanji if nothing else.

“Is it okay if I _don’t_ find out?” Usopp said.

“No it’s not,” Chopper said sternly. Sanji grinned and whapped Usopp out the shoulder, figuring just how to make things right.

“Think of how the girls will shitty thank you later,” he said. Usopp stared at him, eyes nearly popping out of his head as he made a gurgling noise in his throat. For a moment Sanji thought he was choking until the full implications of what Sanji had just said hit him like a brick of love to the loins.

“Oh shit,” he said, grabbing Usopp’s arm as the world and sea spun around him in a dizzying carousel of possibility.

“Oh shit!” Usopp agreed, grabbing him back.

“Oh shit!!”

“ _Oh shit!!”_

“Oh boy,” Chopper said, dragging a hand down his face.

“Will you imbeciles shut up?!” Zoro snapped while Luffy collapsed to the deck laughing and even Robin chuckled.

“Chopper! As a doctor it’s your duty to tell us everything!” Usopp said, pointing at him dramatically.

“Don’t leave out a shitty detail!”

“Wait! I should get a notebook!” Usopp said, scrambling to his feet.

“Shit, me too!” He got to his feet, tripping over the heels and kicked them off with a curse before darting into the galley. His small notebook was just where he left it and he frowned a bit over it’s size, then reminded himself that he could crib Usopp’s notes if he needed to before jogging back and, remembering at the last moment that Robin wanted him to sit like her, hit the deck at a slide, coming in neatly where he was before. Luffy was laughing so hard tears were coming down his face and even Robin was holding her stomach even as her hand covered her mouth. Usopp dive bombed in a second later, hair tied back and dropping a stack of notebooks at his feet before opening the first one.

“Hey I want one!” Luffy said. “Gimmie!”

“Hold your horses, I’ve got yours!” Usopp said, giving Luffy a notebook and a pencil, and Sanji one too just as Sanji shitty realized he’d forgotten his.

“You’re a shitty hero,” Sanji said, just about ready to kiss him.

“Don’t I know it,” Usopp said with a grin.

“Oi, Zoro!” Luffy called. “You want one too?”

“No I don’t!” the big green loser snapped.

“You gotta have one or it’ll effect me being Pirate King!” Luffy said.

“Wait I didn’t mean it like that…” Chopper said but it was too late, Luffy had already stretched his arm and grabbed Zoro by the haramaki.

“Get over here!” Luffy said.

Robin stood, dusting off her pants and moving out of the way and in that one shining second Sanji realized what doom had come upon him.

“Oh shit,” he and Usopp said in unison.

 

 

A moment later when Luffy was an apologetic pile of bumps and bruises lying between them and lightly smoking in the cool air, they were ready to begin. Sanji flipped open his notebook and waited in trembling, if manly, anticipation. Chopper sighed wearily-- then straightened once more.

“You’d better remember this even if you’re unconscious, Luffy!” He bellowed, stabbing the pointer Captainward.

“Okaaay,” Luffy warbled.

Chopper nodded, snorted and whapped the paper again.

“You all listen up!” Chopper said, and flipped the page.

 

Sanji blinked and found himself staring at a blank sheet of paper, thin against the cardboard while the others were flipped over. It was as if Chopper had turned all the pages at once somehow. Zoro had the pale faced look of steely determination in his eyes that he got when he realized just how hard a fight they were going for. Luffy was wide eyed and curious, finger in his nose and Usopp had his head buried in his hands, notebook laying forgotten in his lap as he shook his head slowly back and forth, his hair seeming oddly more curly than usual. Sanji felt like he had just come at the end of a long shitty battle himself, uphill, kicking endless hoards of enemies out of the way.

But the sky was still pale blue and there was not an enemy ship in sight or even the smoking ruins of one. There were no cuts or bruises anywhere and, more to the point, Usopp hadn’t moved from his spot. What in the hell--?

“Any questions?” Chopper said, seeming anxious again. Sanji blinked again.

“Is it over?” his voice sounded faint and high and distant.

“Um…yeah,” Chopper said. “That’s all… for now I guess. And this is all-- I mean if things go according to biology then this will happen…probably. But it might not at all!”

“Might not at all…” Sanji echoed, looking down at his notebook, desperately seeking some kind of shitty clarification. It… was just…covered in shitty swirls… No, not even that, helpless wiggles like some shitty worm had gotten lost between the lines of the page. There was even shitty spit on it and Sanji wondered who the hell had done that before realizing it could only have come from him.

Well…shit…

“Yeah…” Chopper said, and Sanji faintly realized he was answering him. “Might not at all but it’s better to be prepared now.”

“I don’t want to be prepared ever,” Usopp said, voice muffled by his hands. After a moment of silence, filled only by the beat of the sea and the distant crying of a gull, Luffy raised his hand.

“Yeah, Luffy?” Chopper said.

“So can you only get pregnant if you have sex?”

“Oh my god!” Usopp said. The sound of Zoro’s facepalm seemed to echo over the whole ship as Sanji listed to the side, some very cute girl nearby giggling like a loon. It couldn’t be him. It couldn’t be shitty him because this was clearly not happening to him. No it was happening to some other Mugiwara, in some other world. The poor sods.

“Well, barring some medical procedures, yes. Sex is the only way.”

“Huh,” Luffy said, sounding thoughtful. Looking thoughtful. Sanji kind of wanted to die.

But it was just a shitty question, wasn’t it?

“It doesn’t matter,” Zoro said, one hand braced on his crossed leg as he waved the other. “None of us are going to get into that sort of thing so…”

“Oi,” Sanji said, a faint protest that barely left his lips.

“Well, yeah, maybe,” Luffy said.

Well, yeah, maybe. Ah haha Shit those other Mugiwara were getting _killed._

“What the hell do you mean well, yeah, maybe?!” Zoro snapped, grabbing Luffy by the vest and hauling him close. “We’ve got enough to worry about without you well, yeah, maybeing this kind of thing!” He gave Luffy a shake. “You don’t want to do it! I know you don’t!” And more shakes after that so Luffy had to hold onto his hat.

“I don’t wanna say I’m never gonna do it! Who knows?! It might be fun!”

“Oh my goood,” Usopp squeaked.

“It isn’t fun!” Zoro roared, going bugeyed. “It’s the most horrible thing you can imagine! You’d hate it!”

“Oi!” Sanji said, a little more shitty strongly now because how dare Zoro try to ruin that dre-- oh wait he was talking to Luffy. Never mind.

“You don’t know that,” Luffy said, frowning at him. “And I’m not saying I want to do it now! I’m just asking!” Zoro relaxed a little though his arms were still twitching and he didn’t lose his death grip on Luffy’s vest. Still holding his hat on, Luffy dropped his head back and looked at Chopper once more.

“What if you do it with a girl?”

Sanji clapped his hand to his nose just in time. Ahaha he was starting to feel a little lightheaded from it all~!

“I told you it’s going to suck!” Zoro said, shaking him again. “No matter what they are! So stop thinking about it damnit!”

“Cut it out!” Luffy snapped. “It’s not like I’m going to do it with you! Probably…”

Zoro somehow made a noise that was all consonants, a vein throbbing in his temple so hard Sanji thought it would shitty burst then said in a pitch that would make dogs sit up.

“What do you mean ‘probably’?!”

“No if you do it with a girl it’ll be okay!” Chopper said, holding up his hands and thankfully _thankfully_ stopping any and all shitty commentary from their captain. “I mean you should still be careful, but you definitely won’t get pregnant.”

“Oh, so it’s fine then,” Luffy said.

“No it’s not!” Zoro said in that same harsh squeak. Sanji dutifully kept his hand over his shitty nose and wondered if the sky had always tilted that way.

“And if it’s a guy,” Chopper said, undaunted. “Generally speaking, the only way you’ll get pregnant is if p--”

He stopped. He stopped because Sanji had stood and, while still covering his nose, put the finger of his opposite hand on Chopper’s lips.

“Shhhh,” he said, and it sounded like someone else speaking. Someone whose mind was not shaking to shitty fractures.

“But--” Chopper said.

“Shhhh,” Sanji said again, reaching up to pat the brim of his hat. “Right now, I’m going to the galley to cook something. You can tell him when I’m gone, okay?”

“O-okay,” Chopper said, sweating a little. Sanji turned to go, then noticed Usopp sitting in an almost fetal position.

“Would you like to come with me?” Sanji asked.

“No I think I’m just going to go lay on the couch and try to die,” Usopp said.

“Excellent choice,” Sanji said and made his staggering way back to the galley. Right before he shut the door he heard Luffy say:

“Is if what?”

“Is if pen--”

“ _Don’t repeat it!_ ” Zoro roared.

Sanji soundly shut the door and made his way over to the sink. Then he turned it on, waited until the water was freezing and gently washed his hands and washed his face. He was just going to very carefully pretend that the last few minutes of his life had never happened.

He could do that, right?

How hard could it be?

He dried his hands and as he put the towel back on the bar, was caught by the sight of massive cleavage. He carefully buttoned up, feeling a faint stab of guilt; and went to stare into the fridge without really seeing.

 

~*~*~ _Day Three_ ~*~*~

 

It had been a pretty great day. A really great day! Sanji would probably not dare ask for a shitty better one! There had been no shocks, no uncomfortable lectures and no…well whatever Luffy had been talking about the other day had completely disappeared into the ether with much relief had by shitty all!

Of course, he was still missing time whenever he showered or…. otherwise went into the bathroom. Chopper had told him it was some kind of self-preservation mode his body had but that it would probably would go away with time. Sanji could tell that was true because he hadn’t seen any blood at all toshittyday and maybe next time he could open his eyes!

Or at least stay conscious.

Or at least remember what had happened.

He had the faint impression of velvet….

Not shitty now, Sanji told himself firmly as he put up the dinner dishes, listening to them clink. He could tell he was starting to lose it a little. Just the barest shitty slip. But that wouldn’t do. They would land tomorrow, Nami had said. About mid-morning. So they should all be prepared. And she’d looked at Sanji when she said it and he knew she had doubts about his shitty capacity to handle it.

And she had every right to.

He would just have to prove her wrong. Or rather no, shit. Impress her, yeah, that was it. Impress her with how well he handled this shit. And of course protect this body at the same time. He had unbuttoned the top two buttons again, annoyed at himself for his weakness and then the feeling of shitty…exposure that came with it. That was just because he was a shitty guy. He’d studied enough plunging necklines and the inhabitants thereof to know that women were as proud of showing their breasts as he was happy to look at them.

Well not all of them certainly. There were the shy ones and the blushy ones and the v… the v… the inexperienced ones but Sanji knew better than to dwell too long on them. At least for shitty now. Maybe when he got a handle on things he could let his imagination go wild. Or, hell, even after they took care of that shitty Mardus guy.

But for now? Shitty focus.

He toed off the heels and centered himself by taking careful stock of the inventory. They were running a little low. A little faster than normal but not as insanely as it had been at the beginning of this shitty mess. He’d either become better at resisting Captain-chan’s shitty charms, or she’d become better at letting him off the hook. He wasn’t sure which he preferred honestly.

Either way he was feeling a lot more level headed as he sat down at the table, reviewing his list and writing up a new one for shit they absolutely needed, shit he could substitute for, shit they could probably do without and shit they didn’t need to have. As always, meat was at the very shitty top of absolutely need. They were running extra low on that, but maybe he could have Luffy and Usopp fish tomorrow. Or maybe after they kicked Mardus’ ass they could see whatever animals had made their home on that island. Hopefully big, fat ones that wouldn’t make them shitty confused for the rest of their lives.

Sanji sighed and flipped to his budget, moving quickly past the wiggly lines and wet spot until he found the budget page. The dwindling budget page. It wasn’t so bad since they did have a cargo hold full of gold, but it meant begging Nami-swan for more and she wouldn’t be happy he’d splurged so shitty unwisely.

Ah well, if he phrased it right, he’d get it. His personal budget though was another shitty matter, but he’d think about that later. Sanji clapped his notebook closed and stood, shoving it in his…

Another sigh, this one seeming to empty his lungs completely.

No wonder women liked to keep things in their bras. He’d thought it had been to look sexy. What was it whoever made skirts had against shitty pockets? He went to his sea trunk instead, nudging it open with his toe and was about to drop the notebook in when the brassy shine of the tube caught his eye. He knelt beside the trunk, picking it up from where it had settled against a pair of his shorts.

The lipstick Robin had given him. She’d said it was fine if he had it because it was too bright for her. Sanji uncapped it and looked at the bright red of it, twisting up from the base so that it rose, smelling waxy but looking glorious. Would this body look good with it, he wondered? Would he make a shitty statement? Show those assholes who was boss all while showing off this body to its fullest extent? And maybe… He grinned a little. Maybe making Nami get that crushed roses look again.

The door to the galley opened and Sanji hurriedly capped the lipstick, cursing inwardly as some red curled off it, and held it behind him as he snapped.

“We’re shitty closed!”

“Too shitty bad,” Zoro said, shaking the empty sake bottle at him imperiously. She still wasn’t wearing a shirt, that shitty glorious bastard. Though aside from that, he wondered if Zoro had seen. The thought made him quail a little. But then he raised himself up. No. What the hell did he care what Zoro had seen? He lifted his head, flared his nose, daring Zoro to do something. To say something. To _start_ something.

He was ready and willing to kick his ass.

Zoro tossed the old sake bottle. Got a new one and gave Sanji a flat look before leaving.

_Leaving~!_

That… that… who the hell did he think he was? Who the hell did he think Sanji was? That he could just go like that without even rising to the shitty-- No screw that!

Sanji marched over to where the heels lay in the corner and shoved his feet into them, wobbling only the barest of seconds. Then after only a second’s hesitation, he uncapped the lipstick and put it on. He would show that asshole just what this flashy body could do. He took a moment to jam a cigarette between his teeth and then took a single unlit match with him as he stalked out into the evening.

The air was cool. The sky was just starting to freckle with stars and the moon grinned down at him. A perfect evening for fighting. He went to where Zoro was standing on deck, booze in one hand as he watched the skyline. _Stop looking so serene, you bastard,_ Sanji wanted to say. Instead he braced his legs wide, flicking the match to life with his thumbnail and looking at Zoro over the sudden flame of fire as he lit his cigarette.

“You got a problem with me, asshole?” he said. Zoro looked back at him and his face twitched into some expression Sanji couldn’t read until it went irritatingly bland again and he took a long swallow of sake.

“No. Do _you_ have a problem with you?”

“Why the hell would I have a problem with a body like this?” Sanji gestured. Even a lunkhead like Zoro could see how robust it was. How it curved. How it lengthened. How heavy those breasts sat, they may not be as much of a prize as Zoro’s shitty were but they weren’t to be laughed at either!

“You tell me,” Zoro said.

That was it. Sanji was _sick_ of him not starting shit. He smirked and pulled his cig from his lips, holding it between his index finger and thumb in a way that drove the ladies wild as he smirked at him.

“How about I show you?”

Strangely enough, his body didn’t move too much differently. In fact he almost felt shitty stronger. Zoro blocked it and there was the clash of shoe against blade, vibrating up Sanji’s spine and he grinned, pressing Zoro’s sword down with his heel as Zoro scowled at him.

Then Zoro’s gaze slid down and his face went beet red.

“No,” Zoro said, backing off -- _backing off!_ And _turning away!_ As if he could just dismiss Sanji so shitty easily!

“You better have a damn good reason for telling me no, shitty marimo!”

“I can’t--”

He _c o u l d n ‘ t?_

“Not good enough!” Sanji attacked again, harder this time, trusting Zoro to meet his attack even though Zoro nearly missed the first one, gargling a little in the back of his throat.

“Damnit! You stupid--! I can’t!”

“Well why. The hell. NOT!” Every word was punctuated with a kick and the last one came a frog’s hair from a heel driven into Zoro’s throat before Zoro blocked it with that shitty white sword of his.

“ _Not until you put on some damn pants!_ ” Zoro roared.

Sanji narrowed his eyes. Put on some pants--?! What the hell kind of bullshit was--

But as Sanji stood there a cool breeze swirled by, tickling up his leg, his thigh, and-- Oh, _shit_. Sanji dropped his leg and tugged his skirt down, feeling like his own face would catch fire. Fuck. _Fuck!_ No wonder Robin had told him to--! But he-- he’d seen women fight before! In skirts! Maybe not kicking but--! How--how did they--!

“Damn, stupid love cook,” Zoro said, lowering his sword, the red and green making him look like some humiliated tomato. “Think things through a little better will you? We’ve already got a blistering idiot on the crew.”

Think things through? Was Zoro _chiding_ him?

Was he actually comparing him to _Luffy?!_

No! Sanji couldn’t let him get away with that!

He wasn’t going to put on any damn pants either! Plenty of strong women had fought in a skirt he was sure and he owed this body the same chance!

It was just…how to shitty do it.

Maybe… Maybe if he just… Sanji clenched the cigarette between his teeth as he pressed a hand against the front of the skirt. Yeah. That was it. Maybe if he just sort of…held it in like that…

“What the hell are you doing?” Zoro said, sounding tired.

“Shut up you asshole and wait right there, I’ll kick your ass in a minute.”

And if he held it in like that… well he still couldn’t lift his leg very high but he could kind of… hold one leg waist high with his knee bent-- and it slid up a little in back but he wasn’t about to let Zoro get behind him anyway. He could figure out the shitty details of how that could work later.

But for right now… Yeah… Yeah he had this…

“Okay, I’m ready,” Sanji said, realizing that in order for this to work consistently he’d have to stay balanced on one foot… but that should be fine for now. “Come on, shithead!”

Zoro stared at him.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Do I look like I’m kidding? Fight me! Come on!” And he hopped after Zoro, trying to kick him in the hip even as the swordsman backed up, not even bothering to try and deflect his blows.

“I’m not going to fight you like that! You look like an idiot!” Zoro snapped, his face going red again.

“I’ll show you idiot! Get over here! Take me on!”

“No!”

“Fight me!”

“Cut it out, damnit!”

“Stop backing up and let’s do this! Man to man!”

“You’re not a man!”

Something inside him snapped, lashed completely free and scored the inside of his ribs.

Rage flashed through him, roaring through his veins, turning his vision to white. He heard a scream. And it was almost like he’d passed out again because the next thing he knew his fist was hovering centimeters from Zoro’s face, arm trembling, fingers feeling they were going to break from the force of his own fist. He wanted to punch him to within an inch of his life. To just-- To just make him-- Make him take that shitty back--!

Zoro stared at him, wide eyed, then solemn, waiting. Just waiting! Damn him! But that was fine, just shitty fine. Sanji somehow managed to unclench his jaw and took a deep shaking breath… feeling something cold and acidic taking its place rising up his gut and feeling like it was strangling him.

“Listen to me, Roronoa,” Sanji said, his voice hard and cold as steel. He uncurled his fist and held up a single finger, pointing at the asshole’s face. “I am going to put on some pants; and when I come back I’m going to lay you in the ground.”

Zoro’s jaw clenched, but then he nodded and slid his sword home, waiting.

Sanji whipped around and stalked back toward the galley. The heel snapped under him and he kicked it off without even breaking his stride and then kicked off the other one too until he got to the galley. Chopper was in there because of course he was, big and looming and wide-eyed as Sanji grabbed some pants from his sea chest.

“Sanji, I wanted to--”

“Not now,” Sanji said shortly as he headed toward the door.

“But it’s really--” Chopper reached for him and Sanji dodged and whirled on him.

“I said not now, damnit! And shrink already would you?! Why the hell do you have to be looming over me all the shitty time?!”

Chopper flinched back, stung. Sanji felt a fresh bolt of guilt but the thought of manly man Roronoa Zoro waiting out there for them to settle this filled him with a fresh wash of rage. He stormed down the stairs and into the bathroom, slamming the door hard enough to shake the walls.

A flicker of movement caught his eye and he turned--

\--and found himself staring in the mirror.

His own face, with lipstick on.

“ _Shit!”_

He startled back, slamming into the wall. The image wouldn’t change. His own face. Lipstick. With breasts and hips and

“Shiiit! No! No! No! No!”

He covered his face with both hands, grabbing at his hair, trying to make the mental image go away. But all he could see was himself. A woman. Every inch. Everything he’d worked for gone. Everything he was. Everything he ever wanted to be! The nightmare about the Baratie surfaced again except this time it was reality. Everyone laughing. Mocking him. Be a man _now,_ Sanji.

‘You’re not a man,’ Zoro said, mocking. Zeff looking away from him. Breasts spilling out. Uncovered. Round where he should be flat. That hollow space where his dick should be!

“Fuck! This isn’t me! It isn’t me, damnit! It isn’t me! _It isn’t me!_ ”

Someone started pounding at the door and he wanted to scream at them to stop. To go the hell away. To not fucking look at him like this.

“Sanji?!” Chopper’s voice was full of tears. “Sanji I’m small now! It’s okay! I’m sorry! Can I come in?!”

No. No he didn’t want--! He clawed his hands through his hair, unable even to unclench his jaw. Unable to breathe. Not really sure if he wanted to--Running feet outside the door.

“Sanji!” Chopper wailed.

“It’s okay, I know what to do!” Usopp’s voice. Lying asshole. There was nothing that could be done!

“You do?” Chopper said.

“Yeah. Go get some bandages! A lot of them!”

“Okay!” The scattering of running hooves.

“What’s going on?” Luffy called.

“Forget it I’ll tell you later! Just find something else to do for now!” Usopp said.

_You too,_ Sanji thought. _Go away and find something else._ He couldn’t--

How could he face anyone being this way?!

How could he… how could he exist when… when this wasn’t--!!

“Sanji?” Usopp. “Everyone’s gone. I’m coming in.”

“Stay the hell out!” his voice was raw, high, feminine. Damnit, _no!_ He knocked his forehead against his upturned knees, willing it to go away, willing himself to wake up from this disaster. This nightmare.

“No,” Usopp said. The door opened and shut again and Sanji squeezed his eyes shut, relaxing the smallest amount when the lights went off. There was silence. The shifting of clothes as Usopp sat. Not close thank fuck, but with his toes just barely touching Sanji’s as if he wanted Sanji to realize he was there.

More hooves outside the doorway and Sanji tensed again.

“I bought the bandages!” Chopper called.

“Okay! Good job!” Usopp said. “Leave them there and go keep Luffy busy!”

“B-but--!”

“It’s okay!” Usopp said. “I’ve got this”

There was a reluctant silence, then Chopper left again after murmuring a

“Sorry, Sanji.” That damn near broke his heart. A harsh noise escaped him. But if Usopp thought he was crying, he said nothing. And Sanji did. Damn it all to shitty hell he did. Hot tears escaping and running down his face as he tried not to rock, hating the way his body felt against himself.

How it shouldn’t feel.

How none of this should feel.

Usopp’s toe bumped against his and Sanji sucked in another shaking breath, thick with phlegm which he wanted to spit out, though he made a weak strangled sound as he tasted some lipstick with it. What the fuck had he been thinking with that?

“It’s not me…” he said, wishing he didn’t sound so damn broken.

“I know.”

“None of it is shitty me. I thought… It was fine as long as it wasn’t. As long as… it was something else. But…” He shook his head, sniffing harshly, resting his forehead against the heels of his hands. “Who ever thought that was shitty going to work, right?”

“Well for what it’s worth you rocked it.”

A weak laugh bubbled out of him and he nudged Usopp’s foot. Damnit he didn’t want to laugh! Especially when he felt so fucking miserable! He wished he had something more to say. He wished Usopp did. He wished someone had some fucking magical words to make it all better but it couldn’t be.

Not…not when he was this.

Not then. Never then…

The silence stretched on. The tears left him and now he was just sitting there in the dark, staring at nothing, wanting to see nothing, not even wanting to shitty exist…

After a while he let out a shaky sigh.

“Hey…” Usopp said in the gloom. “Close your eyes…”

“What?”

“Just trust me… Close them, okay?”

Why the hell not? Sanji obeyed, closing his eyes.

“They closed?”

“Yes.”

“Promise?

“Shitty swear.”

“Okay, I’m turning on the lights.”

Sanji was glad for the warning and squeezed his eyes shut tighter as the light flicked on. Fuck he didn’t even want to know what he looked like, sitting on the goddamn floor in a bra and a skirt and fucking underwear showing everywhere. Usopp stood and there was the sound of running water before a cool wet rag was pressed into Sanji’s hand.

“For your face. I’m going to go out for a second but… turn your back to the door and don’t open your eyes.”

Sanji almost did at that statement.

“Usopp what the hell are you--”

“ _Trust_ me. Please. I’ll be right back.”

Sanji did as he was told, feeling like an idiot but doing it anyway. He wiped his face with the damp cloth. His eyes. His nose. Then remembered and flipped the rag around and scoured off the shitty lipstick. And then he waited.

…And waited.

He was just about to open his eyes and be damned when there was a knock on the door.

“Hey, it’s me,” Usopp said. “I’m coming in. Are your eyes still closed?”

“Yeah they are.” And then, in an effort to not be so pathetic. “You’re not bringing in any shitty surprise guests are you?”

“Yeah, Enel popped in to say hi,” Usopp said and Sanji snorted a laugh. “But nah it’s just me.” The door closed with a cool swirl of displaced air. “I got your cigarettes if you want one.”

“Shitty life saver you are.” He felt it being placed in his hands and put it between his lips and then wondered about a match before Usopp said:

“Care for a little fire, sir?” And there was the pop of carbon.

“Thought you’d never ask.” He tilted his head and felt the heat faintly on his face before he pulled in that first faint taste of soothing tobacco. And then because he was feeling a bit more relaxed said:

“Can I open my eyes now?”

“No, I’ll tell you when.” A pause and then. “This is going to be a little weird, but remember I’m here to help you out, okay?”

“Okay?” Sanji said, already a little freaking weirded out already. A shadow fell over his face and he about jumped when he felt fingers tugging at the buttons on his shirt.

“Usopp what the fucking _hell?”_

“ _Trust._ Me,” Usopp said. “If I piss you off you can ki-- You can curtail my din-- desserts or something… For a little while. But I promise I’m doing this for your sake.”

He forced himself to relax again.

It was just like Chopper stripping him down to get at a wound, Sanji told himself. Just like that. Of course Chopper didn’t usually undo his shitty bra.

“Fuck!” Sanji snapped as he felt them fall free and heavy on his chest, brushing slightly against Usopp’s clothes. “I hate them! And I fucking hate hating them!”

“I know,” Usopp said. “It’s a pain in the butt isn’t it? Uh… here. Hold this.” Sanji held his hand up and Usopp pressed a strip of cloth into it. “Now um… put your hand here.” And his hand rested warm on Sanji’s, pressing it just under his collarbone.

“Good?” Sanji said.

“Yeah great.”

He got the feel of what Usopp was going to do when he felt the cloth wrap around his front, then lifted his arm so Usopp could get under it and then the other one, though Usopp paused as he came to the front again.

“Um…”

“I’ll get it and pass it back.”

“Great! Good!”

They worked like that, back and forth and back and forth, Usopp gradually tightening the bandages and Sanji gradually feeling better.

“Now it’s not going to be perfect,” Usopp said. “You’re still going to know they’re there, but sometimes the look of the thing is enough to make you feel better.

“Right,” Sanji said. It sounded like a shitty good idea to him!

Finally the bindings were pinned and Usopp handed him something else.

“Shirt!” he said. “Button down,” he added helpfully. “But I won’t tell you where I got it.”

“Why not?” Sanji asked, tugging it on and finding the fit a little big but not too bad. He flicked it into place and then started to work the buttons. A lot of five am mornings with barely enough light to even shitty spit by had made him an expert at this.

“Because some lie you’re going to believe, that’s why,” Usopp said. Then: “Tie.”

He took that, too. It felt good. It felt right where it belonged. He thought it would have been bigger on him but…

“Where--?”

“Lying,” Usopp said.

“Alright,” Sanji said with a rough chuckle.

Once the tie was on he felt much better. But then as he shifted, realized with a sick feeling he still had that shitty skirt on. And…and other things weren’t where they should be. He swallowed and tried to pretend he didn’t give a damn.

“Now um… I brought some pants and boxers and a belt… but I guess you can put those on yourself.”

“I guess so,” Sanji said, trying to sound amused but it came out a little forced. “Can I open my eyes now?”

“No. But I can leave if you want.”

Yeah… Usopp could. But… for some weird reason, Sanji didn’t want to be alone in this.

“Nah just close your eyes.”

“Gotcha,” Usopp said. Sanji dropped his fingers to the belt and started to undo it.

“Eyes closed?” he said, just checking.

“Well one of them anyway. Gotta keep the other one open just for posterity.”

“How would you like to eat mushrooms the rest of your shitty life?”

“Both eyes closed, _sir_!” Usopp said. “And back to you!”

Sanji grinned a little and undid the belt, draping it over the tub for now. Then he pulled off the skirt and… and the…the white… white cotton bliss of love… which… really should belong on someone else. He let both of them drop to the floor and tried not to think of who would pick it up later.

He patted around for the boxers and found them easily enough, but when he picked them up his hand closed on some kind of bundle in the front… like a sock or some shit. He shook them out and then felt it still there and then reached from the inside and found it had been sewn in. H was so surprised he nearly opened his eyes.

“What the--”

“What the what?” Usopp said.

“Boxers,” Sanji said.

“Oh…” Usopp coughed, sounding embarrassed. “We--well like I said! The look of the thing can help out sometimes! Also it kinda…sometimes when you sit and stuff it’s kinda…familiar, you know.”

Wh-- Ohh.

“Great idea,” he said, though he was kind of dubious about it himself. He pulled the boxers on and it did feel a little weird initially… but not entirely bad… And then his pants which were definitely his because the fabric was so familiar, but had been taken in a little, even if it still was a bit long.

Ah, sweet Nami-san…

He looped the belt through and buckled it and said:

“Done. Now can I?”

“Ah! Uh. No one second. Hold on.”

“Usopp…”

“Just hold on!” He heard Usopp scurry around the room. Heard the door open and shut. Then a swift knock and a muttered: “Me again.” Before Usopp came back in, something scraping along the floor before he said. “Okay okay just one more thinnng.”

Sanji felt cool fingers grab his chin and something cooler draw lines on it and he did his best not to jerk, wondering what the hell Usopp was doing but deciding to just trust him and kick his ass later if he needed to.

“Done,” Usopp said. And he grabbed Sanji’s shoulders and turned him.

“Now. Open your eyes.”

Sanji opened his eyes reluctantly --

And found himself staring in a mirror.

The same one he’d used a few days ago.

He was shorter and curvier than he was used to being. His face smaller… but -- and he startled-- his goatee back, holy shit! He reached up and Usopp dragged his wrist down and he realized that it was fake. Oh…well… shit it looked good. As for the rest of it, there was a definite swell where a swell shouldn’t be-- and he was barefoot where he normally wouldn’t be but…

He felt…like…

Himself…

“This is fucking great,” he said breathlessly.

“Of course it’s fucking great! Look who you’re talking to!” Usopp said, hands on his hips and beaming. Sanji looked down at him. And suddenly could have kicked himself. Because Usopp was petite!Sopp. Curvy!Sopp. Woman for a long shitty time before him and Sanji probably hadn’t been shitty helping an iota!sopp.

And yet he’d come in and helped Sanji out without even bringing it up. He just done it. Because they were nakama. And Usopp was a great guy. And Sanji felt his eyes swimming so he shitty looked away. He was going to cook him something great. Or some shitty thing.

“Thank you,” he said, roughly. And… and…”I’ve been a shitheel… I’m sorry that I…”

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” Usopp said. “You’re you and I’m me and somehow between all of us flailing around everywhere we still manage to get stuff done.”

“I do not shitty flail--”

“Nami-swan,” Usopp said flatly.

“That doesn’t count! It’s a man’s pride to--”

“Summer-chwan.”

“You fight shitty dirty.”

“Only way to go,” Usopp said, giving him a thumbs up. “But ah… listen Sanji… I’m fine really. But there’s a reindeer in hysterics you probably should take care of.”

“Oh yeah, shit,” Sanji said. He grabbed the mirror to start to move it but Usopp shooed him away with a flap of his hands. As Sanji left though he couldn’t help but notice the other clothes were gone and his cheeks flushed.

Usopp was just… just a really shitty good guy.

Outside the sky was dark and the moon was high. Zoro was leaning against the railing, cleaning his sword. He looked up at Sanji, nodded, and then went back to work. Luffy was sitting on the railing beside him, legs dangling over the side and staring out to sea.

Now where the hell was…

Zoro flicked a finger at him to get his attention then jerked his chin up at the crow’s nest. Sanji nodded and climbed up. And when he got there his heart nearly broke again.

There was Chopper, all huddled up in a corner, pulling his hat down and choking back sobs.

“Hey,” he said, sitting beside him. Chopper should be mad. Chopper should kick his ass. But what Chopper did was look up, blink away tears and tackle him full on the side.

“Sanjiii! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to stay big! I just thought it would help!”

“Shh it’s alright, it’s okay. I was a big shitty jerk to you.” He patted the top of Chopper’s hat and then loosely held him as the reindeer got tears and snot on his shirt. Ah well _c’est la vie_. He thought a moment though about why Chopper had been in heavy point. It was kind of shitty weird for him all things considered. But he’d been trying to help huh?

“Trying to help us feel safer?” Sanji asked and Chopper nodded.

“Well, Usopp. Cuz he was kind of nervous about you being…changed too so… and he says it sometimes helps how things look!”

“Yeah I know,” Sanji said with a chuckle. “So you thought if you were big and tough all the time, Usopp would look at you and feel safer?”

Chopper sat back and nodded, wiping tears from his eyes.

“But I didn’t want to hurt you…”

“Shit, you didn’t. If anything _I_ hurt shitty me, alright?” He leaned forward, arms on his knees and considered Chopper a moment. “But listen, you can get shitty big if you want, but this is who you are, right?” He gently poked Chopper’s belly. “This is what you like most, right?”

“Uh huh,” Chopper said, rubbing the spot, though it hadn’t looked like it had hurt him. “I know it’s kind of weird but… this one makes me feel the most like who I’m s’pposed to be.”

“So keep it,” Sanji said with a smile. “And we’ll show Usopp just how shitty strong we are just as we are. Okay?”

“Okay!” Chopper said, answering his smile with a wavery one of his own.

“Now…” Sanji sat back. “What were you trying to tell me before I was an ass to you?”

“Huh? Oh um… well…” Chopper tapped his hooves together. “Robin said she might have found something. _Might._ Maybe. But she doesn’t know what it is yet or even if it’ll help. But… I wanted to give you some hope because…because I was worried about you…”

Ahh fuck. His heart squeezed in his chest. But even greater still at Chopper’s concern for him. He thanked whatever gods had let his shitty ass come to join this wonderful bone headed hopeful glorious shitty crew.

“But it that doesn’t work!” Chopper said, standing and twitching his hooves in the way that meant he was clenching his fists. “As a doctor I am going to find a way to bring everyone back to normal! I don’t know how, but I’m going to do it! Sanji!”

“I shitty believe you,” Sanji said with a grin.

“You do?” Chopper beamed at him and his smile grew even wider as Sanji ruffled his hat.

“Without a doubt.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to all the wonderful people who've helped me with this monstrosity of a fic. Though most of it goes to the evil evil woman who did nothing but enable me to write this. One of these days...


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